Going Sane in a Crazy World

My journey through life and the lessons I learn to help me grow spiritually.

Sane Friends

Lets Talk About Sex

Every Monday I get together with the guys and we talk about relationships and other things bothering us. Yes we guys talk about this stuff. However it does take some work to get them to open up and it has become another thing I run. I don't mind since it's healthy for me.
After finishing Rachel Sara's book last night I got to thinking about my own dating life after divorce. While it will take 3 years and about 40 dates before I end up having sex with another woman besides my ex. I'm reminded by many comments from you all that I move fast in the sexual arena which reminds me of a story from one of the guys on Monday night.

His first major love in his life he worked very hard to make it happen. He worked long hours so that financially they would be set. She would cheat on him and break his heart. The major thing that came from this relationship was that he was never faithful to another woman again. He always struck first so that he wouldn't be hurt again. A pattern had been put in place.

Aroma girl was my first major relationship after my ex. At the time I thought she was the opposite of my ex, but looking back they had some similar qualities even though she was a step up. Anyway in that time I really wanted to wait for sex to build the relationship since we both had talked about how the relationship does change once sex has happened and agreed to wait. Next date she's dragging me into her bedroom. I stopped us and talked about us having agreed to wait. She dumped me the next day.

Even though it would be another 2 years before I meet L and have sex. She's very sexual and I toss out any pretense of waiting. I think a pattern has emerged in me.

The Planner stops me from kissing her on the first date with a very strong boundary. Looking back it broke my pattern which was good. Except that it was re-established when she came to my place on our third date under the pretense to play a game. She never brought it and made herself comfortable on my bed very quickly.

Tech girl and I would have had sex on our second date if I had protection. We were naked in her bed doing everything else.

So now I sit here wondering how to break this pattern. I've gotten much better knowing what I want in a woman. I have boundaries of things I will accept and not. However when it comes to sex I don't know. I know the benefits of waiting, but I allow my emotions to run this part of my life. Not the greatest choice since it's controlled by my hormones.

What's your general rule?

5 people had cathartic therapy:

I don't have a general rule, but I have to get to know a person before I want to give in to sex. Now I say give in, because I may be sexually attracted to someone immediately & lustful, but I don't give in to that, because of my complicated moral, personal, blah blah blah reasons. I've found it works out better all round if I wait, for me anyway.

The women that are having sex immediately seem to have 100 ex (sexual)bfs. Obviously something isn't working.~Mary


Here's how I see it: It's been such a long time since you've had sex and you're a guy. Of course you're not going to object if a woman offers it first. I don't see it so much as a pattern. I just see it as when it's been a while since you've had sex, you'll be more likely to have sex with a woman sooner.

I think what you're writing here is totally normal, and I happen to feel the same way about this.

Yes, waiting for sex can have benefits, if you're serious about the person. And if you really like the person and want a longterm relationship with that person, sex too soon is the fastest way to ruin that.

If you're not serious about the person, and they are offering sex, I don't see any problems there. If you want to have sex more, just casually date. I don't see anything wrong with that, especially if you have an itch to scratch. Besides, once you get that out of your system you probably won't feel as pressured to go out and date and find a girlfriend so you can have sex.

If you are serious about finding that special someone and true love, well that takes time, risk, and patience. People who usually end up happily in love usually have put themselves out there and have waited for that special person. I have never been in love and don't even know what that feels like. I hope you have, and if you have, think back to what that felt like and try to get that feeling back.

Dating is really hard nowadays.

My rule is that if I really see the man as potential I would wait because I really would want to get to know him.

Just my .02 from a fellow Sagitarrius. (I can never spell it right)


I agree with Senorita. "My rule is that if I really see the man as potential I would wait because I really would want to get to know him. "
Lately, I have been with men whom I know will not be good LTR prospects. And I have gotten sexual too soon, precisely because I knew there was nothing to "ruin", and we scratched that itch.

So it boils down to what you want out of the relationship. It's all a gamble anyway because what if you wait until you really get to know someone, and things don't work out? You have lost much time and sex too.
Dating is real hard. And complicated.
Good Luck.


I don't really have a rule either, it goes more by feeling...maybe I need to make some rules :(

insanely hot pic for this entry, BTW...yow !


Dating does not equate with sex. Yes, that can be a rule and guide -- dating can lead to sex, sure, but it's not the same thing. I'll also go as long as I need to or never get there at all even within a monogamous relationship. Even if it feels hot and very exciting, it doesn't mean go do it. It doesn't always mean NOT, either, but definitely not a 3rd-date is "sex" date type of woman, that's b.s. to me. Do what works for both people. Besides, it's much better if there's a connection beyond the physical:) Now, I'd known E 6 years, very well, before we had our first official date. E said we can say 6 years, or 1st date. LOL. I'd waited 6 years (for him). That's way TOO long:)

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