Going Sane in a Crazy World

My journey through life and the lessons I learn to help me grow spiritually.

Sane Friends

To Make War

I had made a decision to have them send my Mom back home from the hospital today. Things like this push me far to the right (or left if you like). My expectation is that I'm going to have a fight on my hands. It's a belief that has come from personal experience growing up. However in those days I either was a child and had little power to change things or as an adult waited to long to make a change. Either way, I learned I had to go overboard to get what I wanted done. So things like this blow my serenity right out of the water. I did a bunch of praying and meditating before heading out to the hospital and even called a few people. When I got there I found they had moved her and had to play Sherlock Holmes to find her. However I was pleased to find the doctor in the room when I got there. I asked what the plan was for my Mom and she said she could go home tomorrow since they were no longer doing IV on her. I agreed that anything being done here was redundant to what could be done at her facility. I was happy there was no battle and she was cute so all was right with the world. My Mom had her voice today which I was surprised. She was a broken record repeating the same "Frank and Karen love you" which I tell her if I talk to my brother and SIL.

Afterwards I relaxed at Starbucks to continue to get my head on straight. It's been a week of letting the house go. Like I stated last week I need a "fuck up" area and this has switched to the house. So I'm taking back the place today. I vacuumed and took care of the plants. Did my usual straigthening up. I want that happy feeling I have when all is right here. I just have to make sure I don't backslide at work.

I'm starting to get back into the dating mindset, but paying all this money for my Mom this month is making it a tough month. Every 3 months I have extra bills which put more pressure on me. So I know I'm going to be stressed until the month ends. So I know it's never a good time when my focus is elsewhere.

Mik's Getting Angry

I'm getting pissed at everyone. I'm resenting the fact that I'm paying a lot of money to keep my Mom's room available at her place. Also the hospital is on my list now. My Mom's stable and everything they are doing can be done can be done at her facility. I feel this is being milked. So tomorrow I need to talk to the hospital and get my Mom sent back home. I feel a battle coming on, but legally I know I have the right to do so. However I know the hospital's wish is to prolong my Mom's life and mine is just to be what it is. My brother just confirmed this when talking to one of his friends that's gone through this situation. We both agreed to get her out of there.

It was a decent morning at work today since I wasn't planning to go in. However enough patients rescheduled for today to make it worth it. Again all the money I made just went out the window with my Mom.

I was hoping to relax with the singles today with our bowling game. However the Girl Scouts and a birthday party took over the place. Not a single lane was available. So I called everyone about the change of plans.

Sinking Friday

What stated as an awesome day at work has now struck and iceberg and slowly sinking beneath the waves. Most everyone has called and rescheduled which I'm happy about. I wasn't planning on coming in tomorrow, but since almost half my patients are now coming in tomorrow I made the concession. I hate when things change so fast.

No word from my Mom's doctors, but I'll stop by the hospital later to see if they are releasing her today or not. My hope is they are. It was nice that Asp texted me yesterday to see what was going on.

A night out at the Funny Bone last night with the singles was much needed. They comedians were good and the crowd even better. Nikki Glazer was joking about taking phone pictures of her privates to send to her boyfriend when one of the women in the front told her how to do it better. This same woman announced later that her fiancee wasn't working out, he was probably gay, and hadn't bought her a birthday present the last 2 years. It was hilarious.

Thank You Sir

So I'm on my way to see my Mom in the hospital. I get a phone call from her facility telling me how sorry to hear that she's in the hospital. Well that's very nice until they tell me this is how much I'm going to owe to keep her bed open. Holy shit, hit me when I'm down. At least give me a reach around before you fuck me in the ass. Sorry I'm a bit angry at the moment. I guess I feel like a sucker for sending her to the hospital. I guess its old feeling of trying to do the right thing and getting crapped on. I know that I'm only in control of my actions and not the responses, but sometimes it's hard to accept that.

Anyway I talked to my brother and we'll split the bill which is a blessing even though I don't have the extra on my end. Like all things it'll just be another bill to pay off. My hope is that she'll go home tomorrow since they think she has pneumonia, but the x-rays weren't definitive. If nothing is on x-ray it isn't that bad. So hopefully she respond to the antibiotics quickly.

To relieve my stress I stopped by Starbucks to just relax for an hour. I'm actually glad I have tickets to the Funny Bone tonight since I could use the laugh.

Treadmill Thursday

I feel like I'm on a very fast treadmill today. After waking up and turning on my cell phone. Yes I keep it off while I sleep since I like to sleep. I know I'll freaking kill you if you wake me up for something stupid. Since I don't want to go to jail I keep it off. Anyhow after a moment I get the freaky music from Kill Bill going. It's the one I use for my Mom's place since I know it's never good news and there is no reason to sugar coat it. They inform me that my Mom started having problems breathing during breakfast and her BP was over 200. Her doctor's recommendation was to send her to the ER. As usual they needed my consent since she's on comfort care which means they are not to prolong her life in any means besides giving her comfort. I was informed a little while ago she has pneumonia.

Of all mornings for this to happen was a busy morning. I don't struggle as much anymore on how much I'll detract from my life to handle this stuff with my Mom. This is why everyone paid. To take care of her and keep me informed. The other half is that with prolonged problems you pass over that line when death is a better thing and I've been there for a long time. I've done everything I can so that if she goes I'm okay. However it still is a workout not to toss my whole life out the window to go ASAP to the hospital. I'll head out in another hour once I finish here, but I know I need to take care of myself first.

One of the things I had this morning was my session with business coach which always ends up with a list of things for me to do. Again it's all me, but I can feel the pressure to get the stuff done. The problem I don't have the time now with my Mom's problem. The result is I feel stressed and on a fast roller coaster. I know what to do since I deal with this with my patients on a daily basis, but it's always a different thing to initiate it myself.

Jello Molds

I hate swimming. No not that kind. Swimming in my clothes or shoes. I do like snug stuff. I'm a briefs guy instead of a boxer for that reason. Got to have my boys supported. The last thing is I need laces on my shoes. I've tried many times when I'm buying shoes to check some loafers out, but yuck. My foot is slipping and sliding inside.

The reason for all of this is I went to see Up in the Air last night. I thought it was a great movie. Everyone liked it in the singles group, but the guys seem to enjoy it more than the women. I know why, but I won't spoil it for you. Anyway one of Clooney's big things is lace less shoes so he can quickly get through airport security. Stay with me here as I switch to how my weird mind works. Twice a week I need to go out to get the paper off the driveway and sometimes out of my car. For these quick runs it is a pain to have to lace up my shoes. I could get some slippers to make the run, but I think I'd rather complain about it.

I did realize last night I need one are to kind of fuck around in. Since I've been on myself to get everything that needs to be done at work which is going well. I find myself needing to have another part of my life kind of dangle. It's like pushing on jello. Push in one spot and it comes up in another. However I use to always have a small pile of stuff in my place. I just always had to have it to have the other 90-95% done good. Nowadays that pile is gone. So I'm trying to slide that ability over to this.

I had a pleasant surprise last night when I looked at my email. A long lost friend had contacted me. We hadn't talked since 2005. He found an old email saved with my address still on it. It was good to catch up and hopefully the contact will stay.

Quiet Tuesday

When I got home last night I was amazed to finding both driveways glowing. Well not actually glowing, but boy did they stand out in the dark. I knew we were getting the house pressure washed yesterday, but I didn't expect the driveways to be done too. I didn't even park on it last night since it was so nice to look at.

While yesterday was a great day in the office, today is less than spectacular. So I've been working on a few presentations that I want to do to talk to a some local businesses. I finally took down all the stuff from the health fair that never happened. Plus packed up everything I no longer needed here in the office so I can get the massage room going again.

The local recreation center I go to stopped by today to offer me the last chiropractors spot on their magazine rack. If they didn't want all the money up front I might consider. In my profession people don't usually look for me until they need help. I know a few of the people down there and have gotten a few patients that way. While people putting my face with what I do might be nice I'm not quite sure it balances out the price tag.

Since my evenings are busy this week L and I are beach walking tonight before I meet the singles for $1 movie Tuesday. We're seeing Up in the Air tonight.

Monday's Work Out

I'd like to report that I'm happy and it's a busy day in the office. Two things that I do like. If it was like this everyday that could be a good thing.

I had a petty feeling moment Saturday which has lasted till now since I really haven't mentioned it yet to anyone. So here's your news flash. Asp went shooting on Saturday. When we were dating I was trying to get this scheduled for us since she had stated the desire to do so. However with us falling apart it never happened. I guess it's some part of grief, but it did make me feel wonkers for a while.

One thing I don't like about the gym is that women don't wear their wedding rings while they work out. I'm not even going to go into the women that wear rings on their ring finger just for the hell of it. Anyway I usually shoot to the gym during the day when I have an opening at work. Most of the women I run into are in the senior set or stay at home mom's/wives. I say this because their is a woman I run into every so often. She's an older version of the Planner in looks, so I'm very attracted to her. Now I usually just run in and out of the gym like a duck mating since the women I meet are in the above category. This woman seems different though. So I might have to start slowing down my routine to see if I can chat her up.

I was thinking of using a reminder phone call service for the practice. However I'm not quite sure how cost effective it's going to be. Since my volume is still low I might just call the newer and problem patients to remind them. My established patients have this down pat.

I Made This

I get a proud feeling when I open my pantry closet. I know I'm strange, but it's mine and makes me happy. No this is not a picture of mine. Like I was telling L yesterday, this is the first time I really lived on my own. College was the only other time which truly isn't living on your own when its dorm life. I don't mind cleaning the place up when it's my mess. I use to get this feeling when the landlord use to go on his trips and I'd be here for a few weeks by myself. However since he's not coming back this time and he's presence in the house is long gone, I've come to feel like this is my domain. Once I get all my debt out of the way I would like to move into my own place whether it be an official apartment or something that is truly my own. Looking at it with hindsight I see this progression of growing with places.

Tonight's Funny Bone event was fun. Even better since I wasn't hosting. However everyone showed up late, even the guest host. Since we had to be there early to pick up the free tickets it worked out. We were right next to the stage and I and one other member got picked on. I made out better than she did. All he wanted to know is if I ever get stopped by airport security. He asked her if she liked jizz on her face. Yeah the last comedian was a bit over the top.

Sunday Order

It was nice to sleep in this morning which is something I've tried to do a few times this week to no success. Last night I finished cleaning the place with making the other beds and vacuuming the floors to make it up to my standards. God I have standards now. Today I finally unloaded a bunch of stuff to the thrift store that had been taking up a corner of my room. Order seems to have been restored.

Needing a break from the house I headed over to my usual Starbucks to work on a presentation I'm trying to get off the ground. I saw the French girl I like who's there every Sunday. She didn't give me the time of day. The weird thing was that I kept finding this teenage girls eyes on me from across the room.

Tonight it's off to the Funny Bone with the singles for some laughs. It's been a while since we had anything there and it'll be nice to go again.

In my decision to increase my standards I'm enforcing my "no show" policy as of 3/1. While I'll probably never get a dime of the money I will be able to cut the patients that are problems. I was talking to my brother about this and he said he had no problem with the rule since he wasn't a no show person. The people who will have the problem will be a problem. It's like the deadbeats that scream and curse at the $5 annual fee for my singles group. If you can't make the part with the $5 then you're not good for this group or anyone in it.

Out of the Loop

It's been in the book for months. I've been gathering everything up for it. I've called for advice on how to get the most out of it. I packed the car up with a ton of stuff today and went there. No one was there. I guess somewhere along the line I got out of the loop of today's health fair. I'm grateful I didn't cancel any appointments for it, but I was looking forward to the event. Usually I don't verify these things since they are a large to-do and involve so many facets that once scheduled it happens unless the world ends. I left a message and we'll see what happens.
Today's gripe is still from last night. This week was a high "no show" week. Some had good excuses like the patient that lost her job that day. Hey life happens. Another was someone I reminded 2 days prior and he still forgot. So I'm fully instituting as of March first a $25 charge for no shows. Since I don't double book to keep wait times down I really get screwed when someone doesn't show. I have to admit it's usually the same people over and over so if I lose them it's not really a loss.

It was nice to come home last night and cook dinner which I hadn't done in over a week with Tone and family in the house. I did some mild straightening up and I'll vacuum the place tonight. I'm always amazed at how much I desire stability in my home life. I guess never having it for most of my life has left me with that. I moved some of the stuff they left lying around to places that were out of my way. Most of the house I don't care too much about, but I do like the breakfast nook, kitchen, and my bathroom kept neat. The other 4 bed rooms I could care less about since I can always close the doors. However I would like it to be nice to look into. When I start having guests over I'll do something with the living room since its still partially personalized to the landlord.

Today marks the first Saturday in a month with no snow which I can't believe is a stat here. It actually is a very nice day and I'm doing my weekly beach walk with L today.


I got home last night from a fun time at game night to an empty house. However walking around the place I felt violated. While I was impressed with all the crap they got out of the garage and barn which they left very neat. I was less than impressed with how the house was left. It was like how people leave a hotel room. There was dirty glasses around the rooms, unmade beds that had been used, etc. As a tenant I don't like having my living space messed up. Especially when I have to clean it. The one good thing was that the food cabinets are now empty and I can use them.

Last night was the first good night sleep I got since last Saturday when I was in NY. Since I'm working tomorrow morning and have a health fair afterwards I took this morning off. I cleaned some of the house and did laundry. Then I went out to stock the place and get my car cleaned inside and out from my NY trip last week. It felt nice to have that layer of salt and grime removed from the car.

I was very happy that Eric got to go to the museum yesterday and see most of the exhibits. We got to talk for a good amount of time. I did call an end to it after a long monologue from him on different video games. I feel bad with it since I do enjoy when he wants to talk a lot, but I can only take so much of the video game talk and I had all the singles coming in saying hello at the same time.

My gripe of the day was that I was making a left turn when I heard a little plastic snap and my air bag light went on. Something in my steering column must have come disconnected. It's just something I don't want to deal with.

Swimming With Sharks

I stopped to buy new shoes since the ones I had were starting to get old. Walking through Sears to get to the shoe store I saw they had a sale on shirts. I had wanted to get a pink shirt, but they didn't have any large. I can't believe that I need to buy a large dress shirt. Enough years in the gym has broadened me that I can't wear a tie in a medium anymore. I know I'm going to have to do this more often to replace my wardrobe which continues to shrink with the more muscle mass I put on. Then afterwards it was a visit over to Barnes & Nobles where I ended up buying Anthony Robbins book that I've heard talked about several times this week. It's his older book About Awakening the Giant.

It all worked out for me since I had my neighborhood meeting that I had to run this morning. Since it looks like this is going to be happening in the future I need to make plans to make it worth my while.

Then I had a lunch meeting with people on Inc. 500 list in my area. My business coach had invited me. Their would be others like owners of banks, Fed Ex in my area, etc. I was surprised that I was okay with this until I walked in. Holy shit did I feel out of place. With that I stepped out for a minute to call a friend and say a fast prayer before going back in. On the way back in I ran into someone I did know and had been leaving messages for. So we ended up talking which got me into different groups of people. When I first walked in everyone was already in groups talking. I made the mistake of putting them all up on a pedestal. What got me back to normal was that old story about John Lennon stating that he puked before every performance. Hey we're all human.

The last thing on my business social itinerary today is to stop by for a photo shoot to update my business picture which is 6 years old. So the new shoes, shirt, and tie got some mileage on them.

After all my patients today I'll be happy to attend game night with the singles and relax. At the end of the day it will be nice to go home to an empty house. I have to admit Tone and family put a hurt on the place. They got rid of a ton of stuff. Two huge dumpsters full to be exact. There is actually now 2 cars in the garage with plenty of room still left which amazed me. All these years there has only been the one which made it tight.

Today is officially Eric's birthday. I left a message for him before. I'm hoping his mom and him went to the Museum of Naturally History like they planned. You just never know with her though.

And the Clock Struck Four

Waking up at 4 am is way too early to be getting up for no reason. Actually if you have a reason it's still too early in my book. However for some unknown reason I awoke early this morning bright eyed a bushy tailed and unable to go back to sleep. This was good to about noon today when I started crashing.

The good news is that Tone and family are leaving in the morning. I can't get use to every light in the house on and the chaos that ensues. However they did get a lot of stuff done. The completely filled a huge dumpster yesterday and were suppose to get a new one today. There was actually room in the garage last night.

Even though keeping to my higher standards is working for me and I'm already seeing good results. I can feel the struggle to keep it up already. I just want to slide back to what's comfortable instead of what's working and making me happy. This always amazes me. It reminds me of a saying, "we back away from our hell instead or running joyously to heaven. One thing I need to start is having rewards and consequences for the things I need to get done. Something small that will either make me happy or bother me enough that I wouldn't want to do it.
Trivia night went well last night. Only one other person came from the singles group and he was late. You really do need a group of people. We had to admit that we didn't know anything, but we did pretty well.

The Uphill Journey

Well this is day 2 of wrestling with low self esteem and underachieving. One thing that is a good self esteem builder is standing up for what you believe in. I've spend a life time of not taking a hard line on anything. It avoids annoying people and standing up for myself where I usually got ripped apart. However without that aspect I'm not building anything and all the other work I do is just keeping me in the same place. So I'm working on increasing my standards to have a line in the sand of what I want and to do. It's all stuff I've done in the past of writing down my goals and following it up with massive amounts of action. When I do this my life prospers, but it never really takes and I gently slide back to where I was. This time I'm working on making a permanent part of my emotional makeup.

So this morning was a lot of phone calls I had been pushing off. I ended up leaving a lot of messages, but not having called would have dragged me down which I no longer find acceptable. As always I know it's getting every thing down in black and white so that I can't forget or fudge it in my mind.

My home life has been invaded and I don't like it. Tone and family are there for the next few days cleaning out the barn and some of the house. Vehicles will disappear which will be nice. Many trades people will be contracted. A new front door, roof, and deck will be built. The place I believe will now actually have a lawn. Tone told me there is a sprinkler system under there someplace. I think I'll have the summer BBQ at my place this year for the singles group if the deck is finished by then. While I get along well with Tone. The landlord's brother, while a nice person, is kind of like a brick in the stream. There's not a lot of flow there. I'll be happy when I have the place back to myself again.

NY Visit 2/10

Another Eric visit has come and gone. I always worry that our time apart is deteriorating our connection, but I was happy to be proven wrong. It's like the bib I give out to my new parents which states "what you teach me from zero to three will matter the most to me." I really connected very well when he was young and it still shows now. I was very happy that all my birthday presents went over well. I did a lot of research on a DS game and Big Bang Mini was suppose to be a hit and it didn't let me down. Eric was hooked.
I made my standard pasta for us, taught him how to cook it, and how to not have the pasta stick together. On his side he taught me how to tango. In his gym class he learned tango, rumba, fox trot, and meringue. All we every learned in gym class was how to square dance which has so much application in real life.
I'm happy to say while we were both sad Sunday, Eric didn't fall apart like he use to and we were able to have a fun day. I didn't put his mom down, but I made sure that he knew when she could drive him to the airport then we could have longer visits again. I've spent too many years taking the blame for everything.

Grieving Before the Road

I'm as surprised as the next person to admit that I'm grieving the end of my relationship with Asp. It's not major grieving, but I do catch myself at moments in one of the stages. The bigger thing I'm missing was the regular sex even though it was diminished at the end.

I'm not quite sure why, but I feel like a rat in a maze today. I think I'm just stressing myself out for the hell of it. I know I have a lot of balls in the air with things to get done in all aspects of my life, but I'm handling them. However I keep feeling all reved up like I'm doing a million things at once.

Tomorrow I'll hit the road to drive to NY to see Eric for the weekend and celebrate his birthday with him. I'm not looking forward to the drive, more so the one back since it's at night. It'll be great to see him. Since Tone and family will be arriving Monday I need to make sure the house is straightened up before I go. Once they finish this clean up run I want to start using the house more. I offered my friend Paul to stay with me anytime he wants since I've been staying with him all these years I've been visiting Eric. Also I want to start having friends over. I'll make some pasta and play some games or something. I like being social and this is the next step. I can tell it will probably be 2 more weeks before I will consider dating again.


I got home last night and realized I didn't get a chance to post yesterday which was weird for me. Not being able to fall asleep last night because I was so wired was a bigger reminder.

Asp emailed me yesterday wondering what I thought about her email for her possible second job. I was firm with her in making sure she got compensation settled before she started working. There are plenty of people out their that will take advantage of you and I know this lady laid it down thick. Asp let me know the lady responded, but still no word of compensation. She was disappointed because she likes taking pictures. So I hooked her up with a friend that is a photographer that will hopefully help her out.

Eric called today wondering if the weather was going to affect our visit. I told him as it stood now we would still be good since the storm was suppose to end today. I reassured him that since I was driving, if we couldn't see each other this week we would do so in 2 weeks time. He was off from school today and watching TV.

We had some heavy sticking snow here for a little while this morning, but it's almost all gone now with the sun out. However it's frigid out there with the winds gusting over 40 mph. Since people rescheduled due to the weather I had time to go shopping today for the weekend. Stuff is cheaper here than NY so I usually bring up the food that I'll need with me. I was hoping to replace my printer which is 2 months old with a new one today, but they were out of stock.

While business is okay this week, new patients are low. I have a few events in the hopper over the next month, but for the immediate future its bleak. I would expect more business with all the snow and ice, but nothing has surfaced.

Getting Back to Normal

Well it's day 1 of getting back to my regular scheduled program. I never really gave my heart to Asp so it's not really painful. However just daily habits need to be exorcised like the texting and calls. I have to admit it was nice to sleep soundly last night which I hadn't been doing all week. So I dropped off the replacement bulb for her microwave in her mailbox today after my appointment with OVDC. If she text me to thank me I'll have an idea if she can do this friend thing or not.

It was good to get to the gym today and I need to get back in the swing of things with that. I've been spotty all year long which is no good for me. Plus this week with going to see Eric I won't be walking with L.

Every once in a while I clean house on FB to drop people I don't really communicate with. I don't need to have a million friends in my counter. I just need to have people I care about. So I got a rush of them over the last week from people I dropped off over the last few months. I was surprised Tango girl put a request in. While I think she's very attractive I don't think we have it to make a relationship. Although I haven't talked to her in a while and I knew she was new from marriage then.

I tell you since my car broke down 2 years ago when I went to visit Eric I still get a dread fear when I'm going to drive up there. It's been with me for a week or so now. That waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find myself getting in my car thinking it's not going to start up this time. I'm really trying to let it go cause it's not helping me any.

The Dating Game

As my friend Paul will say I'm anal, but in a good way. Whether you know it or not I keep a dating chart of all the women I date. If we went out 2 or more times you land yourself on the chart. Your name and your blog nickname go on it. The second part is so I know who the hell they are after a while. After that I just list all their good (green highlights) and bad (red highlights) aspects as adjectives. It allows me to see how I'm doing. Am I still being attracted to that bad trait? Am I make progress up the dating ladder? The biggest thing is that black and white is a lot more accurate. Adding Asp to the list today I looked over the last few women I dated. Facebook, Dancer, Happy, and Blondie all had a lot more red than green.

I knew taking time off from dating last year would help. I have to admit I went out with most of them for their looks and found nothing beyond it. I have to admit Asp was borderline herself so I have to watch myself again. I'm not looking to get right back out there, but when I do I want to keep going up instead of taking the bat pole down.

It's funny cause I would never admit it, but I guess I'm a sucker for a pretty face. Every few women there is one that I remember was a real looker and their is all this red under her name.

Do you do anything to monitor your dating?

Farsight and Hindsight

One thing I realized this week was that my ex might have gotten my Mom's insane and abusive aspects. Asp got her neuroses and her distance. I knew when I first met her that I felt very safe with her and I know that kind of stuff is never a good thing. To have too much intimate knowledge of another person off the bat is always a warning. I've never had the safety warning before so I ignored it. I've had the felt very connected and know the person very well warning. It's always unfinished business alarms and like a proximity alarm I should stay away.

The one thing that keeps playing in my head is that Asp said it already hadn't been working for her. It's this stuff that I don't understand. If she knew than why all the other conversations about being distant and working on getting better. Oh well like many things it's something I'll never know the answer too.

I'm altering my rules about dealing with problem people and my singles group. As you probably know it's a $5 annual fee for the group. I get so many people who want to discuss it, how much money I'm making off it, etc. My new rule is that these emails get deleted. If its going to take this much energy to decide to spend $5 then I don't want you in the group. As this is the first week after all annual dues were due. I'm getting a bunch of these emails. I can't believe so many people waste so much time over the amount.

Since its Superbowl Sunday I figured most places would be dead and that was deal when I stopped to get new front tires for my trip to see Eric next week. I felt bad for a woman who stopped by and had a flat tire and had to get a new tire. A new one on sale was $205. In the waiting room she asked my if that was normal and I told her it was. I should of asked where she was from but didn't since I knew English wasn't her first language. With an SUV type vehicle a tire is big bucks.

While sitting there I was reading all the signs about all the new devices and indicators in the newer vehicles. Looking at all the stuff I think cars are becoming cost prohibited to people.

Now Back to Our Regulary Scheduled Program

Well the deed got done with Asp today. It went well. She was surprised at my turn around, but she admitted she wasn't feeling it anymore either. By her actions I was thinking that. I'm just happy to have it over. We talked a long while afterwards about stuff like we usually do. So I hope she still comes to events. I'll try to stay in touch with text to see how things are going like with her second job. Now life returns to normal.

Today L and I are doing are beach walk. I'm happy that its sunny,but otherwise I'm not looking forward to it since it's about 30 degrees out there. I'll be happier next month when spring arrives.

I'm getting very frustrated with my computer at home. I can't get it to connect with my wifi. It detects it, but connection is a whole other animal. It's a bit of pain to bring my work laptop home to have Internet usage over the weekend.

Today's the Day

Their comes a point in my process where the pain is more than what I'm getting out of it that I finally decide to do something about it. I thought it would be last night, but it seemed that I needed another few hours to get my head right. When I break up with someone I like to have it solid in my head. I've done it in the past where my head wasn't in the right place and it becomes very messy. I don't think Asp will argue about this, but who the hell knows what will happen. I didn't even attempt to call her again last night and haven't heard anything from her still. Now all I have is that nagging feeling that something needs to be done. Their will always be some fear and angst mixed in there, but hey I'm human which I have to admit sometimes. I'll contact her after my last patient. I don't need this stuff affecting my business.

Happy to say so far all the bad weather has been lots of rain and wind. Not the greatest weather, but much better than snow. So I'm happy. Also it shouldn't affect game night tonight with the singles.

Tone let me know last night that she'll be down on the 15th with the landlord's brother and some other family members to get rid of some of the junk that is around the place. Plus they will take many of the vehicles back with them which will be nice.

In My Face

International Networking Night was last night in my area and I worked the door like I did last year. 350 people piling past me. During the 2 open networking times I could give a crap about talking to anyone. Having so many people shoved in my face earlier had burned me out. I did get to see many old faces which was nice. The first speaker I enjoyed very much while I played usher at the auditorium door. Something I hadn't done in 26 years since RKO theaters. The biggest thing I got from him was to think big instead of the incremental steps. By thinking big and then working backwards you would make bigger accomplishments instead of the small steps forward. It's just two different ways of thinking. I can feel this as I'm running around today trying to get this marketing venture off the ground for myself and other business people.

I did stop to see my Mom before I went since it was right down the road from her. She was having dinner so I got to help feed her. She did okay and I was satisfied when she told me she was good. Any initiation of choice is good in my book.

Due to being out the whole night I decided not to call Asp like I usually do every night. Also since 2 out of the 3 nights I couldn't even reach her. I was surprised this morning that she didn't even realize it since she said she went to bed early. I can feel the distance growing between us. In talking with a friend, I decided to ask her to get together tonight. My thought which I didn't vocalize was to see where things were and talk. Asp didn't want to stating she was crabby. I'm happy being friends with her, but anything else has just died.

It's snowing down here again. I'm really hoping I don't have to shovel again tomorrow. Especially since I'm coming here to the office tomorrow.

Another Gift

One of my new patients today came out of treatment and saying that was the best chiropractic treatment she had every had. Since I know her and she's been going to chiropractors regularly for 10 years, I figured she'd be a good person to ask why. She said it was a combination of a massage and chiropractic care plus she didn't feel rushed through the office. At least I have an idea to what people mean when they say this since I'm hearing it more often. However how I get them to tell others is problematic. I think I'm going to have to video tape everyone and put on my website. I already have written testimonials. The video will kick it up a notch.

I finally got back to the gym today after 2 weeks off. I need to get back into a routine again. Not having one isn't good for me nor is the lack of strength training. The stress of dealing with Asp this week has been a good motivator to get back in.

People are Strange

As usual people are scrambling to rejoin my singles group after the termination of so many accounts as of the first of the month. I won't bore you with all their excuses. However I will entertain you with money getting to me. The biggest is the super secret check in the envelope. People it's $5. There is no reason to use a ream of lead lined paper to make sure no one can hold your envelope up to the light to see if there is money in there. Maybe I'm jaded from working in the jewelry industry. One of my duties then was to courier jewelry around NY. I was bonded up to a 100 grand so that was what I was usually running around with. One thing I learned from a jewelry smuggler we use to deal with was that people don't expect you to have anything beyond the norm unless you give them a reason. Only when you're freaking out nervous to you tell people somethings up.

I'm happy to say the snow is finally gone here. However I was amazed the other day with someone driving a Lexus roadster. The only snow they cleaned off was a slit in the front and back. They left 6 inches of snow every place else. I think if you're going to spend all that money on a car you should at least get someone to clean it for you. Either that or get use to it being bashed up.

I called Asp last night to again no response on the phone or text. I was surprised that she did text a explanation later this morning. It's still not first thing and I think she's waiting for me to say good morning which I haven't done till late (about 3-4 hours later) this week. Her explanation of she killed the battery didn't float since I call on one cell phone and text her on another. I feel it falls under the douche bag rule which states that I have to make something up for doing a shitty thing.

The biggest problem I have with break ups is my perception. When I was growing up and for most of my adult life, my perceptions were always abused. If the sun was out I was told it was night and that kind of thing. So anytime when I need to stand up for my perceptions I get shaky since it usually meant having them torn apart and me sent away with tail between my legs. So for me there is a lot of repetition to solidify my perception in my mind. My perceptions are 9/10s of my reality. My feelings here with Asp is that I'm not that important to her which I feel through the absence of her actions. When she does an explanation like this morning always throws me cause then I have to revisit my perceptions up to this point. I feel like a person with OCd having to start over every time something is changed up. Since I have a large business event tonight which starts early and goes late I was passing on calling her tonight. Two out of three times she hasn't picked up this week so I don't really care about tonight. Most likely I'll just end it tomorrow night since we have no plans to see each other still.

Eric called me late last night for help with his homework. However I don't have Internet at the house at the moment. For some reason my older computer isn't connecting to my wifi and I can't figure out why. I felt bad, but also I think he needs to realize I'm not a fairy godfather. When he was young it was kind of like that, but I've been trying to teach him that's not the way it is. Give me some notice and I'll do what I can, but last minute I can't pull a rabbit out of my hat.

Meaty Gifts

I've been a bit on the negative side the last few days. Business being slow and problems with Asp have not helped. The funny thing is that I had a dream with Eric in it the other night where something got dumped on both of us. He was upset since things hadn't turned out like he wanted. I told him that he still didn't know how things would turn out. Then he grew up right in front of my eyes. It was interesting.

Anyway I was trying to get out of this funk today since I was really having a hard time being happy or excited about stuff as I talked to people. One of the people from the small dinner around the corner stopped by with their specials for the day. He was trying to talk me into their T Bone special and that he would deliver if I ordered. Nice, but no thanks. Anyway 20 minutes later he comes back in and says here take it since we have an extra. Free T bone steak with all the fixings. It was nice to have a kind act happen and cheer my spirits up. This combined with the sun finally appearing has done much to make me feel better.

On the real Eric front. I talked to him last night and knew something was bothering him, but he wasn't saying. However before I got off the phone his mom told him to tell me that her dad was back in the hospital and that their schedule might be off for a while. There was my answer. He still didn't have much to say, but I told him to call if he wanted to talk about it. Plus I re-enforced our visit next week.
To avoid boredom in the office today I ran a few errands. Most people will wonder why, but I stopped to pick up a new bulb for Asp's microwave. Stopped at a few businesses to show my face and then a trip to the thrift store. I did score pretty good today with a copy of Apples to Apples for game night this week. Not a big fan of the game, but many people like it.

Bad Math

It was interesting Asp also got an offer for a second job yesterday. It would be good for her if it comes through since it would play with what she likes to do. When she would have free time is beyond me.

I talked to my business coach about my offer since he runs the same organization in other cities. What I thought he pay would be was double the true amount which sucked. Also when we sat down and did the math we couldn't think of how they would be paying for all of it. All we could figure out was a one time sum and then small change if someone else joined. Not my cup of tea.

I find myself in that dead man's zone with Asp. I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel, but I'm not looking to put more energy into it. As friends we seem to do well, but beyond that it's not what it was during our first month. I texted her after our conversation last night to see if she was coming to game night with me Saturday. When I awoke this morning it was still quiet. I had no reason to do my usual "good morning" text. I figured I'd get around to it when I got to the office 3 hours later. About 2 hours she finally responded that she had turned her ringer off last night which I've never seen her do. She said she wasn't up to it this weekend. Asp didn't give any options of us getting together and I don't feel like picking up the slack this time. I know the more time that goes by the less I'll care.

I'm surprised as was OVDC that business hasn't picked up this week with all the snow. The news keeps talking about everyone in the ER with back pain. Why this hasn't translated into new business is weird. I hate slow weeks.

Stop the Ride

I have to admit I'm starting to get tired of the roller coaster ride with Asp. I know all days are not created equal, but I was married for 10 years so I know how to just act "as if" on those days. However these I don't give a fuck days are starting to grow. Little things I notice quickly add up. Like yesterday when I got up and before I left I gave the GF a hug and said how nice it was to see her. My response was silence. Last night when I went to talk to her I got no response to phone or text. I know Asp sometimes falls asleep watching TV which is no big deal. However I expected a response when I awoke this morning. I didn't get anything until I texted her a few hours later.

I'm starting to think that we might be better friends than anything greater. Just going over day to day stuff today it flows. However the deeper stuff doesn't seem to work regularly. I feel myself making a decision sooner than later.

I got offered a part time job today with one of my business groups. It would entail growing their business groups. It's strictly commission basis. Also I can't advertise my business only theirs which would suck if they got another chiropractor in there. I need to talk to my business coach since he wanted to start a group and grow it. That would be a great team up for both of us. I could get the extra money and he would get all the extra business people since I would have the organization behind me to find people.

Buried in Complaints

After my business meeting with my coach Friday it was very evident that the way I'm doing things isn't working out. Like I do with relationships I usually spell everything out cause I know if I hope they just get it their will be a problem. From running bigger offices I know this stuff, but it wasn't the greatest of experiences. However the basics of what was done then is very important to being successful. What do I keep doing is avoiding it for some strange reason. However this weekend was a time or realization of stop hitting myself with a 2x4 in trying to recreate the wheel when I have the training to make it work. My personality will make it different. I see in the small changes I made over the last month that this is correct. Sometimes my black and white thinking works against me.

Pool with the singles yesterday was fun although I was surprised that more people didn't come. I did end up leaving my license there and I was happy that another member called to let me know cause I wouldn't haven't realized until I needed it. Who knows when that would be?

The evening with the GF was fun. It was nice seeing her again. Asp made some chicken fried rice for dinner which was yummy. Afterwards we relaxed while watching TV. One thing I'm still processing her is that we aren't always on the same wave length. The percentage is higher than I'd like and I'm trying to figure out where it lies.

Asp did help me out this morning with her most attractive quality to me. Her ability to complain when something is wrong. While many would shake their heads at this, I have a hard time with this. Hence I'm attracted to people who can do this. I pulled into my business parking lot today to find the whole place unplowed and ice covered sidewalks. This is a business killer. I was complaining and saying I would need to go get a shovel to make it safe for my patients to come in. Asp was like call your landlord and get him to clean it. I knew she was right, but hell if I wanted to do it. However I did pick up the phone and talk to my landlord. He said they were already on their way. It's funny since I don't automatically go here. I go to the place of how can "I" solve it instead of getting the person responsible to do it.
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