Going Sane in a Crazy World

My journey through life and the lessons I learn to help me grow spiritually.

Sane Friends


Growing up through grade school and junior high I had infatuation on a girl named Robin. How it started was a few dreams about her and it just took on a life of it's own. Now as a guy I wasn't making little hearts with are initials in it or such. However she stood in my mind. Also since we both have our last names starting with "V" meant we sat together a lot. She never gave me the time of day, but I am happy to look back and remember having asked her out to a dance of two. How I did it back then is a mystery. I don't remember any help from my Mom or bro on the subject. Although I do remember my Mom joking that I had a thing for blonds which was untrue then as it is today. When I moved out of the area I wrote a letter professing my love or something to that affect. It's one of those things you regret for your entire life. Although I never saw her again I always felt like a fool for it. That shame was like a large rock in my back pocket. Not killing me, but I always knew it was there and I would just shove it in another pocket when it came up. It's funny how I can keep things alive for decades when the other person involved probably forgot them long ago.

Well I popped that bubble years ago removing that annoying rock. However her name came to memory two nights ago since my friend Robin came to visit. A little twist of the soul came with it. When I pulled out my pockets again I saw that some residue was still there. That old feeling is that insanity of what didn't I do to make them love me? What could I have done more? It's an old tape. Very interesting to see it so far in the past and how it has colored my life. Even though I still can struggle with it, I'm happy that it doesn't dominate my life.

Post Concert Review

Well Robin made it down here fine even though it was an extremely long ride for her. I'm still amazed when I go to concerts down here that parking is free and they don't really check you when you go in. In NY I was use to everything just shy of a full body cavity search. I probably could of asked them to help me lift a case of C4 over the turnstile. We found out who Vanessa Carlton was when she did her last song which I have no idea the name of, but I've heard it before. How and where I haven't a clue. Stevie did a great job singing and with her many wardrobe changes. I wasn't quite sure if it was the high heels or a back issue that made her walking weird and her bending off. Oh well it's just the chiropractor in me.

The funniest thing, oh wait the second funniest thing was the women dropping her skirt to pee in the parking lot near us. The first funniest thing is that my housemate Mal is never there. She only slept at the house once last month and so far zero this month. Well we get back to the house last night and their's a note saying she has friends in town that will be staying over. Of all the nights! Anyway they stumbled in drunk at 5 am this morning. Oye. I knew they were drunk when they set their car alarm four times. Hopefully they will be better tonight since I am exhausted. I may go ape shit on some jerk wad that doesn't tip me tonight.

How Much?

I went to lunch with the Contractor today to talk business. We ended up going to Kelly's Tavern. It was a fun time, but I didn't think of the bill till I got back to the office. It was $15 for the daily hamburger special. So I got a hamburger and a coke for $15? The waitress wasn't topless their was no happy ending? Jeez I got to ask what the special cost next time.

Today's The Day

Well today's the day. After buying tickets many moons ago and freaking L out about getting them the Stevie Nicks concert is here. Robin is coming down from Maryland to enjoy the show with me. The crowd last night at work found out how old I was which surprised all. When they found out who I was going to see tonight they all got a good laugh. Hey I'm an old man what can I say.

I tell you I don't know what my networking group did before me. No one follows the rules of one on one meetings. I'm the new guy and they are learning from me. It's too funny.

I met the Sales Guy at a networking function a while ago. We go to the same Starbuck and forget it if we are there at the same time. He'll be chewing my ear off. He's like my old friend John, never shuts up. If Sales Guy continues I'm going to have to tell him to STFU.

Where Are All the Single People At?

When I left Starbucks this morning after asking that women out I realized besides my friend Paul all my friends are married. Most don't really care about my dating life which I think may be envy. So I was like okay who can I talk to about this. I did the next best thing and blogged here about it, but it's not the same as talking with another person. So I'm going to have to find some single friends.

The other thing I realized while Diner Girl (who wasn't at our meeting this morning) is very attractive, the woman I asked out this morning was more attractive to me since she was closer to my age. Their was more of a connection and that was a good reminder for me. The other thing I had forgotten is what a world a difference my Starbucks is in the morning compared to the afternoon. My generation is there in the morning so I will have to fit that in at least once a week.

Wow what a crap month business wise. June first it started slow and it has stayed slow. My business is down by half and that sucks. One thing I am waiting for is the massage therapist across the hall is trying to move to NC. When she moves out I'll rent my extra room out for massages to make some extra money. I talked to my friend Rosi today about how she does it on her end. I know her extra room pretty much pays her rent.

Flattering Women Across the City

After my weekly networking meeting this morning I was still dragging so I headed on over to Starbucks to get my chai latte and get all my goals for business. I know without them written down I will forget them. I plopped my stuff on the table when I walked in noticing an attractive woman with a laptop at the comfy chair next to it. At times we looked at each other and smiled. We small talked as we did business throughout the hour. I thought she was flirting with the lean forwards letting her blouse hang. I did get a referral for a friend of mine and on my way out I asked if she wanted to have drinks. However she said she had a boyfriend. She did say I was very handsome and that I had flattered her by asking. I tell you when I meet someone this whole list of possibilities run through my mind. Are they dating material, a patient, or a referral? It's just too much.

Monday's Musings

Wondering today if my friend Paul's father died or not. He told me Saturday that his father had taken a turn for the worse and I know he was already on borrowed time. I've left a few messages, but I still haven't heard anything back.

It is freakin' humid here today. I rarely put the AC on in my car, but today was one of those days. I finally was able to make it over to see my Mom today. Since I hadn't seen her in a few days I did her nails for her. It looked like someone had cut a nail or two of her's already, but they did a bad job. Finally I think I have the nail polish mixed enough that I get better coats with it.

Hoping to get back on schedule this week especially with the gym. I think having a permanent schedule at night will help. Last week's marathon week really tired me out and having my eating schedule messed with caused me to lose some weight which I'm not happy with.

Still no reply from Okie Girl, but since it was a surprise to hear from her no big deal. I like Becca's description of Young Thang for Diner Girl who I will see tomorrow. I'll flirt and see where it goes. That one I'll let her lead.

Vanella - Flavor of the Day

Well everyone at PJ's found out that my last name is Vanella. They were all asking and re- asking to make sure. I just said yes and laughed. This seem to make it more enjoyable for them for some reason. I've had enough name calling and jokes in my life that I'm pretty immune to the stuff. That was yesterday. Today they wanted to know if I used the whole vanella taste thing to pick up women. Most of these guys are in their early 20's. I told them "no" although I have been asked by several women over the years that question. I was always married at the time so I don't know how I would answer that now.

My pizza story of the night goes to this jerk who asked if I brought him napkins with his order. I told him "no" we don't supply them. So he kept my tip. Bastard. I also found yet another road, this one with a chain and a sign saying it wasn't a through way. I should have taken a picture. It was a freaking long drive back around to go in another way. They need to put these bastard barriers on the map.

Okie girl has moved into the picture. I first met her in salsa class many moons ago. Every once in a while I run into her. I like her and she's fun to talk to, but we have never gotten a chance to really talk for any length of time. I found her on Myspace about a month ago. We emailed back and forth a few times. Nothing really became of it. Well tonight I find and email wondering where I have been since she hasn't seen me in a while. I told her to let me know what events she was going to and I would try and go, but if not we could meet for Starbucks to catch up. So I'll see how she responds.

The Endless Battle

Since the dawn of man the battle between a man's brain and his penis have sparred in how to direct one's actions. My meeting with Diner Girl has started another of these battles. It was a fun talk over Starbucks and it felt more like a first date than a business meeting. There were no pregnant pauses, but more of are we going to step over the line. I kept bringing us back to business. At the end I shook her hand, but I wasn't quite sure if I saw her go to hug me goodbye.

So Diner Girl is incredibly attractive, fun to talk to, surprisingly some self awareness, and a business women. On the other hand I feel her youngness and the biggest thing is that we are in the same business networking group. I don't usually mix dating with business since it can affect so much. Then there's her scent. Damn you could bottle that stuff. I would be like an addict on a corner looking for his fix. So indecision, indecision, indecision.

Scent of a Women

Well I had a business meeting with one of the members from my networking group. She's a very attractive 24 year old and I was prepared for that. OMG I was not prepared for how good she smelled. My friend Paul and I have talked quite a bit on the attractiveness of nice scent on a woman. Suave does a great job of this. So at the moment I'm still intoxicated by her scent. Trying to get my head on straight for the rest of the day. Tried to keep the meeting on topic and not make it like a first date type situation, but at times that is how it felt.

Craigs List

While I would never think of using Craigs list to find a date many do. It seems to have become a past time of many to find the truly hilarious ones. So here's my attempt at keeping up with Jones.

Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2007-06-12, 6:23PM EDT

I'm a 29-year-old single black male. I'm 6'0", muscular, dark brown in complexion. I love to fart. I would like to correspond with a sexy, single and attractive white woman, between 23 and 37 years old, with a big butt who farts a lot. [Someone who] farts more than the average person...farts long, loud, and smelly. I want a woman who considers herself a farter in every sense of the word.... Please keep in mind that the farting part is absolutely the most essential quality I'm looking for in a mate...for a wild, sexual relationship. I live in Philadelphia, but would be more than willing to do everything necessary to meet a woman who sees herself honestly reflected in this description. A very big butt is a plus.

If you don't fit this description, please do not e-mail me. If you're not serious and do not intend to respond if I write back, please don't e-mail me, because I'm 100% serious...I'm tired of getting e-mails from folks who pretend to fit the description, yet don't respond when I try to contact them.

Weary Wednesday

This going to bed late and then getting up early is wearing thin. I have to make sure my manager only has me work 4 days a week. Anymore than that and it is too much. I'm just drooping today and glad I don't have to work tonight. Last night was brutal with the heat. Placing piping hot pizza's in the car just added insult to injury. I was so happy when the sun went down.

Business is still chugging along. Still need a batch of good new patients that want more than one shot treatment. I just finished a batch of them. While I will not turn the money away. Good patients are precious. Getting more request for me to do lectures around the area so potential is still their. I need to get better at closing the sale. I'm really good up to that point, but I usually want people to make up their own minds. However I think I will have to sweeten the pot to get them to come in.

Presentations & Dates

Well my presentation went well this morning and I raised the bar with the power point. I was told that I talked slow which was good since I was trying and it is easier to do after each slide. However since I have put myself out there my reaction is to pull back into myself. I got a lot of leads with it and I need to follow up. So it will be a struggle today.

Over the last few years I have brought God into most parts of my life. What I realized Sunday night is that finding a date has been left out of that loop. On thinking about it I found two reasons. One that the prayer would be fulfilled and the fear that I wouldn't be ready for it. I know this is garbage since I am never given anything which I unable to handle. The second is that it's still one place where I rule. It's all me and I know this is where I put a lot of stress on myself unduly. So I decided to change that yesterday. The funny thing was that I didn't know what to ask for. If I don't know what I am truly looking for how do I find it?


Wow what a difference a day makes. The humid meter went through the roof. I also can see that all the kids are out of school this week. Web browsing is very slow today. Not much going on today. My new patient from last week's health fair was a no show and I accidentally tossed her info sheet out so I can't call.

I was going to wait a little while longer to get a hair cut, but with today's heat I decided today was the day. Besides that I am practicing for my 10 minute presentation tomorrow. It's the easiest information wise presentation I have done, but I'm trying to go slow so that is making it harder. When I downshift my speed the brain stumbles.

Well the air guitar is getting a lot of work this summer. My landlord is heading back out again Thursday for a 2 week haul to Colorado. I guess it will be nice to have the house to myself, but since I am working at night again it isn't the same. Depending on who moves in when he gets back will decide if the meal plan stays in place. I like it. Having food made when I get home from work is great. Don't know it will be worked since my landlord is pretty anal about his stuff. Don't have to worry about it today since it may never come to pass.

Pick Up Lines

dWell since I am looking to get back to dating I figured I would stat working on my pick up lines. Looking across the web I found these:

1. Just call me milk; I’ll do your body good.
2. Your body’s name must be Visa; because it’s everywhere I want to be.
3. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
4. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
5. I lost my teddy bear… can I sleep with you?

6. Excuse me; do you have your phone number? I’ve seem to have lost mine.
7. I’m new in town — can I have directions to your house?
8. It strange, but you look just like my mother.
9. I can’t find my puppy; can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
10. Hi, I’m a necrophiliac, how good are you atplaying dead?

11. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
12. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous!
13. Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
14. If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
15. I think I’d look good on you.

16. You must be named Jelly, because jam doesn’t shake like that.
17. Was your dad a farmer? Because I’m loving those melons.
18. Are your legs tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
19. Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cause you’re the only ten I see!
20. Oh my god, I thought I was gay… then I met you.

21. You look like a girl who has heard every line in the book. So, how bad is one more going to hurt?
22. Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged!
23. One way or another I’m going to make love to you tonight but I’d rather you be there.
24. Somebody better call God, because He’s missing an angel!
25. Are you busy tonight around 3 AM?

26. Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her.
27. Do you have a map? I just keep getting lost in your eyes.
28. Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
29. I’m new in town. Can you give me the directions to your apartment?
30. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

31. Was your Dad an alien? Because there’s nothing else like you on this planet!
32. Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?
33. Your eyes are blue like the ocean and right now I’m lost at sea.
34. Do you know karate? Because your body is really kicking!
35. If you were a laser, you’d be set on stunning.

36. Excuse me, do you have any raisins? No? Well, can I at least have a date?
37. Do you have a Band Aid? I just scrapped my knee falling for you.
38. Can you pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my ass? Some little kid with wings just shot me.
39. I just moved you to the top of my “To Do List.”

40. If you don’t want to have kids with mecan we at least practice?
41. Were you arrested earlier? It’s got to be illegal to look that good.
42. Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
43. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
45. Your Dad must be a jewel thief, cause he stole two diamonds out of the sky and put them in to your eyes!!
45. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight.

46. If beauty were an hour, you’d be a second.
47. Do you know that your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated?
48. Are you natually brunette?
49. I hope you know CPR, because you just took my breath away.
50. Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.


Eric called me this morning to wish me a Happy Father's day, but beside that I have no connection to the holiday. It's just another Sunday. Maybe when I talk to my friends tomorrow and hear their stories I will feel more of the pain. I did inform Eric today that I wouldn't be seeing him before he went to camp, but I would see him after. He took it well, but I hated doing it.

I tell you working late really messes your day up. Going to be bed a 3 means getting up somewhere around noon. Hmm Sunday, everything closes at 5. Damn, half the day gone. So I hightailed it down to the oceanfront for the yearly art show. It was good and their were a few new people there that made it worth it. I was thinking of buying a really cheap piece, but with money tight and no real place to put it I passed. The weather down there was perfect with just enough breeze to keep you from becoming a puddle of sweat.

Realized sometime last night that I am back to being open to dating again. I haven't released the hounds yet and began actively searching for someone, but if someone crosses my path I'll pursue.

Oral Sex & Sluts

Deb's comment last entry made me think on the term sluts. So that you women know guys very rarely use the term "slut" and if they do it's in a joke. The term "slut" was created by parents to prevent their little precious girls from every having sex. Kind of like telling boys you'll go blind if you masturbate. Since the male population is walking with with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's all just a lot of crap. However I do notice that women desperately grab this word as the evil of the world. From the guys point of view your worrying about a lot of shit. I know I don't really care about how many men you've been with as long is it isn't when I'm with you. Guys in general like women that are connected to their sexual side. Helps break the myth in our brains about women being the sexless side of the relationship. I've already had one women reader say she remembers her first oral sex experience in receiveing better than her wedding. Good for her weddings are over rated. So let me ask which are you - oral sex or wedding?

Being a Guy

I went to see some comedians last night with friends since we had free tickets. One of the comedians joking about and observation noted for women the day they will always remember would be their wedding day. However for guys it would be the day they got their first blow job. We all sat around thinking about it afterwards and we agreed the guy was right. Large gaps are in my memory about my wedding day and I don't drink to blame that. However I can remember every iota of detail the first time I got a blow job. Guess it's true guys are different.

Down here the big talk is guys and their shorts. I don't know what if this is a national phenomena or since we don't have any professional sports team here this is the best news we could come up with. Anyway their is suppose to be a move by older guys which I actually fit into. Jeez I'm in the older guy category now. The new style or style revisited is to wear shorter shorts. I'm not talking Daisy Dukes for guys, but mid thigh shorts. I've never worn shorts below my knees cause if their that long I might as well wear pants. The biggest complaint I've heard from women is that guys stuff is hanging out when their sitting down. I don't know why this is happening. Is there some unwritten rule that you have to go commando when wearing shorts. I don't remember learning that at camp. Wait I never went to camp so maybe that's the problem.

In the Valley

"The Valley" is something my friend Paul and I call the area we get in after the mountain peaks of stress that we get over. It is when in these valleys that it is the easiest to do something stupid. Enter Chamber lady at my networking event today. Every time I have met Chamber lady she has had a low cut blouse. I am not a breast man in the least, but I could look at her cleavage all day long. I tried to figure out why while I was staring, but she closed her sweater and I didn't know if I had been busted or not. Never a good feeling. It's like stealing cookies. It's great to you get caught. She took off the sweater a few minutes later so I didn't know. I have to admit as a guy goes I'm pretty good with this, but when I am in the valley sex is foremost in my mind. I also it's never a good time to start anything up. It's why I passed on Loan lady who had been staring at me from across the room. She was very attractive, but the valley really hinders my gut in telling me if this a good thing or not.


I was in the mood for pizza today. I really didn't feel like driving all the way out to my usual place and I had gotten an ad for a place down the block. The pizza was only 8" instead of my usual 15", but it was closer. So I figured I would check it out. Now ordering pizza for me is always and experience. So I walk in an tell them I want to order a pan pizza to go. Now I want it with no cheese just sauce. This is usually the moment they seem to have a nervous breakdown. Like you told Columbus was wrong the world really is flat. In their attempts to compose themselves they usually want to give me more toppings. I don't want no stinkin' toppings, just sauce no cheese. I had to admit this girl today recovered faster than most. At least she didn't ask me like the last person did I want it cooked?

My review: it was okay. Not as good as my usual place and at half the size for a few 50 cents more I'll drive the distance.


I've never had a car that I have been hit so much in. Today was number 3 in 1 1/2 years. WTF? I was leaving the library today and I slowed to go over the speed bump. Motion caught my attention on the right side as this large pick up truck starts backing up. WHAM! I'm hit and I think I must be screwed he had to have had a hitch on the monstrosity and it just went through my door. To my amazement he didn't have a hitch and there was only a little ding. I made sure the doors opened okay and I told the gut don't worry about it. He really wanted to make sure, but he was relieved that I didn't want to call the cops. Soon my car will be one big ding.

Cleaning My Date Card

Talking to my friend Rosi today. She gave me the low down on C over at her place. At present she is dumping her boyfriend since he isn't Christian enough for her. I'll take her name off my date card now. No reason to even try.

June 4th

Hey it's only June 4th and I'm worrying about paying July's bills. I just got finish paying last months bills by pulling stuff out of my ass to cover everything. I won't be able to do that next month. So fear is trying to get its grip on me. I've done a fine job of getting its slimy claws of me, but it still leaves a mark. Second job wise is pretty dismal so far. Still no word from the two valet jobs. I tried calling this morning for a part time teaching position for a medical biller. I could do that. Anyway trying to talk to anyone there about it ended up with me being transferred to 4 different people who didn't have a clue, being on hold for this side of eternity, and then being disconnected. Hmm do I really want to work for this place? Sad, but I do need the money so I will try again later.

Talked to the ex last night which was weird. She wanted to apologize for the weird call schedule last week with Eric and that her dad was in the hospital having surgery. I was okay with it. Just keep me in the loop. I was also happy that she was making sure I was happy. I've been screwed over too many times and I'm glad she knows I will be on her like a rabid dog if she tries anything ever again.


Well I awoke with sex on the brain. It took a long while before I realized it was Sunday morning and what that meant to my Pavlovian trained brain. A little pain and a childish urge to last out also went through my head as the last wisp of sleep left me.

Since I am more free on the weekends now I headed over to the gym to get some cardio in. It's been a while and I tried the elliptical for once. Jeez is that thing uncomfortable as hell. Give me the treadmill any time. I had to hold on the whole time cause I figured I fall off the damn contraption. It's been a while since I've had to run for valet so I figured I get it back. Speaking of valet they had the auction yesterday for everything in the club. I was thinking of going, but with a festival across the street and me no longer having a parking pass decided against it.

Did I Miss the Date

Was yesterday don't wear a wedding ring day for women? Did I miss it on the calendar. Did the notice get sent to my spam box?

I wasn't trying to pick up any women yesterday, but reflexes die hard. At out office block party, my co host's employee was flirting around with everyone. She didn't have a ring I noticed. Then as the party went on she ordered a burger for her husband that was on his way. WTF? Then later in the day I stopped in to order a sign for the office and one of the owners I know is married, I even talked to her husband that day, wasn't wearing her ring. Again WTF?

I mean I always hear the old story of the guy chucking his ring to hook up with someone. However these women, I have encountered others, weren't wearing their rings with no intention as far as I could tell of picking up anyone. If you are going to go through all the work of getting married and getting the ring. Why aren't you going to wear it. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. When I was married the only time I took mine off was when I though I might damage it like if I was working on the car or something. Besides that it was on 24/7.

Stepping into a Whole New World

I was sitting this morning meditating and praying like always and I realized over the past few weeks I have been asking for more new patients for the office. Usually I'm more focused on personal qualities and growth, but I decided to add this in. Couldn't hurt. Lo and behold I have been getting more new patients. My lesson to keep on striving for more. Either lessons learned form early on about being unworthy or not wanting to be disappointed still dictate in the back of my mind what I reach for. So here is an awareness to help move me up another level out of the pit of my soul.
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