Pizza Stories

I don't know how many of your readers remember when I use to deliver pizza for Papa Johns last year. It was a good PT job, but not as good as valet. The biggest problem being you really pound on your car delivering pizza. I use to get a lot of funny stories out of it mostly sex. You know couples that order a pizza and try to be finish before I get there. I never really understood the concept, but just don't leave me standing out there cause I'm going to leave. Now there is a darker flip side to this. The guys who want to spank the monkey between ordering and delivery. Guys put some fucking pants on. The pizza is not the same when you have to slide in sideways.

Anyway I ran into Special E last night and we caught up in pizza happenings. It seems with the economy Papa Johns decided that driving was considered a tipping job so minimum wage was no longer in order. Special E said he was losing like $15 a night with the new rules and the thought of being robbed while making $4/hr didn't work so he quit. He did tell me two of the other drivers had gotten robbed. One had even gotten pistol whipped. I was surprised since we had a pretty good area. I use to remember all the stories one of my managers retold from Ward's Corner which is a REALLY bad area. Robberies, pistol whippings, and being shot at were the norm.

Fridays Come

I still haven't fully integrated my life with my new shoes yet. Case in point I walk into the gym this morning and I realized I don't have sneakers on, but my shoes. I'm considering it still when I realize I don't even have any white socks. I'm not working out in black socks. Way to high on the geek-o-meter and I have flashbacks to childhood and gym class. So I had to reschedule till tomorrow.

I do have to thank Annie for helping me get back on the positive side with the Florist. I soak up negativity like a sponge I've been told and I had dropped back into that feeling yesterday. She helped me remember all the positive points.

I tell you Spa girl and I are like gasoline and a match. One call and I'm trying to reign my mind in. I've forced myself to keep to the one return phone call back. She's very unreliable and I don't want my role as the moth and her the flame in this picture.

On my way over to salsa last night I drove by the BOA building and it was nice not to be working valet there anymore even thought that was a year ago. Also it's been about a month since I quit pizza and it's nice to have a life without a second job. No bags of money yet, but enough to squeak by on.

The Goodbye Guy

Well tonight was my last night of pizza. It was bittersweet. I'm very happy to not be doing it anymore. However I hate saying goodbye. Besides my manager I didn't tell anyone else. I ended up telling Ed that it was my last night because we were talking when I was leaving. It was my way of avoiding it all. With moving so much as a child saying goodbye or having people ripped from you was common place. So now when I have to do it instead of being the firecracker of emotion it is a stick of dynamite and it sucks. Wish I could bleed off the extra crap from childhood, but I don't know how. So I just make sure to feel what I'm feeling, not cover it up, and don't do anything stupid. Sorry this is going to be one humongous paragraph, but it seems my "enter" button isn't working on my old laptop. Today was also the block party that wasn't. When Tom and I talked in the beginning of the month we rescheduled it for today. Only when I went to contact him this morning he just finished his colonoscopy. He didn't know anything about the party. After I had already contacted everyone about it I felt like a ripe jerk. However no one came looking for me to find out what was happening so maybe everyone missed the memo, but me.

One Down, One to Go

I was not looking forward to pizza tonight and it didn't disappoint me. It was a crap night, but at least I got some pizza stories. The first is that as you might not know. As the pizza man I'm right there with Santa Claus. Kids go nuts when I come to the door. However tonight they were beat hands down by a dog at this one house. He was jumping at the window, jumping at the door. I'm not talking of bouncing. He was leaving the ground by at least a foot. I thought they were going to have to tranquilize him to open the door. Instead they put him in the garage.

Now hopefully we've all paid for a meal at a restaurant with a credit card. You know there is a line for the tip. We'll we have that also. This can be problematic since many people I deliver to can't do math to save their lives and I'm depending on their math skills to get a tip. Now you might think hey they'll make a mistake and tip big. Not on your life. They use REALLY small numbers then or just stiff to make it easier. Usually you can tell by how long they are taking if they are going to tip. Unless you get one of these cheap jerk wads who take forever to fill it out to stiff you. Their actually going over it a bunch of times so that their is NO mistake that you're getting NOTHING. Choke on the crust you cheap bastards.

As always I have to save the best for last. I'm driving to a church to deliver pizzas. I'm sitting at the light and I can see the word "Satan" in big letters on this person's trunk up ahead. Now I'm intrigued. I know I live in the Bible belt, but I rarely see Satan in big letters on any one's car. So I want to know what it fully says. With some maneuvering I get a clear look. "All women are Satan!" I LMAO. This guy must of had some divorce.

I tell you I'm already deleting what I have learned here. My first order I was like where is this road. Someplace I've been many times before.

The Word is Given

Patients keep referring patients. It's weird to have them come in and say you've been highly recommended. Wow who knew? So with the office going for a record week I went into pizza tonight and gave my notice that next Friday would be my last night. My manager was like usually you give 2 weeks notice. In my head this is 2 weeks. Wednesday starts my week and Friday ends it. If it really is a problem you can fire me now so I don't have to come back. However that didn't work.

So I picked up some pine garland, ornament, and dug out a string of lights to decorate my room. The one foot tree wasn't doing it for me. I need lights. I love sitting in the dark looking at them with the Christmas music on. Tomorrow I'll need to burn a Holiday music CD since all my music is in the office.

Well Aroma girl must have the card by now. I'm working on not having any expectations. Although a good breeze would quickly get a fire going. So I'm trying to keep my mind open.

Oh yeah I have one good pizza story for you. I'm inside and Car girl comes in with this large bag of trash. You know the ones that they use for a McDonalds garbage can. It's full! I ask her if that's from her car and she says yes. She has a tiny freakin' car. How can you sit in such filth. It reminds me of the time I hopped in the back of my friend Dan's car. You couldn't touch the floor for the amount of trash on it. I kid you not. It had a cup of half eaten ice cream sitting there on the floor. I feel bad when I have crumbs in my car. And yes I have seen Dan's bathroom and yes his toilet needs to be shaved.

Oh Momma!!!

The day started great with the Seamstress giving me back my leather jacket. All fixed. I was so glad to have saved the jacket at some one's suggestion. It was so nice to slip on. It's soft and just fits like an old comfortable shoe.

The rest of the day was just busy, busy, busy with a side of a lecture tossed in there at a senior apartments. Not my favorite target audience for money, but I do enjoy lecturing to them. They were very nice to say I was knowledgeable and humble doctor. So by the time the day ended I was like "that's it!" Tomorrow when I go to pizza I'm telling my manager next Friday is my last day. I can't do this anymore. Damaged my car last Wednesday, twisted my ankle Friday, and I just plain don't want to do it anymore. The other side is a second job has allowed me to live these last 3 years. However in a way it has also held me back. I just have to remember I can always go back if it gets tight again. Hopefully it won't, but I have to make sure I don't think so black & white. It will be a Christmas present to myself.

Salsa was real fun tonight. My official class ends next week then the second session starts next month. It's been a real learning experience. The little nuances have made a world of difference. So that the little I have done in the class is really good and then the other stuff I learn n the clubs I can still do for fun until we get to it in class.

I'm a Bad Boy

Well I slept in this morning and through the mandatory pizza meeting. No loss, but I'm the consummate good guy so it bugs me. I did something bad, oh my! It just kicks up a lot of stuff that I still deal with. How I am defined as a person, what others think, the usual crap. Like always the more I talk about it the better I am. Keep it in my head and I'm dead.

This is a present from the florist from across the hall for my help in trying to get them established. Very simple, but very beautiful. Too bad it won't last.

Wow I don't have pizza to Wednesday, what will I do? LOL. I'm going to enjoy. After my patients today I want to try to find a used filing cabinet since mine are filling up with all the new patients. I would like to go and see the Christmas lights down on the boardwalk, but it's something I wouldn't do on my own. I'll see if Spa girl or someone else would like to go.

The Mandatory Pizza Experience

For a few weeks now I've been dreading this 9 am mandatory pizza meeting. However to get everyone in one place so early on Saturday I figured it would have to be something important or at least give out holiday bonuses. So I asked tonight what it was about. I couldn't believe the answer. So I had to ask several times to make sure they weren't pulling my leg. It's a bitching session. So everyone can clean the air. WTF! You make me come to a meeting at 9 am on a Saturday I'll have plenty to bitch about. Besides that I haven't anything to say and really don't want to hear all the teenagers bitch. My other option is to get written up. Since it not my life long dream to be a manager or do this job for more than the next 30-60 days that really doesn't mean much to me. The only thing that it does touch is that I'm being a rule breaker and I'm usually the nice guy. This goes against my grain, but so does subjecting myself to a LOAD of crap for who knows how long it will go on. So I'm getting some sleep in the morning.

On the Spa girl debate. I know I'm holding a hammer, I'm going to smash my thumb, and its going to hurt. I just don't know when I'm going to do it. I know the longer it goes on the better the chance that it won't.

Wednesday Hijinxs

Spa girl stopped by the office today. She's been out sick for the last 4 days and she still looked under the weather. I gave her some treatment to help her out. One thing I have found out over the years with working on people is that you know how a woman will be in bed when you work on her muscles. Does she like it soft or hard? Is she silent or a moaner? All this stuff comes out. Now back to Spa girl. I can't determine if she is being manipulative or struggling with this friendship. Cause when she got up she gave me a full body hug. Meanwhile all I have running through my head is Annie's comment and I'll paraphrase. "All I need to do is fuck her to have all the chaos back in my life." I really wasn't caring, but at least I kept it playing in my head.

I ran to get some lunch after she left to let the blood return to my brain. The I headed over to the spa since she has been wanting to wax me for a while now. I have to admit I have a bit of a uni-brow with the Italian in me as well my hair line goes to my eyes. I've just gotten use to it. All I could think about when she was going to do it was the scene for the 40 Year Old Virgin. a) Holy Shit that hurt like hell. b) Now I know why Steve Carrell cursed his head off c) How you women do a bikini is beyond me (although Spa girl said the first time is the hardest). In the beginning I didn't see the difference, but now I do and like she said it did open up my eyes. Who knew?

Pizza tonight? Oh jeez. Make $20 in tips and do a thousand dollars worth of damage to my car. I was backing out of a long driveway and all of a sudden I heard something scrape and then my car stopped. I tried to pull forward and the car wheels just spun. So I figured I'd get out and see. My door didn't open. Okay this isn't looking good. Lowering my window I see I've hit a fire hydrant that is 15 feet from the street. I knew I got on so I could get off, but it took a while of finding the right place for my tires to catch the ground since it seemed that the wheel must have slipped off the driveway once I hit. Finally when I did get it off I looked at it. I scrapped and grooved the back door. The bottom corner of the front door I gouged. CRAP! I have to admit I was only sad with it. I didn't go nuts or wishful thinking which was good. My door still opens and the window works so I have a new feature to my car.

Pizza Stories and Other Weekend Stuff

Well tonight was the last night of doing pizza 4 nights a week. For now it will only be 2 until I can drop it all together. Something I am very happy about since I'm pretty much burned out on a second job. I've done it since I separated from my ex 3 1/2 years ago and I'm burnt and could really use a vacation.



Anyway for a last full weekend there really weren't many nutty stories, but tips were good. Let me see what was juicy. Well I had to deliver 47 pizzas the other night. My car was packed full with them. The heat that 47 pizzas can make is pretty incredible. Condensation covered the inside of my car. I had windows open with front and rear defrosters going.



I delivered another pizza to an apartment and the guy opened the door looked at the number then looked at me. It's a scene you never want to see when your delivering. I made sure the address was correct and the person was someplace in the apartment. It wasn't a big place. Jeez don't people know what's going on.



The last story I have is of Pecker head. Pecker head lives in a million dollar plus house. The decorations on Pecker head's front door would pay for a nice dinner for me. Well after I give him change back and he gives me actual change back. I'm walking back to the car when I realize Pecker head just gave me a $1 tip. I felt like going back and knocking on his door and giving it back to him. I mean all the decorations must have put him back some and he probably needs the money more than me. Cheap Pecker head.

I finally got to see Bat Boy the musical today. It was really well done and the person playing Bat Boy did a superb job. If it does play by you I urge you to see it.

I was very happy that Spa girl has a dog. We were talking today, going over our weekend. I mentioned that Port girl moved out finally. She's slept here maybe 10 times in the last year if that much. Anyway Spa girl was all over that since she wants to move out of her place to something at the beach. I jumped on the dog issue like a drowning man on a life preserver. There was no way I wanted her living next to me and the dog thing seemed like the best way to go.

Last but not least Walmart had the Soprano seasons for $20 which was a humongous bargain so I picked up 2 of them for myself for Christmas. Yes they get wrapped and put under my little 1 foot tree. Hey when your by yourself these are the things you do.

Thursday Thoughts

Well I grabbed a little blank card and left a note for Spa girl on her car (hope it's hers) saying that I had enjoyed yesterday and hoped she would be free Sunday. I guess the truly weird thing about this relationship is I feel myself going slow. I'm usually Mr. Head or Feet first so this is different and that always feels weird. Even my daily reading topic today was taking it slow. LOL I'm in tune with the world.

Other than that not much. I got screwed out of my fortune cookie from the Chinese place. I really wanted my cookie, but I don't want it enough to go back and get one. It's just easier to bitch for a little while.

I have to admit it was surprisingly easily do redeem all my Starbucks download cards. I didn't realize I had so much of a stack. Especially when one of the guys this morning gave me some of the extras they had.

Okay I'm officially tired of working 2 jobs. Not that I don't like pizza, but rest would be so nice as would a normal life. It's not changing anytime soon, but I'm feeling it.

The Sky is Falling

That's what happens when you live under oak trees when there is a wind storm. I was pleasantly surprised to make it into the house with not being hit as everything around me was being pummelled.

Bizarre night at pizza. I got to deliver 3 free pizzas. THREE. That means not tip plus I got stiffed twice so I was soo happy tonight. It seem to spread as on driver got fired and the new assistant manager was having a mental breakdown. It's funny, people want to be managers. The funnier thing is that they don't know manager is another name for babysitter. So when all the employees are throwing fits and tantrums they look so confused. Like I'm suppose to be making good money and running the store not dealing with every one's problems. ROFLMAO! I find this hilarious cause everyone always ask when am I going to hire staff. Well besides being the number one biggest expense, having staff is just another work for day care. I don't want to pay to take care of some one's kids. I've done it before with someone else's money and it was a big pain in the ass. I'll survive just fine on my own.

In talking with my brother today about out kids he stated it was unfair that our young kids have to worry about getting jumped so young. I had told him the story of Eric getting jumped. He told me about my niece Lucy who is 3 getting screamed at by another boy who threatened to spit on her. I don't think he has been in the loop for a while. I knew problems have been getting younger and younger. During the 90's it was down to kindergarten so I guess now it's in the preschools.

I was happy to hear that Eric had a fun Halloween. Although his friend got shaving creamed and another kid got hit by an egg. He asked me why kids did that and I didn't have an answer other than some kids like to hurt and scare others.

Grumble ... Grumble

Well it started as a nice day. A new patient on the books and a regular visit later in the day. I even got a call for another new patient on the way to work. Then it happens. The first new patient and the regular visit need to reschedule. The second is a no show. Day's over before it started. Oh well I have those phone calls to make.

Many people have asked who the people in the pics are from salsa. I was going to re post them, but for some reason they were .jpeg last night and today there .ART. I have no program to open the ART files for the blog. So if you do want to know who everyone is like the wild women, W-Salsa girl and the such just email me and I can send it to you.

A long time ago I had planned not to work Halloween at pizza for obvious reasons. However I took next Saturday off for a Halloween party that has now been cancelled. Well I was informed we don't have to wear our uniform then and we can dress up if we want to lower our chances of being pranked on. In some of the districts it's to prevent being jumped, shot at or pistol whipped.

The Hydrogen Droplets Continue

Three days of rain. Wow this is so weird. We haven't had more than a 5 minute down pour since the spring. So continuous rain is just so strange to see. It also makes delivering pizza a pain in the ass. Although I have to admit it only was pouring for one of my deliveries. The lady gave a nice tip. We also had 2 huge orders. One of 59 and the other of 37 pizzas. The store becomes a nightmare when this happens since it just destroys the natural flow and you just end up standing around while this one order gets made. The only other two incidents of the night were 1) the cheap fuck turd who wanted ALL of his change back. Hey pal let me leave your pizza in the middle of your lawn so you can come out here and get wet. 2) drove past L (I recognized her ass) and friend while they were walking their dogs. I know she was looking for my car since it has my office bumper sticker on it.

Ah Sweet Music

While I was working out at the gym today I was watching one of the many TV's. On one was Roy Williams. If you know who he is your one step better than me. All I know is that he is a professional athlete. Anyway for some reason he volunteered to work at Pizza Hut since he didn't realize you tip pizza delivery people. He though only waitresses and I forgot the other. Anyway it was great to hear him tell stories of delivering pizzas and getting stiffed. He was speechless he said when he gave some one their pizza and they closed the door on him. LMAO. It was funny to hear how angry he got since it happened several times. Welcome to the party pal. The good thing is that he'll always tip now.

I get asked this a lot. The average tip is $3-5. Anything less is considered cheap. Forget if you do under a dollar since that's just insulting. Over $5 and you will never be forgotten on any future orders.

The Weekend Wrap Up

I'm beat. The last 3 nights of pizza have been busy as hell. The oven kept hemorrhaging pizza's all night long. I couldn't even get out there when I was suppose to. However I did make some boku money which will help with bills plus I got a free Spiderman hat to match our new promotion. Yes free. I'm amazed as you are. I could actually wear it under normal circumstances. Having no time from getting up this afternoon to getting back to work to do laundry I had to use a college tick I heard of. I sprayed my shirt with Frebreeze. Worked really well. I was surprised. Guess all that money kids spend on beer in college is worth it to come up with an idea like this.

I was hoping to stop over where the Geisha works last night even though her second email was difficult to understand. However time did not allow it and she never responded to mine so I will just chalk it up. It was a fun couple of days to be attention of many women and as ACG said it lets me know I still got it.

I have to thank Steph for giving me a great new marketing idea for the office. Free consults for women in revealing shirts. Hell I can be magnanimous it could be a revealing dress or skirt too. Hell just show some skin and I'll be happy.

Well since all my prospects have dried up I think I'll stop by to see Spa girl. I was going to stop by last week, but everything else came up. No real rush as always.

That's What I'm Talking About

1:18 pm. Ah what a glorious time to get up after going to be at midnight the night before. To feel rested is a good thing. Also I don't have to work pizza for the next 4 nights. Wow that is going to be weird. Plus I need to budget my spending money until then.

Well the teenager pizza poll says I'm a hottie as was yelled out last night after I delivered to a slumber party. LOL. I have to agree with one of the other drivers. People who stiff need to be stabbed with a pen. "Madone de mia" I can scream when I plunge it into there arm. Oh by the way that is fuck you in Sicilian.

Other than that I'm going to take it easy today like yesterday. Do some writing and relax until I meet up with friends tonight for some comedy improv.

Shit & Pizza

It's been a long time since I've stepped in dog shit. Actually it's been so long I can't remember when the last time was. I know Eric has stepped in it a few times when we were all together since I was the one cleaning it. Anyway this topic comes up since I stepped in it tonight. When you do step in it its like a stink bomb went off. All the moist smelly stuff inside was just all squeezed out on the bottom of your shoe. Let me tell you it's even better when you have sneakers with all the little indentations. What truly sucked is I didn't really have anything to clean it with in my car. So I dragged my foot around as best I could to dislodge most of the crap (pun intended). Then when I got back to pizza I just hosed it down with cleaner and pried the shit out. Oh what fun work.

I was bummed that the sale sweatshirts were gone. I was handed the clothes sheet. I had my options of the sweatshirt, windbreaker, or parka. Parka? WTH? I'm not delivering pizza by dog sled in Nome Alaska. My manager is telling me how nice and warm it is. A) it's $55 B) it has the logo on it C) I'm not working here for the rest of my life. So I went with the sweatshirt and I'll put a thermal shirt on when it gets cold.

Being Me

Thanks Loving Annie and Bottle Blond for the just being human comments. I knew that to be true when I was sharing with my friend Paul this morning. I didn't feel like dealing, but I had patients to deal with. Years ago when I was married I would just push through since my ex would have problems if I wasn't up to snuff. Only could be one sick person in the house. Anyway in not being human I would really over draw myself in the emotional problem only to make things worse. So this morning was the situation again and for me to make a choice. I let myself be human and it all worked out. I can't say I was 100%, but by the time I was doing pizza I was happy. I did good by my patients and had even set up a really good marketing plan with members of my networking group. I'm still emotionally drained and tired. I truly can't believe I use to live this way 24/7 when I was married. Now I know why I have so much energy and am happier now. The biggest thing is I don't have any pain. It hurt so much to turn my neck Monday through Wednesday. To be pain free is so great.

Not too much exciting in pizza tonight. A lot of stiffs, found out my manager was in College Girls Gone Wild 2002, the prepares were discussing the pros and cons of ass sex, and I ordered $5 on sale sweatshirt from the company. Papa Johns employees can only wear there stuff. $5 sweatshirt beats the hell out of how much a freakin' jacket will cost. Since I'm not standing outside in the cold all night like valet I'll survive the quick run to people's doors.

Pizza Drama

Working with pizza means working with not the brightest crayons in the box. The pettiness, bickering, etc. is truly amazing. For me its just pizza. While we all have a screw loose somewhere Car Girl and Ark Man seem to create the most. Mostly since they try to sneak extra orders for more money. You never know what your going to get and it's not going to be more than $5. So your going to screw someone else over for $5? So anyway Car Girl got into a heated discussion with another driver and Ark man got pissed at me. Usually I go along with his plan since I'm easy going, but usually I end up getting screwed. So tonight I declined and I ended up getting the extra order than him. Oh boy did I hear it. He still wasn't talking to me when I left. All of this is like who the hell cares, but Ark man is a rager and after our little incident I could feel myself anxious. That switch that would start the old tapes playing was not thrown, but I could feel it wanting to. To start the whole chaos factor in my head. I've dealt with this kind of crap growing up and in my marriage. I've got enough experience to know what to do and I took care of myself. It was just weird to have it come up at pizza of all places.

So all this gave me plenty of time to come up with some new rules for ordering pizza. Now I know you would think it would be an easy thing, but let me tell you it's not.

1. Be home - do not call from someplace else and hope to be there first. Don't suddenly realize wait I just ordered a pizza and have no money and need to run to the bank. Lastly don't run out for anything until the pizza arrives.


2. Be dressed - unless your a hot looking women that we won't care. Put some clothes on. WTF? Does ordering a pizza make you really horny? Do you have to have sex with your SO at that moment? Can't you wait to beat the bishop until after the food arrives.


3. Listen for the doorbell - You've ordered food. Someone is going to deliver it to you. Maybe listening for a knock or your own doorbell so that you can actually get the food would be helpful. When the driver has to call to get you to open the damn door you should tip more.


4. Realize it's not free - when you pick up the phone a order a pizza the pizza fairy doesn't come a bring you your food. A driver with a screw loose does. Don't wait till you open the door to fully realize, "hey I have to pay for this" and "where the hell is my money?"


5. It is not the appropriate time to hand out religious material - yeah I know you're the new age Jehovah's witness. Getting people to actually come to your door and be a captive audience, but believe me pal the tip isn't worth what your handing out.