Going Sane in a Crazy World

My journey through life and the lessons I learn to help me grow spiritually.

Sane Friends

Stuck in the Past

I'm stuck in the past today and not liking it.  The Comic called me yesterday very upset that she was informed they were going to foreclose on her house.  She was very upset since she had been doing everything they wanted and paying the modified amount they agreed on.  However since it wasn't the full amount they are now informing her that she is way past due and will start proceedings.  

I'm a guy and I like to fix, but there is nothing for me to fix here.  Or better said I can't afford to fix it.  So I've been loving and supporting which is all I can do.  However I don't like being powerless.  I really don't.  What's really got me is that I shared with her how it was for me when I separated and divorced from my ex. How I lost everything and pointed out what few things I own.  Also how alone I felt.  It really dragged me back.   Like I'm feeling like I'm living that life again when I'm not.  I know I buried most of those feeling along the way since it was just too much to handle.  Now I've opened the door and they're all flying out.  So when I got up all anxious this morning I had to sit around and enjoy my place for awhile just to let it sink in that everything is okay.  I'm not back in that life 5-6 years ago.  However the ick remains.

Pushing the Limit

Someone attached a harness onto me today without me knowing and tossed me into the deep end.  It's all good stuff, but I have to admit it's been a day outside my comfort zone.  

It all started when I went to see OVDC and I told her that I would probably not be attending the seminar we talked about.  She was like you have to go.  I informed her with the extra taxes I had to pay and the Comic's engagement ring I was strapped.  The money may come in or may not for the due date.  She told me she would lend me the money which I found extremely nice.  However I find it hard to accept cause it pushes me into that area that I'm worth it which is hard for me at times.  It is funny that I really want to go to this seminar.  So I put it in my calendar and am doing everything like I'm going.  I never knew if I would be able to afford it or not.  Now this comes up.  Pretty interesting.

The next thing is that I've been back and forth with an attorney about being a witness for my patient.  He's been wanting me to do it with that patient paying me after since he doesn't put any money up front.  It's been difficult standing my ground with the same answer of not working for free.  Hey I'm a people pleaser.  Anyway he scrounged up money finally to offer me money to show up for an hour and be an expert.  I took it since I could use it.  Again it's a large amount so now I have to be comfortable with being worth it.  I'm having a hard time with it.  

This is all my usual core problems which hold me where I'm at.  Since I'm moving slow with it I see the universe has given me a big push.  

The last thing is I got quoted by my state association in our drive to get new members.  It's interesting to open the flier and see my quote there. 

Yin and Yang of Life

Talking to Eric the Friday night I found out that his cousin had died the day before.  He's about my age, but has been doing drugs and alcohol for longer than I ever knew him.  Eric didn't elaborate on his death and wanted to avoid the subject.  I had wanted to talk to him about other things besides school work, but this really through me.  Eric didn't need another death.  We talked a little while.  I'll give him a call tomorrow before he goes out for religious class just to see how he's doing.  At times I really feel like I'm losing my son, but it's just him growing up I believe.

On the other end of the spectrum I picked up the Comic's engagement ring yesterday.  I wasn't planning on it, but the owner of the place was saying how the economy was so bad and he cut me a lot of breaks.  So that's one less thing to worry about.  

I've been doing the P90x for the last 2 weeks.  I'm pretty much up to a full workout except with legs which was my weakest area so it's taking me time to catch up.  I'm not doing the full program since I'm trying to stay in shape.  I could care less about how I'll be in 90 days.  I think about how I'll be at 90 instead.  It's a great program that I enjoy, but you do need to ease into it unless you're really in great shape.  I got a chin up bar from Walmart and some Bodylastic bands and I'm good to go.  The Comic's enjoying the show.

Dates are Being Set

So the Comic and I pushed two events together last weekend and celebrated our 8 months together and Valentine's day.  We were going to try this Indian place, but decided to go back to the Thai restaurant that we went to on our second date.  

The Comic who had been bugging me to have, touch, or at least see her present was very happy to finally open the box. The funny thing is she picked the ring out months ago from the Bradford exchange.  I was very surprised to here it was her first Valentine's present.  So hey I was her first.  

Over the last few weeks we had talked a lot about our future and had checked out engagement and wedding rings on the net and in stores.  Boy are jewelry store people rude.  Anyway we decided that we would get engaged in the fall.  I would move in with her around the New Year and we would get married in the beginning of next year.  She's floating on Cloud 9 and I'm pleasantly happy.  I still have brakes on, but I know that's my natural state with things that I really want.  Especially since I'm the one picking these dates out.

Tomorrow will be Eric's 12th birthday and it will be the first time that I'm not visiting with him on it.  Wow it's a bit rough.  Not too bad since he decided on his own that he just wanted a normal school vacation.  I'll be talking with him tonight so I'll see how he is doing.  Also to see how he liked his presents. 

Step by Step

Well the phone call to my ex did work wonders.  She had thought Eric had been calling me.  The Comic called this BS since she had raised 3 kids and always knew when they called their dad.  I wouldn't put it pass my ex.  Anyway as usual she wanted to take care of it as quickly as possible which wasn't going to work for me.  Eric would be getting home after 4 and I was booked up till 6:30.  I didn't want to deal with this and go into treating patients.  I remember when I use to do this with me ex and it was never good for business.  So I took care of it when my day was finished.  

Eric thought he had called me was the way it started.  We talked for a while.  His gripe was that when I had the answering service he felt unimportant since he had to go through someone to get to me.  I understood his feeling even though the service had been gone for 4-5 months.  He hadn't been reading my letters since they are usually the same.  I told him since it was a letter it was a bit of a monologue especially since we hadn't been talking.  

My points to him were that he was important to me and that I pretty much know nothing about his life if he doesn't share with me.  That point seemed to stop him for a while.  So we decided on a weekly Thursday call which he said he wanted to be the one calling.

The other point of the conversation was that he wanted a break for his birthday from seeing me.  Wasn't happy about this since he had canceled the last visit.  I told him we would see about March.  I'll give him some latitude during the year, but during the summer it's going to be my decision if this continues.  

I think he is pushing after his grandfather's death to see if I'll stay there or just move on.  I did ask my ex how he was doing since he's been more distant with me since the death.  She said she couldn't tell what was that and what was from junior high which was hard on all the kids she was talking to.  

I know that it will be a day at a time with him.  Hopefully this will be a step in the right direction.  I did think I had more years before he started pulling away.  The realization that I've been apart for more years than we were together is starting to hit me hard.  As is the fact that he's growing up faster than I'm adapting. 

Yes it has comes to this

No one pushes my buttons like me ex.  This was pointed out by my friend Paul who told me he can always tell when I'm all wound up since all I keep repeating is, "you know". Plus the only person who could do that was my ex.  I tried stopping during the conversation and nearly had a stroke. 

I'm closing week number 5 without talking to Eric.  All my phone calls and text are met with silence.  My letter last week to him was just call me.  I tracked down the house phone number and called.  I left a message on their answering machine.  It wasn't on last night.  Tomorrow I'll up it to a certified return signature deal letter.  Next week it will be a call to the police to make sure they are okay.  

The major thing of all of this is how fast I'm transported back 7 years till when we were married and how I was then.  It's freaking amazing.  So I've been doing a lot of self talk to bring me back to the present day.  A friend suggested I start referring to my ex and my son's mother in an attempt to recategorize her in my mind.  Hey I'll try anything.

Wish me luck.

From the Belly of the Beast

It's been slow here around the office, although I don't seem to be sitting around that much.  I've been planning and implementing marketing for the next few months.  The most difficult thing is the pushing out to a further point than I'm use to.  I remember hearing a story of a young man who increased his sales by four fold.  However it was more than he was comfortable doing.  So when he reached what he was use to doing he would stop working and go and sit in his room with the blinds drawn.  I can relate since there are some days when I walk out of here feeling really uncomfortable.  However I'm trying to tell myself that its a good thing since I'm changing.  This is the point when I always drop back to where I was.  I've been over this ground so many times I know every blade of grass on it.  I tell you it's hard changing years of conditioning.

The Comic and I are coming up on 8 months now.  This being my longest relationship since my ex is getting a bit rough.  Not in a bad way.  Just I'm use to being by myself and doing things my way.  So I'm biting my tongue a lot since I know I don't know everything or the right way for everybody.  However it's a workout.  The Comic has been helping me with marketing.  She wishes she had my speed with the way I do things.  I can't watch her while she's working on my stuff since she does things VERY different than I would.  They work very well for her and I know what she does them, but I want to control when it's a new area.  It makes me feel comfortable.  However it's not the way of a healthy relationship.  So we end up laughing at each others ways.

I still haven't spoken to Eric all month which is the longest since my custody battle years ago.  I was going to call my ex when I realized when I loss a bunch of contacts 2 weeks ago, she was one of them.  This week's weekly letter will be a bit more strongly written for him to call me.  I have a feeling this doesn't bode well.

Mental Health Day

 Well after 7 years of being in business I took a mental health day off.   Over the years I've come in late or left early to relax.  I've taken time off to go see Eric or take care of divorce crap.  However never in those years have I scheduled a day off just for me.  It's part of my taking better care of myself plan.  I have to admit it was nice and I'll schedule one a month.  However next month is a bit tricky since I still have no idea when Eric is celebrating his birthday so I can plan my trip.

Anyway I slept to normal time yesterday which is the norm for me.  I don't even need to set my alarm clock anymore.  I got to blast a lot of music which I haven't done in a while, go to the gym, clean my room up, hit the library, and relax at Barnes and Noble.  All things I haven't done in a while.  It was nice and relaxing. 

Yesterday was also 7 months for me and the Comic.  We went out to dinner to celebrate, but I had to bring her back home after wards since she has been sick for the last week.  However it was nice to spend some time with her.  

Between you, me, and a light post I've started and engagement ring fund.  Hopefully everything will continue to go great.  I'm not buying anything yet, but I never have a large sum of money burning a hole in any part of me.  So if I can stash some money in an envelope every week it will make it much less problematic if I decide to propose to the Comic.  We talk about our future pretty regularly with all aspects covered.  I have to admit I'm very happy.  This is all virgin territory for me.  The only other person I ventured this far was my ex and I was having problems with her already.  So to be happy and smooth sailing is great.  Our biggest attribute so far is our ability to talk everything out when anything has come up.

I did stop by my Mom's old place a few weeks ago. I'm rarely in the area and we happened to be there and I asked the Comic is she minded.  I was feeling a bit emotional and felt the need to stop by.  When I cleaned my Mom's place out it was done in under 30 minutes and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to say goodbye.  I felt the need to fall apart, but I didn't since that can be hard for me to do.  However I was glad I did it.

A Christmas Story

Boy this is like exercising.  You stop for a little while and forget about picking it back up again.  I just downloaded the ability to blog from my phone so I can do it when I'm sitting someplace.

Christmas was a bit of a workout.  Mostly since I have a hard time looking forward to things that are very important to me.  The Comic being one of them.  So while she was jumping all over the place in excitement I was pretty stoic about the whole thing.  Although I started to get a mild case of excitement as the festive day approached.  

It was nice to spend a holiday with someone I loved and cared about again.  Besides spending last year with Asp for the evening before she flew to see her parents it's been a while.  While Asp and I were never emotionally connected it was someone.  However comparing this year and last is like comparing apples and lizards.  So it was a Christmas to spend with someone which hasn't happened since 2003.  Yes it's been a long time and no Starbucks on the holiday.

Both the Comic and I enjoyed the presents we gave each other.  She was very thankful for all the help with Christmas especially being the first without her father.  It was my first one without my Mom, but that barely registered for me.  I talked to my brother and SIL on Christmas and the Comic could see what I always talk about with their machine gun questions that leave me with nothing to ask.  

Eric and I have been talking better on the phone which I've enjoyed.  He is changing and I'll have to change with him.

We had the third heaviest snow here in recorded history.  It made for a white Christmas which is was nice.  I wasn't happy about having to close the office for a day.  You can easily tell who's from here and who is not.  I was like let's go out while the Comic was like we're stuck inside.  It's become a joke of me saying, "I'm from NY."

I have to admit the holiday really brought us closer together. 

When Life Resembles Art

Over the last few weeks I've been using my free time in the car to listen to education sales CD's to help sharpen my game.  I use to save this for my trips to see Eric, but since that didn't happen this time and I'm in the car at least 20 minutes a day I can get through a series in a few weeks.  I learn a lot and it keeps me in a good frame of mind.  

An interesting story on my present series talked about how when you move from one level in your life and move to a higher one ie. better job, more money, etc.  It will make you uncomfortable until you get use to it.  Depending on how big the change will dictate how much discomfort you will experience.  The author's story was about a twenty something farmer who became a sales person. He was making 2 sales a week and making $2000 commission for the sales.  After making the second sale he would go home, draw all the curtains and crawl into a fetal position in his bed.  Getting that much money was too much for him.

In the last 2 months I've gotten the office busier and I've made more money.  Great.  However like I learned from this CD if you are not use to the extra money you will get rid of it in some shape or form.  I spent it on upgrades for the office, some DVD's for me, and dinners out with the Comic.  Now I look at all the money I earned and wonder where it went.  Lesson learned on that area.

The second area is I can get pessimistic when the office doesn't respond the way I want it to.  The Comic is good in helping me see all the positive stuff so I can build myself back up.  I have to admit she did a really good job last night.  Since then I've been torturing myself with every single bill and debt I owe.  Nothing has changed in the last 24 hours.  I'm just having a hard time getting comfortable in a better place.  

I remember when I didn't have all that chaos in my life after divorce.  It felt so strange and I was almost looking for stuff to be back in that pressure just because I was use to it.  The mind is a strange thing, but I do tell my patients that anything done for 2 weeks the body starts to believe is normal.  

"The only person who likes change is the one with the wet diaper."
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