Public Service Announcement

A note to all patients. If you hurt yourself doing an activity that causes excruciating pain then continue doing the activity in pain for 3 more days until you can't walk. Please don't crawl into my office expecting it all to go away in a few minutes. I'm just saying.

Having become more conscious of my thought patterns in meeting women I had a better time yesterday. I still had to stop myself from asking anyone out, but I didn't get squirrelly which was an improvement. Actually the woman in Starbucks I was able to mirror for a while during our conversation. The few things I've learned to connect with people faster seems to work well.

I texted my ex the other day to see how her dad is doing, but I didn't hear anything back. I'll try again today, but after that I'll let it lie. My brother and family will be here for a few days this week. It'll be nice to see them. I moved my normal hike with L to Wednesday so I could have Thursday night with them. This is going to be a week of busy evenings.

Facebook Friends

I'm a pretty open person as you probably already know. However as the Dancer situation was coming to a close I made my Facebook profile private and eyes only to my friends. She was pretty obsessed with me and her having any connection to me would only keep the fires going. Anyway tonight I got 2 request from friends from when I was married. They were actually the 2 people that got my ex and myself together. The wife was a friend of my ex and I knew the husband. I never really enjoyed there company. So I was happy I was already private when I got there requests. I know the wife is a very nosey body and her husband just goes along with what he's told. Another one of those married friends had sent me an email just asking how I was many moons ago. I responded with a quick response once I knew who it was.

I find it funny sometimes how I'm very trusting with most people, but once that is gone forget about it. That's where I stand with these people. They're my ex's friends. I have no want to have contact with them. I didn't really want to have the contact when I was married, forget it now.

0 - 3

I got a lot of answers yesterday. While at the health fair yesterday there was a children's display and I picked up a bunch of stuff for my new moms in the office. One of the themes was that what you teach a child from 0 - 3 is what will be the most important to them their entire lives. It made sense to me and the reason Eric is so bonded to me. When he was young I taught him how to use utensils, write, climb, etc. I'd get him ready in the morning and bathe and get him ready for sleep at night. I was the one that took care of him through out the night when he needed someone. I was there for a lot of the important stuff and I see it continuing now even though we are far away by what he ask me for help with.

I spent a lot of time last night thinking about this thing with women being attracted to me and why it screws with my head. I came full circle with it when I remembered the 0 -3 thing. I can remember as far back as age 2. All my memories of my early childhood are of me being alone. It truly was lord of the flies lifestyle for me. I remember being in therapy one day talking to my therapist about this. I was alone. I had free run of a very large house, but I can't believe someone wasn't someplace in the house. My therapist said it didn't matter. My perception was that I was alone and that was my reality back then. What this sparked in me is that I never felt wanted by my father, mother, and brother. Those first 3 years were insane years in the family. My Dad kicked us out of the house after a few year brutal marriage. He was a person I never bonded to in my life. My parents ended up getting divorced, however for most of my early childhood my Mom was trying to get back together with him. Those early years we were dirt poor and food was never a guarantee, we lived in a home on the water with no insulation for those cold New York winters. I know my Mom, when things are "normal" she can make rational decisions, but when things are stressed she's a nutty a fruit cake. At the time my brother was finishing high school, doing drugs, stealing, and getting over my father's abuse of him. I was not a priority to these people and that has followed me my entire life. That I was not wanted and I therefore have no worth.

So when a woman shows interest to me, I'm seeing myself as a drowning man and some one's throwing me a life preserver. I'm just all over it like white on rice and I don't like reacting like some Pavlovian dog. I'm excited that women want me, but I would like to have control over my reactions.

Doctor My Eyes

I can tell what my lesson for the week is. Tonight was game night with the singles and it was a lot of fun. During a lull I went up to get something to eat. Standing on line I noticed an attractive Asian girl come in. I know she's standing behind me and I can tell she wants me to look at her. Since I'm not wanting to date right now I don't look. However the cashier is taking forever and I end up turning to look at her. I didn't realize how close she was standing to me. She had her head tilted with a great smile on her face. I just smiled and went back to waiting. I knew if I engaged her in conversation I would ask her out. I know myself. As soon as the switch is thrown in my head, the machine is running, and I'm in dating mode. So the only way I know how to get out of that mode is not to engage. However I find it really hard to let go of a woman that is interested in me and I like too.

When I was married and it happened, and I was surprised how often it did happen, I was better able to handle it. However it still use to leave me a little crazy in my head. This reminds me of something my therapist said. When someone likes you (me) I have to accept something good about me. I grew up a very shy kid and while some women were attracted to me I had a hard time connecting with them. Now in another life I know how to interact and connect with people, but the attention still is new to me. I get a rush from it and I still don't know how to handle it. I can't believe I'm a forty something guy and I'm still dealing with how to handle that Sally likes me in study hall. Intellectually I know I've matured and caught up in my emotional maturity over the last 9 years. However I've only dated in the last 3-4 years truly. Pre marriage I'm not even going to count. So even with about 70 women dated in that time I'm still learning. I just hate being in freakin' kindergarten with this stuff. However I know I would never expect Eric to instinctually to know this stuff, but I do know I hold myself to a lot stricter standard. That was always my therapist's way of getting me to be more gentle with myself. Putting myself in Eric's shoes instead of my own.

A Busy, Busy Day

Oh well it wasn't meant to be. I still have this months payment for my Mom. I'm happy that extra stimulus money is making it into my Mom's account, but I wish I could use it for this month's payment instead of the at the end which I'm grateful will be in September.

I'm tired today. I got up early for some reason. Not quite sure if it's worrying about money or because the Landlord was up early. Anyway it's a busy, busy day. Because of the money thing I agreed to come in early to squeeze in a patient before I run to a health fair for most of the day. Since I didn't get a chance to go to the gym yesterday like I usually do I'll do it after the fair. Then it's off to hang with the singles for game night. Surprisingly enough Tango girl is coming. Why I mention this is that I'm still not use to women being interested in me so I still get a little screwy in my own head with it. While Tango girl has her head on straight as far as I can tell, it can be a problem with someone like Asp. I reflexively start flirting and going down the path of asking them out in my head when I know it's not a good thing. I'm trying to get a better handle on it.

I tell you I'm still working on the puzzle from hell. I need to take a picture for you all. Why is it the puzzle from hell you ask? Well I'll tell you. Too many pieces fit together when they shouldn't. I was pretty ecstatic last night when I got some nice size pieces to fit together last night. Only to realize about 30 minutes later that they don't go together at all. Yes sometimes being color blind is a bitch. Also I'm still not completely sure that all the pieces are in the box. Hey it was 58 cents so I shouldn't be complaining, but it's a lot of work. I would like to say why the hell did I ever start this, but I have to admit I'm pretty freakin' hooked on finishing the bastard.

Oye!!!

It's been a while since I've had my emotions run through their full range in under a minute. I stopped by to see my Mom today. My other plan was to pay my monthly bill there. I knew she has extra money in her account so I was going to transfer it out and pay what's left. Over the months I knew she should have gotten some stimulus checks. Anyway the biller was like you have over $500 in the account so you don't have to pay this month. I was ecstatic since then I could get into the green a lot faster this month without this payment. However a few seconds later she was like whoops that's a mistake. SHIT!!! The good thing is in the 10 minutes I was there she couldn't explain away the extra money in the account. So I'm asking for a prayer that all the extra money is correct. Thank you.

You Think I'm Cute

Well I have to admit I was surprised that my crazy chick spell dissipated while hiking with L. She didn't know about it, but my head cleared so I was happy. I think pheromones must be in the air or something since a bunch of women were looking at me at the beach which is something I'm not use to. I have to admit most of them were a little younger than I would like to date, but some were my age.

It's going to be a very cheap weekend. I need to pay off one more big bill tomorrow. I hate to say it all comes down to how things are put in the bank which means I'm going to get screwed. Hopefully not though.

Tonight it's off to see J Medicine Hat at the Funny Bone with the singles. The last time I saw him I was there with Happy girl and she was a volunteer. It was very interesting. This time I think it'll be a little more normal.

Crazy Hot Chicks

The two weeks between school being out and the Fourth of July have left my bank account empty since the office has been slow. So I'm scraping money together to pay bills and that always create anxiety in me. At these low moments I'm always the most susceptible to hot crazy chicks. Enter the Destroyer. I had my business meeting this morning and she was there in a little outfit, lots of skin. Yeah my crazy radar went off, but I'm having a hard time getting her out of my mind. I've had to stop myself from thinking of reasons to call her. Oye.

On other fronts Tango girl who I do like has been asking me on Facebook what I like to do in my spare time. I'm not use to be asked that out of the blue although I have to admit that I've been catching more women looking at me lately.

The 6th of July

For some ungodly reason my high speed Internet is on the fritz today. While I took care of some thing at the office on dial up, most of my office stuff needs a bit faster speed. This is interesting since at home all I have is dial up and I'm perfectly happy. I guess I'm not use to having any restrictions at work. It hasn't been to bad for a Monday at the office. Hopefully it will continue through the week since I need money to pay bills this week.

I continued my world domination of the neighborhood today by dropping off free treatment coupons for the firefighters and EMTs across the street from the office. I haven't done it in a few years. I've never gotten anyone from it, but hey it's a nice way to say thanks. I think the coffee shop around the block is next on my list.

My ex texted my last night to say that her dad still wasn't doing to well. A strange notion hit me afterwards. Her dad has been sick for a while and slowly deteriorating. I started wondering I'm the backup plan. My ex always needs someone to take care of her and there is no one else. Eric still needs at least another 10 years to fill those shoes. So I wouldn't put it past her to be scoping out her next victim and since I'm the only victim around it could be me. Hey this is my conjecture, but I know how she works and believe me this isn't to far fetched.

On my side of the street it's no fucking way. Besides being poor I'm very happy in my life. I'm doing things that I never thought I would do and pushing the envelope in many parts of my life with work and personal life. In part I'm happy to say that I'm making the same amount of money as last year, but I really need more to prosper. Although I am making do with less this year since I'm paying many extra bills off.

I'm hoping for a big push this month. I put out a lot of stuff in the local newsletters to hopefully get my Medicare population up. Not that they are money makers, but they do nicely filling in all the empty space. The rest is getting coupons all over the place in the neighborhood. I'm shooting for being everywhere.

Light and Dark

It was a good day of getting back to my normal routine. I hit the office to treat a patient and to see if anyone else needed treatment on this holiday. It also allowed me to catch up on all my emails in my box that weren't kid friendly.

I was meeting L for an afternoon hike so I grabbed some lunch before hand. I'm sick of fast food for a while, at least hamburgers. Eric loves Hardees and since they don't have them in NY I try to appease his desire for them. However 6 days of the stuff has burned me out on red meat.

This was the first time I've hiked on the beach on the weekend and a holiday at that. It was a bit surreal since it was packed and not the usual emptiness that I'm use to. However there was a nice open stretch of sand unoccupied near the water for us to walk on, so it really panned out for us. Since the water is so calm as its the bay and it's a neighborhood beach, they take advantage of it. Tents were all over the place. Huge inflatables were every where.

I wasn't going to do anything for the Fourth since I'm not a big fan of it, but L didn't want to go out an party with friends so she asked if I wanted to go down to the beach to watch the show.

So after a few errands and a nap I headed on back there to see the show. Actually the area doesn't have a show, but both neighborhoods on either side do. However the beach is usually packed with people drinking and shooting off fireworks. The place becomes a mess. So this year the police really cracked down on it and did a pretty good job. People still shot off fireworks when they weren't looking, but not much happened. Although one idiots fireworks did start a fire on someone lawn. They got it out pretty quickly, but let me tell you there were some pretty high flames there. Afterwards we grabbed a drink and relaxed before heading our separate ways.