Stuck in the Past

I'm stuck in the past today and not liking it.  The Comic called me yesterday very upset that she was informed they were going to foreclose on her house.  She was very upset since she had been doing everything they wanted and paying the modified amount they agreed on.  However since it wasn't the full amount they are now informing her that she is way past due and will start proceedings.  

I'm a guy and I like to fix, but there is nothing for me to fix here.  Or better said I can't afford to fix it.  So I've been loving and supporting which is all I can do.  However I don't like being powerless.  I really don't.  What's really got me is that I shared with her how it was for me when I separated and divorced from my ex. How I lost everything and pointed out what few things I own.  Also how alone I felt.  It really dragged me back.   Like I'm feeling like I'm living that life again when I'm not.  I know I buried most of those feeling along the way since it was just too much to handle.  Now I've opened the door and they're all flying out.  So when I got up all anxious this morning I had to sit around and enjoy my place for awhile just to let it sink in that everything is okay.  I'm not back in that life 5-6 years ago.  However the ick remains.

Yes it has comes to this

No one pushes my buttons like me ex.  This was pointed out by my friend Paul who told me he can always tell when I'm all wound up since all I keep repeating is, "you know". Plus the only person who could do that was my ex.  I tried stopping during the conversation and nearly had a stroke. 

I'm closing week number 5 without talking to Eric.  All my phone calls and text are met with silence.  My letter last week to him was just call me.  I tracked down the house phone number and called.  I left a message on their answering machine.  It wasn't on last night.  Tomorrow I'll up it to a certified return signature deal letter.  Next week it will be a call to the police to make sure they are okay.  

The major thing of all of this is how fast I'm transported back 7 years till when we were married and how I was then.  It's freaking amazing.  So I've been doing a lot of self talk to bring me back to the present day.  A friend suggested I start referring to my ex and my son's mother in an attempt to recategorize her in my mind.  Hey I'll try anything.

Wish me luck.

From the Belly of the Beast

It's been slow here around the office, although I don't seem to be sitting around that much.  I've been planning and implementing marketing for the next few months.  The most difficult thing is the pushing out to a further point than I'm use to.  I remember hearing a story of a young man who increased his sales by four fold.  However it was more than he was comfortable doing.  So when he reached what he was use to doing he would stop working and go and sit in his room with the blinds drawn.  I can relate since there are some days when I walk out of here feeling really uncomfortable.  However I'm trying to tell myself that its a good thing since I'm changing.  This is the point when I always drop back to where I was.  I've been over this ground so many times I know every blade of grass on it.  I tell you it's hard changing years of conditioning.

The Comic and I are coming up on 8 months now.  This being my longest relationship since my ex is getting a bit rough.  Not in a bad way.  Just I'm use to being by myself and doing things my way.  So I'm biting my tongue a lot since I know I don't know everything or the right way for everybody.  However it's a workout.  The Comic has been helping me with marketing.  She wishes she had my speed with the way I do things.  I can't watch her while she's working on my stuff since she does things VERY different than I would.  They work very well for her and I know what she does them, but I want to control when it's a new area.  It makes me feel comfortable.  However it's not the way of a healthy relationship.  So we end up laughing at each others ways.

I still haven't spoken to Eric all month which is the longest since my custody battle years ago.  I was going to call my ex when I realized when I loss a bunch of contacts 2 weeks ago, she was one of them.  This week's weekly letter will be a bit more strongly written for him to call me.  I have a feeling this doesn't bode well.

When Life Resembles Art

Over the last few weeks I've been using my free time in the car to listen to education sales CD's to help sharpen my game.  I use to save this for my trips to see Eric, but since that didn't happen this time and I'm in the car at least 20 minutes a day I can get through a series in a few weeks.  I learn a lot and it keeps me in a good frame of mind.  

An interesting story on my present series talked about how when you move from one level in your life and move to a higher one ie. better job, more money, etc.  It will make you uncomfortable until you get use to it.  Depending on how big the change will dictate how much discomfort you will experience.  The author's story was about a twenty something farmer who became a sales person. He was making 2 sales a week and making $2000 commission for the sales.  After making the second sale he would go home, draw all the curtains and crawl into a fetal position in his bed.  Getting that much money was too much for him.

In the last 2 months I've gotten the office busier and I've made more money.  Great.  However like I learned from this CD if you are not use to the extra money you will get rid of it in some shape or form.  I spent it on upgrades for the office, some DVD's for me, and dinners out with the Comic.  Now I look at all the money I earned and wonder where it went.  Lesson learned on that area.

The second area is I can get pessimistic when the office doesn't respond the way I want it to.  The Comic is good in helping me see all the positive stuff so I can build myself back up.  I have to admit she did a really good job last night.  Since then I've been torturing myself with every single bill and debt I owe.  Nothing has changed in the last 24 hours.  I'm just having a hard time getting comfortable in a better place.  

I remember when I didn't have all that chaos in my life after divorce.  It felt so strange and I was almost looking for stuff to be back in that pressure just because I was use to it.  The mind is a strange thing, but I do tell my patients that anything done for 2 weeks the body starts to believe is normal.  

"The only person who likes change is the one with the wet diaper."

Writing With Traction

I see I'm getting to blogging one a week now.  How times have changed.  Happy to say I'm busier now and that I don't have time to blog.  While there are many times during the week that something comes up that I would normally blog about has gotten pushed aside to do work.  It's something I'm grateful for since I'm meeting my weekly goals that I've set for myself.  Still stuck in a 30 day cycle, but I'm stretching myself as best as I can to get to a 6 month and then 1 year list of goals.  My true goal is a 5 year plan, but since I've been formally writing my goals down again only 2-3 weeks now I'm not expecting miracles.

The Comic and I are still doing wonderfully.  Our ability to talk through any situation that has come up between us has been our best quality.  I did talk to her this week about cutting back our dining out since it's busting my budget.  It was a big thing for me since bringing something up like this in my past always meant problems.  However it went over well and we set about shopping together so we can cook together when we see each other.  I knew ahead of time that it would be no problem, yet it caused all kinds of anxiety.  It will take many times of this happening in a positive manner for me to have the faith that it will all work out.

My birthday last week turned out great and I really enjoyed my presents from the Comic who has helped me pick up my long lost hobby of modeling and painting.  Once the New Year passes I'll pick up some paints to start painting the figures that she bought me.

The holidays are in full swing for us.  We will be stopping at her mom's tomorrow to decorate the house.  She helped me decorate my room last weekend and it looks great.  All my presents are bought and wrapped.  I'll mail out Eric's stuff Monday so I can avoid most of the holiday rush.  

The funny thing on gift giving is that the Comic wanted this nice ring she had seen.  I told her I would get it for her for Valentine's day.  It arrived yesterday.  I've bought a lot o jewelry over the years especially having worked in the jewelry industry.  This is the second ring I've ever bought.  The first was my ex's engagement ring.  So holding this one brought up some feelings.  Nothing bad though.

At present I'm happy to see my life improving faster than it has in a while.  Having the Comic in my life has helped me want to achieve more which is something big for me.  I've never been able to find many things to inspire me to shoot for higher goals on a consistent basis.  It's been nice and a bit scary to be focused and wanting better for myself.  It's been about 3 months and counting now.  I've got traction under my feet and with that I can achieve a lot.   

Knee Deep in a Relationship

Being knee deep in a relationship is a work out let me tell you.  I talked to the Comic about how I was feeling and it went over well.  She explained how much I do mean to her which made me cry.  I did talk to her about seeing her niece any other day would not have been a problem.  However she had made it out to be such a special day for me and then to drop it as soon as someone else came into town bothered me.  What I did say was the example of me sharing the holiday with her yesterday and how much she had been looking forward to it.  Then me saying Wednesday that a friend had come into town and I would just stop over for dessert in the evening.  She got the point there.  The other thing that I explained to her was that while all her words were really nice that actions like these negated them.  

So today I'm working half a day.  The Comic was going to come into the office to help with decorations and with my calendars which she really wanted to do.  After which we are going to see Harry Potter.  This morning she wanted to sleep in which was no problem, but when it was 11:30 and I hadn't heard a response from my text I was getting a bit upset.  For me I don't care if you want to do something or not, however if you say you are going to do it.  I do expect that it happens.  

So I'm trying to drop the fantasy that I'm going to see Harry Potter by myself.  I will do it if I don't hear from her since I don't give up my happiness for anyone. However I do want to be able to detach without any fuck you.  I did the decorations already and will start on the calendars in a few.

I will say it was rough for me opening presents this morning.  It really hasn't happen for me in many years so I'm a bit cool with it.  Mostly it reminds me of how much I've missed over the years and the overflow of emotions this year.  It's hard leaving the edge of the pool to venture into the deep end to get the full experience.  I'm doing it inch by inch and hour by hour, but I will tell you this is a lot of work.  I'm enjoying it all, but I haven't had to work this hard in years.

Band of the Hand

I walked out to my car this morning to find a plastic wrapped envelope stuck to my car.  The contents of it made me cry.  It was a hand made card from the Comic celebrating our 5th month together.  I forget sometimes that she has the art degree.  It was very touching and very nice to have someone do something so sweet for me.  It's been a long time.  

5 months is a record for me in the dating world post divorce.  6 is the Comic's limit.  So we're doing very well and breaking new territory all the time.  We both really care about each other which is great.

I did have my first serious talk with her about something that was bothering me.  I had held off most of the week since the Comic had the flu and I knew it wasn't that appropriate to talk about.  

The Comic had went to visit her niece again last week and came back to me Friday.  This time she was in worse shape than she was last time she went.  It was so bad that she emotionally vomited all over me.  It wasn't pretty.  Something like that hadn't happened to me in a long time and I reflexively shut down to it.  That night was the first time I ever thought seriously that the Comic may not be for me.  However sunrise the next day brought everything back to normal.  

Over the next few days I kept having these little fantasy daydreams of trying to get control with that situation with her niece.  It was always fleeting so I didn't think much of it.  However Monday I stopped myself and looked at it.  Realizing that I felt abused with the emotional vomiting, I was trying to stop being a victim in my head.  

Now talking about a problem is always huge for me.  It never went well for most of my life. Not with my family and definitely not with my wife.  So it was anxiety laden to say the least.  I'm happy to say it went over well.  The Comic apologized for it and we were able to talk everything out in a healthy way that hasn't happened in a relationship before.  

Optimism

I talk to the Comic a lot about her scale for knowing when to be hungry is way off.  Because of that her decisions and beliefs are illogical.  In my journey to be more optimistic I'm finding that I'm the same way.  I have what I want the day to be like.  If it isn't then it sucked which isn't helping me.  All or nothing thinking only makes it worse.  

So I'm working on changing my belief system when it comes to evaluating the day.  Yesterday I didn't want to make the change for the usual reason.  Change sucks.  Even though I know at some level that only good things can come from change.  So I'm trying to say that if half the stuff I wanted to happen happened it was a good day.  Now it's not because I'll accept a half assed job, but because what I want is my goals at the end of a 2-5 year plan.  It's not going to happen overnight even though I may want it to be that way.   

A Ghost of a Remark

I am truly amazed at how a helpful suggestion pushed me into a 3 hour emotional spin.  Last night the Comic and I were suppose to go on a Ghost walk in the next town over.  They do it once a year just before Halloween.  I had tickets in advance so their would be no troubles.  


However yesterday the Comic's sister fell and hurt herself.  She took her sister to Urgent care to get checked out since she was in a lot of pain and severely swollen.  However it took a long while to get processed.  So the Comic called to suggest that I go by myself so it wouldn't be a total waste of money.  I was going to make the remark that I blew plenty in incidents like this when I was married, but I didn't. I told her that I would pass since I really wanted to go with her.  We then made backup plans for when she was finished.


However I was in a funk after that and I couldn't put my finger on why.  The Comic did call later and say that she was finished and we decided to try to get to a later walk.  We decided to meet up and then go in one car. Since she had the distance to cover I was going to grab food for us.  


Well the event wasn't meant to be for us.  Both tunnels were congested for miles and we decided to just go home.  Actually the Comic suggested on visiting a few places to browse, but I just wasn't in the mood.  I dropped her off at her car so we could drive to my place.  I tried to put names to how I felt.  The biggest being I just wanted to lie down, shut my eyes, and be held.  I felt like I wanted to cry.  My mind felt very muddled. 


When we got everything into my place and got into comfy clothes I just curled up on the bed and closed my eyes.  The Comic and I started to talk and I said I didn't know why, but I had a tail end of it when this started.  Then I remembered the remark I was going to say.


The remark reminded me of how my marriage had been.  Their had been plenty of times when I had gotten tickets for us and my ex had decided not to go at the last minute.  Tickets to the Broadway show Rent and a vacation to Cancun were on the top of the list.  It was just the insanity that I lived in then since there was no rhyme or reason.

The Comic connected my behavior with my ex since she said I had been short with her on the phone with getting something to eat.  She knew it wasn't my normal behavior.  I was happy to have her take my apology in good spirits.  

The weirdest thing was that as soon as I was finished talking about the event, the funk was gone.  It was just an experience that I never fully dealt with emotionally.  Like my old therapist use to say.  You always bury your feelings alive and at some point they will come back to haunt you.  Hey just in time for Halloween.

Old Tapes a Playing

I'll be sequestered most of this coming weekend behind closed doors for my continuing education credits.  Since I won't be seeing much of the Comic and our relationship time is important to me I decided to take this morning off so we could spend some time together.  We had made a bathroom pit stop on our window shopping expedition.  So while the Comic was using the facilities I was looking at my Facebook and got 2 free tickets to see J. Medicine Hat tonight at the Funny Bone.  When the Comic came out, she asked if I would mind if she left to go see help her cousin who was moving and would be back Saturday.  

I told her I didn't mind, but I pointed out she was doing her usual of putting everyone else first and herself last, something I know well.  We talked for awhile on it and I asked her to go tomorrow so we could spend tonight together like we had planned.  However I was in a bit of a tailspin.  This change of direction of her brought up old feelings.  Whether it is healthy or not, I have a pecking order in my mind.  My Mom use to knock me off it when a man came in her life so I'm extremely sensitive to it.  So the Comic's quick change of who she was doing things with really bothered me.  

At our next stop I told her I was bothered and the reason.  She apologized and said I was important to her, but that she has been alone for so long she sometimes doesn't take the other person into view.  So we both got to talk about how we were feeling and to come closer.  She's going to stay with me tonight and head up to her cousin's for 2 days and be back for a Halloween party Saturday night.

A question for you all.  We went to the movies with the singles last night.  Asp who never comes out, came.  She and others sat someplace else in the theater.  Should I be telling the Comic who I've dated before or after hand these women.  I was going to tell her after wards since Asp is flaky on making it out.  Since we never interacted I didn't say anything.  Views?  

Meanderings of the Mind

The Comic and I went to the Stockley Gardens Art show Saturday to look at all the art and jewelry.  It was the first fall show that hasn't been miserable in a long while.  We both picked up a few items. I originally didn't think I was going to get anything since I wasn't seeing anything I liked.  However I found the artist who I picked up her Guardian Angel pick which I liked last year.  I enjoyed her enchanted tree picture, but her Earth Angel was my decision since it would work well with what I already had on my wall.  So when I was finished paying for it, the Comic asked for her card.  She pointed out that she had Michael the archangel after it. The way she said it hit a chord in me so I went back and got one.  However her husband went to their car to get me a different matted one because she said my favorite color was blue.  She was right, but it was really weird since I didn't mention it nor was I blue boy clothes wise that day.

It was a beautiful day Sunday so I took the Comic to sit out on the water and have some steamed shrimp.  It reminded me of my first few years of life growing up on the water.  Plus the few good memories of my Dad and I which involved fishing and ham sandwiches.  Mostly because he was more involved with me when we were on the boat instead of when we were at his place or bars.  

The Comic and I laid around last night looking at my room with all the new decorations in it.  She brought up things 5 years from now.  So I asked her what her plans were for then.  She was hesitant to say them less she jinx herself.  However we both agreed that we wanted to be together then.  We talked about what kind of place would be nice to live.   It was the first time in a long time I've talked about a future with someone.  It was very nice. 

Stolen Innocence

Being at a milestone in my relationship with the Comic did one thing for me, push me away from her.  While I kept myself tethered to her over the last few days doing all my normal stuff that I would do in a relationship.  I didn't feel the connection like I had been.   

It came up last night when we were talking about my stuff in my room.  Some parts of it still don't feel like mine, while others I've owned.  The Comic pointed out that so much of my life was ripped away from me that I would feel apprehensive about enjoying my stuff again.  And their it was.  Why I was feeling unconnected to her?  The Comic is important to me and I love her very much.  So there is a lot of chance to be hurt if I lose her like I've loss things and people before.  So as usual, I started backing out the door a little.  Not fully out, but I was making sure I was protected if everything was pulled away.  Health?  Sane?  No.  I know that, but it's reflexive.  It was nice to talk to her about it and have her accept it.  Plus having her reaffirm to me how much I mean to her was very helpful.  I have to admit that is her best quality.  The Comic always affirms where I am in her life which is a good thing for me. 


Bit tired today.  I went over early to see the Comic and family in the hospital since her mom is having surgery today.  I've come to know her mom pretty well since we end up talking twice a week when she comes in for treatment.  I still find it weird to have an adopted family that I cherish more than my blood one. 

A Letter to My Son

Hey Eric,

How are you doing?  I was very saddened to hear about your grandfather dying.  I know that you were very close to him. 

I’ve had several people who I was close to die over the years.  It’s never easy even though I know that death is a part of life.  For most of them like my Mom and my grandmother it was easier.  They had lived a full life and at the end they were suffering.  Even though I would miss them I didn’t want them to suffer just too still be with me which I thought as being selfish. 

One thing I learned from Grandma Aleja was that to give people their roses while they were alive and not when they were dead.  This meant do what you need to do when the people you care about are alive.  Tell them that you love them and enjoy your time with them.  You can’t do that once they’re gone. 

The hardest death I’ve had to deal with was a friend of mine named Linda who died in her thirties due to cancer.  She died young and we had lost communication between us the year or two before she died.  That was hard for me since I didn’t get to say anything before she died. 

I can imagine that you’re world has been tossed upside down at the moment.  I also know that your mom has taken this death very hard.  Please know that your mom and I will still take care of you even with me so far away. 

The biggest thing is always saying goodbye to the person and how to memorialize them.  For the people that were close to me there was always something of theirs that connected me to them.  Like my grandmother had a plaque on her kitchen wall always made me think of her.  So I asked for it when she died.  You may want to think about what makes you think of your grandfather and ask your mom for that so you can stay connected to him.

On saying goodbye, I have a good prayer that may help you.

Grandpa or Jim (whatever works for you) thank you for all you have given me.  You have impacted my life with your love, your caring and your wisdom.  Now that you are gone, I will carry all your love and everything I learned fro you within me.  The essence of who you were as a person will live within me and within others.  You will continue to give the world as we pass on to others what we learned from you.  I will miss you, but will have joy in remembering all you meant to me.  Each thing you touched will bring you to mind.  Your laugh, your smile, your words will resound in my mind and heart.  Good bye dear one (or you can use his name). 

I hope this helps you as you grieve over him.  Also remember everyone needs to grieve and at their own pace.  Just as you are sad so is your mom.  You won’t be able to cheer her up nor will it be your job.  She just needs to go through her grieving too.

As always you can call or write me anytime.

I love you Cheeky and I always will no matter what.

Dad

That's How I Fall

The week started out all planned and packed with patients and events. Wow, let me tell you how fast that house of cards fell yesterday. My 3 day health fair was rescheduled and I wasn't informed which left this gaping hole in my schedule during the middle of the week. Then my record day of 11 patients ended leaving only 3 after the dust had settled. I do have to admit that the good thing through it all was that I was didn't take it personally and keep myself from dropping into the hole of pessimism. I tell you a woman can turn me down and it doesn't phase me, but with work it's hard not to take it personally. So the week is still a good week and I'm using the holes to good use with marketing.

One of the women that was a roommate back when I lived with the landlord came in yesterday for treatment. I'm sure I had a nickname for her, but for the life of me I can't figure which one if any. Anyhow it was good talking to her. Honestly I was surprised to hell to see her. However pain will make people do many strange things. We got to talk about the landlord and I was surprised that she was still pretty upset with his death. However it was her first close death which did explain a lot.

Speaking of death. I'm going to try to spread my Mom's ashes either tonight or tomorrow. They're starting to become a permanent fixture in my trunk and too easy to make a joke about. Not that I don't mind the jokes, but it's just starting to take too long to get it done. So I packed everything in the car this morning. Not quite sure what I'll say, but I'll do fine.

I'm going to try and track down Eric tonight and talk to him. I want to see if there is some reason for their being a problem every time we talk. The first hurdle will be getting him on the phone. I doubt if I'll get an answer, but I have to try. I can't expect him to get over his fears if I can't do the same.

Witches and Warplanes

As it is becoming the norm it was a fun filled weekend with the Comic. She even joked that she was my comic relief. Saturday was one of a few days that she has come to the office with me while I treat a few patients. It's nice to hear from her how my patients sing my praises.
Afterwards we went to the Autumn Moon festival which was also known as the pagan pride festival. I guess everyone has to have pride day to themselves. It was a fun event and we got to look at all the stuff that was for sale. The Comic got a nice, knitted poncho.
The rest of the day was filled with working out at the gym and a thrift store. I did score Finding Nemo on dvd plus a nice Buddha statue. We were going to make tacos at the house, but after we decided on everything that was needed and what had to be done we decided on Taco Bell. It was easier, quicker, and cheaper. I was very happy with their new ranchero menu which replaces the cheese which I can't eat with ranchero topping. Yummy.
Yesterday we headed over to NAS Oceana to see the air show. It was lots of fun and enjoyable since I had chairs this year. Standing on the concrete in the blazing sun isn't fun. We got to see all different types of planes, from gliders, to prop planes. A great British parachute team. The Shockwave was also there. It's a truck with 3 jet engines slapped to it to make it go really fast. When it was belching fire and smoke, I was feeling like I was at a red neck cook out. However watching it zoom down the track at 345 mph was pretty impressive I have to admit. The best part of the show for me was watching the Raptor perform. The maneuverability of the jet was amazing. From almost 90 degree turns to tight high speed turns.
The Comic and I did end of having a bit of a heart to heart yesterday. It wasn't planned and I don't even know how it came up. Mostly it covered her low self esteem and how it affects her. She brought it up and tried to motivate her to move in a better direction. The Comic will always say she is better when she is with me so I pointed out how that wasn't a inside change. I reminded her of how she was the week Eric was here and she had a lot of problems. I care about her very much, but I know this is our limiting factor. I inferred how it would affect us positively, but focused more on how her life would be better. Showing her examples which she agreed with. Now its just seeing what she does.

More is Better

While my actions don't show it, I want to be a miser. Yes I'm paying bills, plus a few extra penalties for business stuff I let slip through the cracks. I tell you when I finally get a little extra padding in the bank. I really want to keep it. So when all the bills come up I'm resistant to pay even though most of them were paid with 60 seconds of me opening the envelope. I know me. If I let it linger, it will linger. I'm trying to be grateful that I have the extra to pay everything all off. It's spiritually healthy to pay stuff and not be so miserly. Keeps everything flowing instead of putting up a dam somewhere.

Over at OOBH she talked about where people come from to her blog. I've read others talk and joke about it, but I never remember to look and see what mine are. Nothing too crazy so I must be getting saner.

• Unreliable magazines
• You're a useful as an asshole right here
• in this crazy world
• monogamous dater
• rotten dead body and crazy stuff that's going on in the world
• skip a line fandango

I've haven't been connecting with Eric at night so I don't know how his new school is. I'll try again tonight. I do think that not setting up his voice mail is my ex's way of controlling my contact with him. I do want to get his student ID# when I talk to him so I can see online how he is doing in school which will be helpful since I don't get any updates from my ex.

Head in the Sand

The Comic seemed to have a fun time sleeping last night. I awoke to hear her tell someone to "kiss her ass" as she laughed. Both of us were a bit sad when I sad goodbye this morning since we won't see each other to Friday night. With work during the day I don't have much time to do my own stuff. It's not till I'm by myself that I realize how little time I have to myself these days. While I enjoy my time with the Comic, alone time is important to me. I lost myself in my marriage and I promised I would never do that again. Usually I spread the days out that we have off from each other, but with the holiday this week it just worked out this way.

I've been making more assertive choices with the business over the last few weeks. Most of it being less discounts for people since I can tell their one time wonders. Before I would take the little money, but I think it whittles me down on the inside which is something I don't want to be doing. I think I'll have to plan my discount times and non discount times to help with this. The rest has been fully grasping that I'm paying others for services for myself. I've got on my landlord about keeping our bathrooms clean and stocked which after I said something was done and taken care of in 2 days. The other is my office website which I've been emailing to have them fix for a few months. I just keep forgetting to follow up. Today being fed up with it I just called and had it done in an hour.

I hate confrontation so I have to admit I will usually avoid the higher levels of it if I can. However it's always a lesson for me when I have to do it since it does get the job done.

Pacing Oneself

It's been a week of telling myself what I've been telling everyone else. To pace myself. I came back from vacation from Eric feeling this intense pressure to get so much done that I wanted to. It was all stressing me out especially when there were few deadlines besides the self imposed ones. A lot of that went out the window yesterday I'm happy to report.

The Comic and I finally got to see and hang out with each other after about 12 days. We find that we get stressed when we are away from each other. So yesterday I found myself very relaxed and accepting the fact that I was going to fall apart and come back together again for today. I ended getting a lot of stuff done yesterday with less stress that I had.

Okay I'm going to vomit on the page here just cause I need to get this stuff out of my head. The Comic is the only woman to make me feel so loved and accepted in life. It's hard for me to accept that it's from me being a nice guy and not from all the bad relationships she has had. I like that she has insight into my life which is very helpful. I'm trying not to focus on that she is also coming from a point of lower self esteem than myself. Lastly that she likes me intensely more than I like her. It's not to say that I don't like her, but it is a halogen bulb versus a normal one. No problems here, just a bunch of crap swimming in my mind.

My ex asked if I could get our son health insurance since she's having a hard time trying to show she makes nothing. Anyway she made it seem to me that it was time sensitive, like for school. So I texted her the information I needed Monday and still no response. Nothing new, but in the past this usually blows up at the last minute. I'm trying not to go there with I know how it will end up, but I'm trying to avoid the anxiety on my part.

Switching Tracks

What do I need more of? Another blog to write. Actually this time I'm breaking out into the professional realm. If you want to check it out here it is. The Comic mentioned to me that I should talk to my ex about her intruding in on my time with Eric. Since now the times for him to call are becoming specific during the day. Hey if her dad dies I'm good with anytime with him calling, but if everything is status quo. One call at the end of the day is good enough. I'll see what I do even though I know its a good thing. Just trained not to stir up the hornet's nest.

Pissed today that I got a ticket for a sign posted out front. I believe I can do so for 21 days. I have to find the rules to see if its worth fighting or paying the $200. The bigger thing is that I can switch the bad happening for me being a bad person. It's an old tape that comes up from time to time. I was able to switch tracks with it this morning, but it did take a while.

My good news came this morning with the mail. I got my new insurance and I'm level 1 again. The last time I had it I was level 3 since I was taking an anti-depressant. I was so pissed since I'm healthy in all other ways. So this time it was nice to save $100 a month.

Venting at New Heights

I always thought the anger part of grieving would be about the person dying and them being gone. I dropped the f bomb a lot yesterday as I ranted to my friends about not wanting to grieve and how I didn't want to deal. The problem is on the flip side I know its freaking healthy to do and I've just spent the last 10 years digging up shit from my past that I didn't deal with correctly when it occured. When I vented and said my peace I was better. I even called my brother to talk about dealing with our Mom's remains. However he wasn't around so I'll try again today. I know taking the actions will help with the feelings.

The rest of the day was spent in a scattered mental mess. I kept switching from what I was doing that I was exhausted by the end of the day since I had worn so many hats. The good thing was that my work was done and my trunk was organized which was something it hasn't been for a long time.

I wasn't planning on seeing the Comic last night, but I missed her and she me so I said what the hey. My orginal plan was just to relax and get up early since I had to work this morning. It was funny she wanted to help me put together a storage cabinet I got for my closet. So she was like you need to go slower. She knows once I put my mind to something its done very quickly. So I told her I would give her a job so she could help. It's good for me since I know that I'm way too self sufficient.

Another big difference between us is that she walks slow. The Comic doesn't have the ability to sprint. It's funny and frustrating at times when we need to move a bit quickly and she's just can't do it. I'm not quite sure why and that may take some investigating. We did talk last night about her shoes since she has many of them, but only wears one type with me. She was trying to stay shorter than me. I told her I didn't care. Honestly I don't think she would be taller with heels, but even if she is I don't care.