Going Sane in a Crazy World

My journey through life and the lessons I learn to help me grow spiritually.

Sane Friends

A Christmas Story

Boy this is like exercising.  You stop for a little while and forget about picking it back up again.  I just downloaded the ability to blog from my phone so I can do it when I'm sitting someplace.

Christmas was a bit of a workout.  Mostly since I have a hard time looking forward to things that are very important to me.  The Comic being one of them.  So while she was jumping all over the place in excitement I was pretty stoic about the whole thing.  Although I started to get a mild case of excitement as the festive day approached.  

It was nice to spend a holiday with someone I loved and cared about again.  Besides spending last year with Asp for the evening before she flew to see her parents it's been a while.  While Asp and I were never emotionally connected it was someone.  However comparing this year and last is like comparing apples and lizards.  So it was a Christmas to spend with someone which hasn't happened since 2003.  Yes it's been a long time and no Starbucks on the holiday.

Both the Comic and I enjoyed the presents we gave each other.  She was very thankful for all the help with Christmas especially being the first without her father.  It was my first one without my Mom, but that barely registered for me.  I talked to my brother and SIL on Christmas and the Comic could see what I always talk about with their machine gun questions that leave me with nothing to ask.  

Eric and I have been talking better on the phone which I've enjoyed.  He is changing and I'll have to change with him.

We had the third heaviest snow here in recorded history.  It made for a white Christmas which is was nice.  I wasn't happy about having to close the office for a day.  You can easily tell who's from here and who is not.  I was like let's go out while the Comic was like we're stuck inside.  It's become a joke of me saying, "I'm from NY."

I have to admit the holiday really brought us closer together. 

When Life Resembles Art

Over the last few weeks I've been using my free time in the car to listen to education sales CD's to help sharpen my game.  I use to save this for my trips to see Eric, but since that didn't happen this time and I'm in the car at least 20 minutes a day I can get through a series in a few weeks.  I learn a lot and it keeps me in a good frame of mind.  

An interesting story on my present series talked about how when you move from one level in your life and move to a higher one ie. better job, more money, etc.  It will make you uncomfortable until you get use to it.  Depending on how big the change will dictate how much discomfort you will experience.  The author's story was about a twenty something farmer who became a sales person. He was making 2 sales a week and making $2000 commission for the sales.  After making the second sale he would go home, draw all the curtains and crawl into a fetal position in his bed.  Getting that much money was too much for him.

In the last 2 months I've gotten the office busier and I've made more money.  Great.  However like I learned from this CD if you are not use to the extra money you will get rid of it in some shape or form.  I spent it on upgrades for the office, some DVD's for me, and dinners out with the Comic.  Now I look at all the money I earned and wonder where it went.  Lesson learned on that area.

The second area is I can get pessimistic when the office doesn't respond the way I want it to.  The Comic is good in helping me see all the positive stuff so I can build myself back up.  I have to admit she did a really good job last night.  Since then I've been torturing myself with every single bill and debt I owe.  Nothing has changed in the last 24 hours.  I'm just having a hard time getting comfortable in a better place.  

I remember when I didn't have all that chaos in my life after divorce.  It felt so strange and I was almost looking for stuff to be back in that pressure just because I was use to it.  The mind is a strange thing, but I do tell my patients that anything done for 2 weeks the body starts to believe is normal.  

"The only person who likes change is the one with the wet diaper."

Writing With Traction

I see I'm getting to blogging one a week now.  How times have changed.  Happy to say I'm busier now and that I don't have time to blog.  While there are many times during the week that something comes up that I would normally blog about has gotten pushed aside to do work.  It's something I'm grateful for since I'm meeting my weekly goals that I've set for myself.  Still stuck in a 30 day cycle, but I'm stretching myself as best as I can to get to a 6 month and then 1 year list of goals.  My true goal is a 5 year plan, but since I've been formally writing my goals down again only 2-3 weeks now I'm not expecting miracles.

The Comic and I are still doing wonderfully.  Our ability to talk through any situation that has come up between us has been our best quality.  I did talk to her this week about cutting back our dining out since it's busting my budget.  It was a big thing for me since bringing something up like this in my past always meant problems.  However it went over well and we set about shopping together so we can cook together when we see each other.  I knew ahead of time that it would be no problem, yet it caused all kinds of anxiety.  It will take many times of this happening in a positive manner for me to have the faith that it will all work out.

My birthday last week turned out great and I really enjoyed my presents from the Comic who has helped me pick up my long lost hobby of modeling and painting.  Once the New Year passes I'll pick up some paints to start painting the figures that she bought me.

The holidays are in full swing for us.  We will be stopping at her mom's tomorrow to decorate the house.  She helped me decorate my room last weekend and it looks great.  All my presents are bought and wrapped.  I'll mail out Eric's stuff Monday so I can avoid most of the holiday rush.  

The funny thing on gift giving is that the Comic wanted this nice ring she had seen.  I told her I would get it for her for Valentine's day.  It arrived yesterday.  I've bought a lot o jewelry over the years especially having worked in the jewelry industry.  This is the second ring I've ever bought.  The first was my ex's engagement ring.  So holding this one brought up some feelings.  Nothing bad though.

At present I'm happy to see my life improving faster than it has in a while.  Having the Comic in my life has helped me want to achieve more which is something big for me.  I've never been able to find many things to inspire me to shoot for higher goals on a consistent basis.  It's been nice and a bit scary to be focused and wanting better for myself.  It's been about 3 months and counting now.  I've got traction under my feet and with that I can achieve a lot.   

Knee Deep in a Relationship

Being knee deep in a relationship is a work out let me tell you.  I talked to the Comic about how I was feeling and it went over well.  She explained how much I do mean to her which made me cry.  I did talk to her about seeing her niece any other day would not have been a problem.  However she had made it out to be such a special day for me and then to drop it as soon as someone else came into town bothered me.  What I did say was the example of me sharing the holiday with her yesterday and how much she had been looking forward to it.  Then me saying Wednesday that a friend had come into town and I would just stop over for dessert in the evening.  She got the point there.  The other thing that I explained to her was that while all her words were really nice that actions like these negated them.  

So today I'm working half a day.  The Comic was going to come into the office to help with decorations and with my calendars which she really wanted to do.  After which we are going to see Harry Potter.  This morning she wanted to sleep in which was no problem, but when it was 11:30 and I hadn't heard a response from my text I was getting a bit upset.  For me I don't care if you want to do something or not, however if you say you are going to do it.  I do expect that it happens.  

So I'm trying to drop the fantasy that I'm going to see Harry Potter by myself.  I will do it if I don't hear from her since I don't give up my happiness for anyone. However I do want to be able to detach without any fuck you.  I did the decorations already and will start on the calendars in a few.

I will say it was rough for me opening presents this morning.  It really hasn't happen for me in many years so I'm a bit cool with it.  Mostly it reminds me of how much I've missed over the years and the overflow of emotions this year.  It's hard leaving the edge of the pool to venture into the deep end to get the full experience.  I'm doing it inch by inch and hour by hour, but I will tell you this is a lot of work.  I'm enjoying it all, but I haven't had to work this hard in years.

Phone Calls

I had talked to Eric about having his phone on since I keep calling, but all I ever get is the voice mail which isn't hooked up.  I also broached the subject of the holidays since it would be the first after his grandfather's death.  He did his usual that he was tired and wanted to get off the phone.  However I was ready for him this time and just kept going.  I talked about how it had been for me with my Mom's death.  He took it pretty well.  Anyway that was last week.  It's been a week of daily phone calls and getting his voice mail. 

So today is my birthday and I'll skip trying to call him to see if he calls me to wish me a happy one.  I'm going to have to step up my firmness with him on this issue with the phone.  Especially since my ex is a waste with any help.  It's what I share with others on doing when things are happening, but it seems I need to follow my own advice and not be so soft on the kid.

Brought to You By

Here I am doing something I haven't done in years, sharing Thanksgiving and my birthday with someone I love.  Here I am at 3:30 am freaked out and wanting to be alone before it all starts.  While there is some trepidation on being with a big family for the holiday.  Plus that I'm having to accept another layer of happiness which for me is hard to do.  Like I've said in previous post it's hard for me to look forward to things.  I always expect them to be pulled away from me.  However tonight's insomnia is brought on resentment and a bit of fear.

Friday is my birthday.  For the last few weeks it's been a big thing for her to share it with me.  However 2 days ago it changed in my mind.  The Comic asked if we could visit her mom's after I get out of work to see her niece when she comes down. Now for anyone else this would not bother me, but this is the niece that the Comic will put ahead of everyone else.  Yes even me.  Last month we had plans one night and then they were abruptly changed when her niece called and said she needed help packing.

I talked to her about it then and how I felt the importance that she states I have in her life was not totally true if I could be pushed aside so easily.  She agreed and we had our night together and she left to see her niece the next day. 

Now intellectually I believe this is the Comic's way of getting me to her mom's for a surprise birthday party.  She wants to make my day special.  Emotionally all I'm hearing is that her niece is in town and I'm now second fiddle again.  My Mom use to do this when she was dating.  I was very important in her life then a man would come and I was unimportant, if not in the way.  This has left a large scar on me.  I really don't want to spoil the Comic's plans if she has them, but this is something that is really bothering me and I know I'll need to talk to her about it in the morning.

Band of the Hand

I walked out to my car this morning to find a plastic wrapped envelope stuck to my car.  The contents of it made me cry.  It was a hand made card from the Comic celebrating our 5th month together.  I forget sometimes that she has the art degree.  It was very touching and very nice to have someone do something so sweet for me.  It's been a long time.  

5 months is a record for me in the dating world post divorce.  6 is the Comic's limit.  So we're doing very well and breaking new territory all the time.  We both really care about each other which is great.

I did have my first serious talk with her about something that was bothering me.  I had held off most of the week since the Comic had the flu and I knew it wasn't that appropriate to talk about.  

The Comic had went to visit her niece again last week and came back to me Friday.  This time she was in worse shape than she was last time she went.  It was so bad that she emotionally vomited all over me.  It wasn't pretty.  Something like that hadn't happened to me in a long time and I reflexively shut down to it.  That night was the first time I ever thought seriously that the Comic may not be for me.  However sunrise the next day brought everything back to normal.  

Over the next few days I kept having these little fantasy daydreams of trying to get control with that situation with her niece.  It was always fleeting so I didn't think much of it.  However Monday I stopped myself and looked at it.  Realizing that I felt abused with the emotional vomiting, I was trying to stop being a victim in my head.  

Now talking about a problem is always huge for me.  It never went well for most of my life. Not with my family and definitely not with my wife.  So it was anxiety laden to say the least.  I'm happy to say it went over well.  The Comic apologized for it and we were able to talk everything out in a healthy way that hasn't happened in a relationship before.  

A Train Wreck of a Visit

As many of you may or may not know I was suppose to be visiting my son Eric this weekend.  The problems started last weekend when he called to tell me that I needed to pick him up later than my usual time so he could do his homework.  I was okay with that since get it out of the way so we could concentrate on father-son time.  Then came the list of things needed for the weekend.  He would have lots of homework.  He would need a computer with Internet access.  Plus he would need a printer.  WTF?  I told him I would bring my laptop and we would be set on the whole computer and Internet thing.  I informed him that I wasn't dragging a printer up there for him.  I would bring a memory stick and he could just take it home and print the stuff up.  That was met with I don't think it would work.  So I told him we would take it someplace like Office Max or Kinkos and get it printed up.  This conversation also covered that he had pre-did a bunch of homework so he could go to a birthday party that weekend.  I smelt my ex at work here.  The usual sticking it to me and I need to take it to see our son.  

Then last night I got a call from Eric telling me that the visit is canceled.   WTF again.  He informs me that my ex had a procedure done this week and is still under the weather from it.  He's going to stay with her this weekend.  I told him that we will have to reschedule for a later date.  


We've had visits canceled before, but this one really hit me hard for some reason.  Mostly because it brings up a lot of stuff from the past.  I have a hard time getting excited to see Eric since it's a big thing and I'm use to growing up and having big things derailed at the end.  So when this happened the sadness of the present and the past really collided to make me a very depressed person right now. 
 

Odds & Ends

One part of my relationship with the Comic I'm still trying to get use to is the sickness.  I work hard to stay healthy so getting a cold is a very rare thing for me.  However since being with the Comic I've had to fight off quite a few.  Have to admit I'm not to happy about it.  I'd rather be using my resources for other things. Now I'm okay with her being sick, although I will point out what brought this on. This episode as well as her back problem have been brought on by visiting her niece who is quite dysfunctional.  I'm happy she has realized this since she came back this time and pretty much emotionally vomited on me for most of Friday night.  It wasn't that fun.

Last night's Game night with the singles was fun as always.  It's very reaffirming to hear people say how much they love it and how they've become close to everyone.  It's nice to have created something thing that has some lasting value.

Lastly I still think Eric is avoiding me on the phone for some reason.  I talked to him Friday night and it ended pretty quickly with him saying he was too tired from doing homework.  This isn't cool.  Since I'll see him next weekend I'll talk to him face to face.  I can never be sure where my ex is when we are talking on the phone. 

Optimism

I talk to the Comic a lot about her scale for knowing when to be hungry is way off.  Because of that her decisions and beliefs are illogical.  In my journey to be more optimistic I'm finding that I'm the same way.  I have what I want the day to be like.  If it isn't then it sucked which isn't helping me.  All or nothing thinking only makes it worse.  

So I'm working on changing my belief system when it comes to evaluating the day.  Yesterday I didn't want to make the change for the usual reason.  Change sucks.  Even though I know at some level that only good things can come from change.  So I'm trying to say that if half the stuff I wanted to happen happened it was a good day.  Now it's not because I'll accept a half assed job, but because what I want is my goals at the end of a 2-5 year plan.  It's not going to happen overnight even though I may want it to be that way.   

In to the Valley

I'm over the mountain and back in a valley for a while.  It's just getting hard to blog like I use to.  Sorry it's been downgraded on my priority scale since it doesn't positively affect my paycheck.  Usually I remember to do it when I'm finish for the day and I have to decide if I'm leaving or staying later to post.  You can see who's been winning.  Anyway I'll do several post to catch you up since I hate 5 page posts.

It continues to be difficult to talk to Eric.  When I see him next weekend I'm going to need to set up something with him so I can reach him.  However the main thing that is still on my mind is Monday's call.  I finally reached him only to find out that he didn't dress up or go trick or treating.  WTF?  He says he wasn't in the mood this year.  What 11 year old turns down free candy.  The other was that in talking about our next visit to see him he was pretty blase about it.  

My mind instantly went to him being very depressed since it's Casa de Sunshine at my ex's place.  While I deal with minor depression she deals with major.  So I started projecting Eric drinking and doing drugs in a few years.  Not the greatest place to start, but I'm pessimistic so don't judge me.  I talked to my ex who said his pediatrician and school counselor had evaluated him since his grandfather's death.  He was handling it all appropriately.  Plus his grades where still up.  So we'll watch him and see how it goes.  

It did take a life of its own for a few days.  I'll better be able to evaluate him when I see him next weekend. 

A Ghost of a Remark

I am truly amazed at how a helpful suggestion pushed me into a 3 hour emotional spin.  Last night the Comic and I were suppose to go on a Ghost walk in the next town over.  They do it once a year just before Halloween.  I had tickets in advance so their would be no troubles.  


However yesterday the Comic's sister fell and hurt herself.  She took her sister to Urgent care to get checked out since she was in a lot of pain and severely swollen.  However it took a long while to get processed.  So the Comic called to suggest that I go by myself so it wouldn't be a total waste of money.  I was going to make the remark that I blew plenty in incidents like this when I was married, but I didn't. I told her that I would pass since I really wanted to go with her.  We then made backup plans for when she was finished.


However I was in a funk after that and I couldn't put my finger on why.  The Comic did call later and say that she was finished and we decided to try to get to a later walk.  We decided to meet up and then go in one car. Since she had the distance to cover I was going to grab food for us.  


Well the event wasn't meant to be for us.  Both tunnels were congested for miles and we decided to just go home.  Actually the Comic suggested on visiting a few places to browse, but I just wasn't in the mood.  I dropped her off at her car so we could drive to my place.  I tried to put names to how I felt.  The biggest being I just wanted to lie down, shut my eyes, and be held.  I felt like I wanted to cry.  My mind felt very muddled. 


When we got everything into my place and got into comfy clothes I just curled up on the bed and closed my eyes.  The Comic and I started to talk and I said I didn't know why, but I had a tail end of it when this started.  Then I remembered the remark I was going to say.


The remark reminded me of how my marriage had been.  Their had been plenty of times when I had gotten tickets for us and my ex had decided not to go at the last minute.  Tickets to the Broadway show Rent and a vacation to Cancun were on the top of the list.  It was just the insanity that I lived in then since there was no rhyme or reason.

The Comic connected my behavior with my ex since she said I had been short with her on the phone with getting something to eat.  She knew it wasn't my normal behavior.  I was happy to have her take my apology in good spirits.  

The weirdest thing was that as soon as I was finished talking about the event, the funk was gone.  It was just an experience that I never fully dealt with emotionally.  Like my old therapist use to say.  You always bury your feelings alive and at some point they will come back to haunt you.  Hey just in time for Halloween.

Speeding By

Wow a whole week without a post.  Keep meaning to do it, but then I was home with no computer.  This week has been busy as hell.  While actual business is up a little it was seminar last weekend that has filled this week up.  I originally wasn't looking forward to the seminar, but it kept my attention for 12 hours.  Mostly through fear.  It was on risk management and documentation.  The speaker started off with malpractice stats down to 1 in 6 doctors are now being sued since it was an easy 35k or at least that's what the attorneys are saying.  So it's a ton more paperwork for you to fill out when you go to your doctor's office.  All my extra time this week is changing forms around and making sure there are no leaks in my business.  The hardest part was vomiting all the information out of my skull so I can comprehend it all.  My brain was sore and full after I left the first day of listening.

It was very interesting when the Comic and I were eating the other night to have her say, "when we get married...".  Honestly it didn't phase me in the least, it was just different.  Mostly because when my ex use to talk about it I would freak.  This time around I'm okay with it.  I'm not looking to get married tomorrow and the Comic has no timetable, but we do really like each other.  Both of us are starting to include the other in long term plans.  So I guess it's a natural extension of the thought process.  Pretty cool though.

I don't think that I mentioned that my ex had Eric call me to say that he didn't want to fly down here during the school year.  I usually can tell where it's coming from when he calls and doesn't get to the point right away.  He avoids it like the plague.  So I guess I'll be driving up for a while longer.  My ex was fast to follow up wondering if I was going to cover Eric with health insurance so she doesn't have to prove how much money she isn't making.  Part of me wants to tell her to go screw herself, but like always it concerns Eric so it will happen.  

Hopefully I will be able to stay more regular again with entries while I make changes here at the office.  I'm trying to keep my blog reader under 100 entries, but it's a battle I'm losing.

Old Tapes a Playing

I'll be sequestered most of this coming weekend behind closed doors for my continuing education credits.  Since I won't be seeing much of the Comic and our relationship time is important to me I decided to take this morning off so we could spend some time together.  We had made a bathroom pit stop on our window shopping expedition.  So while the Comic was using the facilities I was looking at my Facebook and got 2 free tickets to see J. Medicine Hat tonight at the Funny Bone.  When the Comic came out, she asked if I would mind if she left to go see help her cousin who was moving and would be back Saturday.  

I told her I didn't mind, but I pointed out she was doing her usual of putting everyone else first and herself last, something I know well.  We talked for awhile on it and I asked her to go tomorrow so we could spend tonight together like we had planned.  However I was in a bit of a tailspin.  This change of direction of her brought up old feelings.  Whether it is healthy or not, I have a pecking order in my mind.  My Mom use to knock me off it when a man came in her life so I'm extremely sensitive to it.  So the Comic's quick change of who she was doing things with really bothered me.  

At our next stop I told her I was bothered and the reason.  She apologized and said I was important to her, but that she has been alone for so long she sometimes doesn't take the other person into view.  So we both got to talk about how we were feeling and to come closer.  She's going to stay with me tonight and head up to her cousin's for 2 days and be back for a Halloween party Saturday night.

A question for you all.  We went to the movies with the singles last night.  Asp who never comes out, came.  She and others sat someplace else in the theater.  Should I be telling the Comic who I've dated before or after hand these women.  I was going to tell her after wards since Asp is flaky on making it out.  Since we never interacted I didn't say anything.  Views?  

Meanderings of the Mind

The Comic and I went to the Stockley Gardens Art show Saturday to look at all the art and jewelry.  It was the first fall show that hasn't been miserable in a long while.  We both picked up a few items. I originally didn't think I was going to get anything since I wasn't seeing anything I liked.  However I found the artist who I picked up her Guardian Angel pick which I liked last year.  I enjoyed her enchanted tree picture, but her Earth Angel was my decision since it would work well with what I already had on my wall.  So when I was finished paying for it, the Comic asked for her card.  She pointed out that she had Michael the archangel after it. The way she said it hit a chord in me so I went back and got one.  However her husband went to their car to get me a different matted one because she said my favorite color was blue.  She was right, but it was really weird since I didn't mention it nor was I blue boy clothes wise that day.
It was a beautiful day Sunday so I took the Comic to sit out on the water and have some steamed shrimp.  It reminded me of my first few years of life growing up on the water.  Plus the few good memories of my Dad and I which involved fishing and ham sandwiches.  Mostly because he was more involved with me when we were on the boat instead of when we were at his place or bars.  

The Comic and I laid around last night looking at my room with all the new decorations in it.  She brought up things 5 years from now.  So I asked her what her plans were for then.  She was hesitant to say them less she jinx herself.  However we both agreed that we wanted to be together then.  We talked about what kind of place would be nice to live.   It was the first time in a long time I've talked about a future with someone.  It was very nice. 

Working Hard

I tell you trying to work at a higher performance level is mentally tiring. Mostly because I'm pushing the envelope in areas that I try to avoid.  At the least just dip my toes in.  However it did help me generate more money this week which I have to remember to keep doing it.  I also understand why they really push having the time off to regenerate yourself.  I've gotten much better with that over the years, but I really see it now.  I also see that in the coming years I'll need to change my game plan about having someone work for me in the office.  I can still treat 80-100 patients a day like I use to since it's fun and easy.  However money collection, appointments, etc. just drain the shit out of me.  So my goal now is to get a second room going and then cut hours to the the times that I have patients, concentrating when I busy to make it really busy.

Finally catching up on blogs.  I think I have only 50 entries left.  Hey I even commented on my own comments. So I'm getting there.  Starting a new life is always difficult since you need to grieve for the old one.  

Bidding Fun

After a loud commotion one night that nearly gave the Comic a heart attack I decided I needed bookends for my shelf.  I've been looking for a while and nothing caught my eye until I found a pair of brass dragon ones on Craig's List.  The guy wanted $4 for them.  I had my doubts, but I trudged down to the southern part of the city the other night to get them.  I knocked on the door to be greeted by an older Chinese lady.  I told her what I was there for and she looked at me strange.  Than she called out to Julian to see if he knew what I was talking about.  So I'm thinking it's her son.  When this short, old Chinese man shows up I was proven wrong.  After about 10 minutes of me standing around he informs me he can't find them. Ugh.  I tell him to email me if he does find them. One day later I'm the proud owner of pretty cool bookends.  


I usually keep an eye open for items that I would like if the price is right.  I was surprised to find a Motoko Kusanagi figure for only $1.75 on Ebay yesterday.  The auction would end that night and no one had bid high.  I figured I would have a good shot at getting it for a cheap price.  The Comic has very little history with Ebay so she wanted to sit with me in the last few minutes to see if I won it.  She was cute and wanted to do a 10 second count down.  However in the last 5 seconds the price jumped $25.  Boy you should have seen her.   She was angry and brooding after wards like she had lost.  It was pretty funny.  She was surprised that I didn't bid more, but like I told her.  Everything has a price for me plus I know what is more important that I need to do with my money.  Oh well I'll keep looking.

Birthday Plans





As the Comic joked, I unclenched my ass and pulled out a few coins.  I'm not a cheap person by nature, but I do have prices in my mind for everything.  Plus I know what I need to pay for in the coming future which will be a visit to see Eric next month.  However since it's my birthday next month I always try to get myself something special.  I'm not much a material guy so most things I want are small like a DVD or book.  I know doesn't seem exciting, but I enjoy them.  The stuff I really enjoy is doing stuff which can't be packaged.  

So anyway, the other day on my Facebook page I saw that ad for the Ultramarine movie and I was like WTF?  I'm a big Games Workshop fan even though I haven't played the games for years I still enjoy their books to read.  Anyway they made a movie which is really cool  Yes I'm geeking out so don't judge me.  The speed bump was that it's $40 for a movie which just doesn't work for me in my value system.  However I know that Games Workshop is the only one that will put it out and being British doesn't help.  So I forked the money over much to the Comics laughter.  It should be here around my birthday which will work out great.    

Stolen Innocence

Being at a milestone in my relationship with the Comic did one thing for me, push me away from her.  While I kept myself tethered to her over the last few days doing all my normal stuff that I would do in a relationship.  I didn't feel the connection like I had been.   
It came up last night when we were talking about my stuff in my room.  Some parts of it still don't feel like mine, while others I've owned.  The Comic pointed out that so much of my life was ripped away from me that I would feel apprehensive about enjoying my stuff again.  And their it was.  Why I was feeling unconnected to her?  The Comic is important to me and I love her very much.  So there is a lot of chance to be hurt if I lose her like I've loss things and people before.  So as usual, I started backing out the door a little.  Not fully out, but I was making sure I was protected if everything was pulled away.  Health?  Sane?  No.  I know that, but it's reflexive.  It was nice to talk to her about it and have her accept it.  Plus having her reaffirm to me how much I mean to her was very helpful.  I have to admit that is her best quality.  The Comic always affirms where I am in her life which is a good thing for me. 


Bit tired today.  I went over early to see the Comic and family in the hospital since her mom is having surgery today.  I've come to know her mom pretty well since we end up talking twice a week when she comes in for treatment.  I still find it weird to have an adopted family that I cherish more than my blood one. 

Full Steam Ahead

Sorry I haven't been around in a few days. The weekends are now a pretty much no blog zone since the Comic and I are out someplace doing something.  However I couldn't pass up the good news that today marks 4 months with the Comic.  Applause please.  4 months is my record which was held with the Planner 2 years ago.  Actually this is about the time we broke up.  Anyhow like OVDC pointed out I really don't have any complaints or concerns with the Comic so we are still full steam ahead.

Anyhow about not blogging as much.  I'm trying to concentrate my energy at work to be on work.  Yes I know shockingI'm going through Facebook and Google reader withdrawal.  However I'm getting more done which is important in making more money which is my goal.  Reviewing my stats showed me I'm down 30% in new patients this year which is huge and the reason I'm making less money this year.  I'm really feeling the loss of those extra dollars since I don't have much excess yet.  So I'm cutting out the fat and doing my recreational Internet activities after hours.  Tonight I didn't feel like bringing the laptop home so I'm doing this before I shoot out of here.  

I have to admit I did "slip" a few times and do some surfing, but it was minimal.  I'll be starting a 12 step group on it by the end of the week.  Besides celebrating 4 months today the best thing that happened was that I walked out of my business meeting today with no responsibilities.  Well I still have some since I hold a minor position, but it was so nice to be talk to him, that's his job now.    

Reached My Limit

This year I'll be 44 and while I feel great physically, I'm starting to see my mental capacity starting to decline.  I'm having a hard time accepting my lack of ability to multitask like I use to.  3 things going on at once is now my limit if not one toke over the line.  I'm so use to being able to do so much that now to have a limit is really difficult for me.  

Yesterday was the perfect example.  We had our Fire fighter appreciation day here without any fire fighter showing up for any free stuff.  I asked the secretaries if they wanted and free 10 minute massage since we had the time and they left heel marks on my forehead as they ran in the office.  Anyway just trying to keep track of my stuff, the massage therapists, and then the office really knocked me for a loop.  At the end of the day when the Comic came by to go to dinner I was forgetting to the lock the door.  Having a hard time finishing thoughts.  It was embarrassing.

The highlight of the day was when I was examining a new patient.  I was checking muscle strength and both my arms were in use when I felt something in my nose.  I could feel it was one of those dry flakes hanging in there.  So my plan was to just wipe my nose as soon as I had use of my hands.  Well it had another plan.  It just dropped right out.  I don't think the patient noticed, but I was mortified to say the least.  At least it wasn't as bad as the doctor drooling on Larry David in Curb your Enthusiasm.  This didn't touch anyone.   

The Games People Play

As any person knows there are plenty of people out there trying to separate you from your money.  I know I'm on several mailing lists of outed rulers of foreign countries needing my help with their finances.  My being a helpful guy must be getting around.  

A few weeks ago I got a message from a guy from Britain wanting to get care for his employees while they were here for a month.  Naturally I'm suspicious of this kind of stuff, but I do hold a grain of salt to all of them.  Why you might ask?  Well a few months back I got one of these suspicious emails in my box from someone in Korea wanting treatment while they were here visiting.  Like crazy people if you give them enough time they show their true faces.  Hey I've been in enough relationships to see this happen.  Anyway the lady from Korea was truthful, believe me I was shocked to when she showed up for treatment.  

However my boys from across the pond are the usual scam type.  There's the promise of a lot of business, but payment is through this long convuluted way which you would need a PhD in metaphysics to understand.  Oh well I'll miss my pen pal from the water.

The last one is a true pain in the ass.  My answering service seems to be milking me and me with out boobs makes it quite painful.  Since my bill doubled last month I asked for a breakdown of the calls.  How someone talked 15 minutes to leave a message is beyond me.  So my service could be ending soon if they can't correct this problem.  

In My Dreams - Mariska


Does anyone remember Mariska Hargitay in Seinfeld?  She applied for the role of Elaine in the Jerry Pilot.  She had long hair and looked smoking hot. When Law & Order SVU (I always want to say SUV) came on years later she still looked good, but I do miss the long hair.  If she grows that hair back out I may find myself down on one knee.



I'm Turning Japanese

Since the weather has finally started to cool off here I went to my storage unit to finish purging stuff.  I still have boxes of stuff from 6 years ago when I was still married.  The Comic helped me out greatly.  She'll just say she stood around while I did all the heavy stuff.  However just like I'm color blind and can't tell certain things the same goes for tossing stuff out.  

I've moved a lot in life and have gotten so use to stuff being tossed out that it's hard for me to determine what should stay and what should go.  I usually go with how hard is it to decide to keep or not. Hence having stuff in their for 6 years.  

Anyway I was going through one box and I found a fantasy knife I had bought almost 10 years ago.  I had thought it very cool, but my ex didn't and it ended up in a box.  So when I saw it Saturday I handed it to the Comic to give to her son since I knew he would like it.  The Comic took one look at it and feel in love with it and told me I had to keep it since it was way cool.

So I took a step out on a limb and showed her all my Japanese anime stuff I had stored.  I've always loved it, but never really found a woman who did.  So again it was packed away.  The Comic had me take this out too and we ran around yesterday looking for a display for them all.  We finally when with a media cabinet and spent an hour or so putting it together and placing everything.  Plus I had to give background on everything which was fun.

It was nice re-attaching parts of myself that I had either loss or just shunned for so long.  Also to have someone I care about want me to and want to share it with me was the best.

Boomerang Women

It seems its old flame week here in my region.  Don't think its a full moon so I'm not quite sure what's causing it all.  Maybe it's all the rain in the area and people are thinking Noah's ark and need to shack up with someone in the end.

My ex called me the other night an emotional mess.  I didn't pick up since I always want to evaluate where she's at before I go putting my hand in that food processor.  She wanted to talk to someone who would understand why her father's death would be so great to her.  Her best friend and myself seem to be it since the rest of the family doesn't care as much.  Like the old days, I gave her some options on different grief groups that she could look into since the one she went for her mom worked well.  It just wasn't available anymore.  It was a very weird conversation to say the least.  The best part of it was I got to find out how Eric was doing through all this from someone else.  She said he was still angry over the death and that he was trying to make her happy.  He's so my son.  She did end with apologizing for everything she "might" have done over the years. I love the term might.  Takes the whole responsibility right out of there. 


Saturday morning I awoke with a voice mail done at 7:40 am.  Who the hell are these people that are awake this early?  I know it's not me.  Anyway I listen and its a woman named Karen who knows me from a while ago and wants to know if I'm working that day.  I don't know any Karen's except for a patient that was just in the night before.  Plus she called me Mike.  So I'm trying to think through my dating history.  It takes several listen throughs before I realize its Kitcat.  She kept my number?  Then she text the same question.  After a while I just text her back that no I wasn't working and to call the office Monday for an appointment.  After her acknowledgment she asked how I was doing. I didn't answer that part.  I'll be happy to take her money, but that is it.  So we'll see.  I probably should pass her on to someone else. 

A Letter to My Son


Hey Eric,

How are you doing?  I was very saddened to hear about your grandfather dying.  I know that you were very close to him. 

I’ve had several people who I was close to die over the years.  It’s never easy even though I know that death is a part of life.  For most of them like my Mom and my grandmother it was easier.  They had lived a full life and at the end they were suffering.  Even though I would miss them I didn’t want them to suffer just too still be with me which I thought as being selfish. 

One thing I learned from Grandma Aleja was that to give people their roses while they were alive and not when they were dead.  This meant do what you need to do when the people you care about are alive.  Tell them that you love them and enjoy your time with them.  You can’t do that once they’re gone. 

The hardest death I’ve had to deal with was a friend of mine named Linda who died in her thirties due to cancer.  She died young and we had lost communication between us the year or two before she died.  That was hard for me since I didn’t get to say anything before she died. 

I can imagine that you’re world has been tossed upside down at the moment.  I also know that your mom has taken this death very hard.  Please know that your mom and I will still take care of you even with me so far away. 

The biggest thing is always saying goodbye to the person and how to memorialize them.  For the people that were close to me there was always something of theirs that connected me to them.  Like my grandmother had a plaque on her kitchen wall always made me think of her.  So I asked for it when she died.  You may want to think about what makes you think of your grandfather and ask your mom for that so you can stay connected to him.

On saying goodbye, I have a good prayer that may help you.

Grandpa or Jim (whatever works for you) thank you for all you have given me.  You have impacted my life with your love, your caring and your wisdom.  Now that you are gone, I will carry all your love and everything I learned fro you within me.  The essence of who you were as a person will live within me and within others.  You will continue to give the world as we pass on to others what we learned from you.  I will miss you, but will have joy in remembering all you meant to me.  Each thing you touched will bring you to mind.  Your laugh, your smile, your words will resound in my mind and heart.  Good bye dear one (or you can use his name). 

I hope this helps you as you grieve over him.  Also remember everyone needs to grieve and at their own pace.  Just as you are sad so is your mom.  You won’t be able to cheer her up nor will it be your job.  She just needs to go through her grieving too.

As always you can call or write me anytime.

I love you Cheeky and I always will no matter what.

Dad

Porn Mentality

Today I had my monthly neighborhood business meeting.  As usual as we looked around, attendance was low.  While we would have liked it to be because of the rain, we know its just people don't see it as worth their wild.  It's a porn view of life.  Marketing and porn have very similar philosophies.  Stay with me please.  What's the usual porn story line?  It's an office.  Receptionist hard at or hardly working.  It doesn't matter. Delivery guy struts in with pizza, mail, live chicken, whatever.  Woman is overcome by this guy's presentation that she starts popping out of her clothes and immediately drops to her knees.  Cue 70's funk music as she goes to town on the guy.  Bow chick wow wow.

Marketing believes that if you give the right presentation people will just drop what their doing and go after you and your product.  How does this relate to today's meeting?  Well let me tell you.  I know many people will come to a meeting, pass a few business cards around, and shake some hands then go back to their business and wait for the people to come barging into get whatever they are selling.  When that happens they assume it didn't work and move on.  They forget the power of the strut and a live chicken.

It's like gym memberships. 84% if people will drop out in 2-3 weeks.  That means 200 people will join on January 2nd and by the 21st 168 people will have dropped out.  Why?  They don't look like all the models on the magazine covers.  So it doesn't work and are happy just to say they "have" a membership.  

So I'm trying to stay out of the porn mentality today.  I know all this, but I can forget and slide back.  However the Comic is stopping by today so maybe bow chick wow wow.   

I Really Like Her

I laid next to the Comic last night in that last hour period before I would head on home.  Entangled in our limbs I realized that I really could go the distance with this woman.  It was a startling awareness.  The longest I've dated besides my ex was 4 months and the Comic and I are quickly coming up on that.  Not that I'm looking to find a ring anytime soon, but it was nice to know that I'm very happy with the way things are going.

The weekend was fun and packed as usual.  We spent 6 hours down at the Oceanfront Saturday attending the Neptune Festival.  Most of the time was looking at all the different arts and crafts.  I picked up a nice plaque for my wall which I'll have to take a picture for you.  The Comic did well with some nice jewelry and a frog for her car.  She loves the one I have in my car that hangs from the mirror.  So she wanted one too when she saw the artist on Saturday.  We never made it down to see the sand sculpture contest.  We got to see the pictures and they're impressive as ever.  We did get a chance to see some of the volleyball tournament.  Watching them you could see the difference between men and women.  The women were playing a very competitive game, but the men play in your face.  It's just testosterone fueled aggression. 

The Comic wants to hire me to get her out of the bed everyday since I do it effortlessly.  Hey my chiropractic training comes in handy in many ways.  She was tired and sore from all our walking in the heat Saturday.  However I wasn't missing out on the gym over the weekend.  So with a 1 and a 2 she was up and out of the bed.  Actually she was happy after we worked out since she was dreading it beforehand.  

Today was my annual physical, well actually biannual for me.  It's funny since they all say its been so long since they've seen me.  Sorry I just don't get sick, it's nothing personal.  My doctor always says, "I have to ask," before she asks if I want a flu shot or any other vaccinations.  Since I stopped taking them years ago I stopped getting sick.  Now its off to the dermatologist some time soon.  I have something on my arm.  We both said it wasn't cancer anything, but had no clue what it was.  

Tonight I'll try to contact Eric again.  Just trying to keep the contact with him so he doesn't completely close down.  I remember how it was when I was that age which is what I'll try to share with him.  He usually likes my stories of how I did stuff and remembers them well.  So I'm hoping it will work here. 

My Greatest Fear

I finally got Eric tonight on the phone. I didn't think he was going to pick up since it went past the usual amount of rings. We talked about school and such.  His no longer having band confused me so I kept asking questions about it.  After a while he started to fall apart.  It was the he couldn't understand what I was saying again.  He then copped to the fact that his grandfather had died.  The funeral had been held this week.  We talked about how he was doing, but he is my son.  He was sad, but didn't say too much.  I pried into how he was sleeping and feeling.  He said okay.  I told him he could call me anytime to talk.  It may not be much, but I always want to have that door open for him.  I shared how I had dealt with my Mom this week, but I don't think he wanted to deal.  Before getting off the line I asked him on how his mother was doing.

This is what I've been dreading for the last 20 years.  My ex's father dying.  She's been saying how it would destroy her since I met her and now it's come through.  I'm happy it was a slow decline like my Mother so she could deal with it better.  However she's not right so who know's how its going over there. 

At least I know why Eric hasn't been calling.  He would have pulled back to avoid his Mom plus talking to me would make him have to deal with it all.  I know how I would have acted at his age.  So this brings up a lot of stuff for me.  I feel sad and helpless for my son.  It brings up my losses over the year.  It brings up my fears for the last 20 years with my ex.  So it's a but of a rough night.  I'm doing well hanging with the Comic.  As always she's a good place for insight.

Fun Stuff for Free

The Comic informed me last night that she does more with me than she's done with anyone.  I reminded her that's what I said in my profile.  I don't want to talk about doing stuff, I want to do it.  She wasn't complaining.  She was very happy and wish she knew someone like me when she was younger.  To my friends I'm the master of the cheap activity.  I may bristle at this even though they mean it as a compliment.  I know they go out with others and it can be a strain on their wallets.  You can go out with me all weekend long, have fun, see plenty, and not break the bank.  I'm trying to be more grateful for my ability to do this. 

When I was with Asp and Kitcat going out to do stuff was not happening.  It's a lifestyle I don't enjoy.  The funny thing is that I'm not a social butterfly, but I do enjoy enjoying life.  I didn't do it for most of my early adult life.  So now I'm making up for it.

A bit of codependency going on today.  One of the members of my business group dropped out.  He made a rational decision since he wasn't benefiting to much from it.  However he wasn't doing much to get anything.  I knew if he applied himself more it would work out, but that's not my responsibility.  I just have to remember that.  

Still silence from Eric.  

Under The Bus

Well last night approximately 24 hours after doing my Mom's ashes I was hit by a bus.  Not a real one, but let me tell you the emotional one was just as bad.  I could have closed my eyes, curled up, and slept in the street.  It just felt like a hole opened up beneath me and sucked all my energy out of me.  It was really uncomfortable as you probably can imagine.  I decided to be good to myself and headed over to Panera for a quick dinner before heading home to relax. As usual, I don't like feeling helpless and last night was no exception.  I'm better today, but I do still feel the emotional hangover effects.  

As the Comic and I continue to grow closer and explore new frontiers.  I wonder how much or when to share with her certain things.  Marriage and childhood stuff has already been done.  However that I knew what and when to do from past relationships.  However I've never been in a relationship since my marriage long enough to wonder when I should start talking finances and money.  Any suggestions out there?

Since I no longer get together with my business coach I've signed up for the special that my state association has with one of the chiropractic business groups.  It was a inexpensive amount per month for the year.  I know after the year they will try to sign me up which will get them the same answer they got 4 years, no.  While their one seminar I did with them did help.  It wasn't worth the $1000 a month price tag for 2 years.  If I was looking to gouge people I would think about it, but it just doesn't balance out for me.   

In My Dreams - Courtney C


This time my possible future wife is Courtney Cox. The interesting thing is that I find her more attractive as she gets older. I thought she was okay looking in Friends, but I think she is way hotter now in her own show Cougar Town.



Saying Goodbye

Since I've been on this kick of doing stuff no matter how much it bothers me. Pretty much what would I do if I wasn't scared. So I finally took care of my Mom's ashes. Since it was pretty cool here last night there was no need for me to change into my shorts. I might have looked out of place in my work clothes, a discman, and a kid's pail and shovel. Hey don't judge me. I was a bit anxious with the few beach goers that were around, but most didn't give me a second look. I played Neil Diamond's "Holly Holy" which just worked for me. I made a small ditch below the water line and spread her ashes there so that water could spread them out. I also took a bit and tossed it into the wind since its traditional. It was a beautiful night for it. I had a nice full moon on my right side and a beautiful sunset on the left. I didn't really have much to say as I listened to the music. So I wrote, "I love you Mom" in the sand. In the beginning I was a bit sad, but that was quickly washed away with just a nice clean feeling. A bit hard to explain. It felt good to get it done and close another chapter in my life.

Still no contact with Eric. I'll try again tonight since there was no pick up on his end, plus my ex still hasn't finalized his voice mail. On the other end I still haven't heard any response to my 2 texts I sent her for information about Eric for his health insurance. I guess it wasn't that important.

Since I had a large window this morning of free time I went to the Starbucks that is suppose to be the replacement for my old one. OMG I hate that place. It was always a unorganized mess in there. Too many tables and chairs for the space. Now with the extra business it was a nightmare of noise and disjointed seating arrangements.

That's How I Fall

The week started out all planned and packed with patients and events. Wow, let me tell you how fast that house of cards fell yesterday. My 3 day health fair was rescheduled and I wasn't informed which left this gaping hole in my schedule during the middle of the week. Then my record day of 11 patients ended leaving only 3 after the dust had settled. I do have to admit that the good thing through it all was that I was didn't take it personally and keep myself from dropping into the hole of pessimism. I tell you a woman can turn me down and it doesn't phase me, but with work it's hard not to take it personally. So the week is still a good week and I'm using the holes to good use with marketing.

One of the women that was a roommate back when I lived with the landlord came in yesterday for treatment. I'm sure I had a nickname for her, but for the life of me I can't figure which one if any. Anyhow it was good talking to her. Honestly I was surprised to hell to see her. However pain will make people do many strange things. We got to talk about the landlord and I was surprised that she was still pretty upset with his death. However it was her first close death which did explain a lot.

Speaking of death. I'm going to try to spread my Mom's ashes either tonight or tomorrow. They're starting to become a permanent fixture in my trunk and too easy to make a joke about. Not that I don't mind the jokes, but it's just starting to take too long to get it done. So I packed everything in the car this morning. Not quite sure what I'll say, but I'll do fine.

I'm going to try and track down Eric tonight and talk to him. I want to see if there is some reason for their being a problem every time we talk. The first hurdle will be getting him on the phone. I doubt if I'll get an answer, but I have to try. I can't expect him to get over his fears if I can't do the same.


Witches and Warplanes

As it is becoming the norm it was a fun filled weekend with the Comic. She even joked that she was my comic relief. Saturday was one of a few days that she has come to the office with me while I treat a few patients. It's nice to hear from her how my patients sing my praises.
Afterwards we went to the Autumn Moon festival which was also known as the pagan pride festival. I guess everyone has to have pride day to themselves. It was a fun event and we got to look at all the stuff that was for sale. The Comic got a nice, knitted poncho.
The rest of the day was filled with working out at the gym and a thrift store. I did score Finding Nemo on dvd plus a nice Buddha statue. We were going to make tacos at the house, but after we decided on everything that was needed and what had to be done we decided on Taco Bell. It was easier, quicker, and cheaper. I was very happy with their new ranchero menu which replaces the cheese which I can't eat with ranchero topping. Yummy.
Yesterday we headed over to NAS Oceana to see the air show. It was lots of fun and enjoyable since I had chairs this year. Standing on the concrete in the blazing sun isn't fun. We got to see all different types of planes, from gliders, to prop planes. A great British parachute team. The Shockwave was also there. It's a truck with 3 jet engines slapped to it to make it go really fast. When it was belching fire and smoke, I was feeling like I was at a red neck cook out. However watching it zoom down the track at 345 mph was pretty impressive I have to admit. The best part of the show for me was watching the Raptor perform. The maneuverability of the jet was amazing. From almost 90 degree turns to tight high speed
turns.
The Comic and I did end of having a bit of a heart to heart yesterday. It wasn't planned and I don't even know how it came up. Mostly it covered her low self esteem and how it affects her. She brought it up and tried to motivate her to move in a better direction. The Comic will always say she is better when she is with me so I pointed out how that wasn't a inside change. I reminded her of how she was the week Eric was here and she had a lot of problems. I care about her very much, but I know this is our limiting factor. I inferred how it would affect us positively, but focused more on how her life would be better. Showing her examples which she agreed with. Now its just seeing what she does.

The Night that Was


Last night I went out with the Comic to her friend's birthday bash at a hibachi place. I don't meet many of the Comic's friends since she is a bit ashamed of them. While she is okay with the birthday girl, it was her friends that are the problem. The birthday girl is one of those people who can't stand to be alone so always has friends with her. She collects them so there is always an abundance of them. The problem is that there is no cohesiveness to the group since everyone pretty much doesn't like the next. You gotta love it.

Now to add to the soup. The Comic was having horrible cramps so she was downing the sake to help with it. She didn't get drunk which I was happy for since I would of had a hard time with it. Like I told her I don't like my loved ones drinking and having their personality change. The Comic did change just being around these people. Her position is the court jester for the group. I was happy she didn't perform for the crowd, but she did act different than she did with me which was a bit unsettling.

The other ingredient in the dysfunctional night was that the owner and our chef had gotten stung by a sting ray in their fish tank. So he downed plenty of liquor, and given 4 medications including Vicodin for the pain. Yes get those knives and flames going. Actually he did a good show, although it took forever for him to start.

Last off I'm wondering if I should talk to Eric. I called him last night and he told me the phone was full of static and could we talk another time. Besides him calling me last Sunday, every time I've called him in the last few weeks has been met with some reason for us not to talk. It's really starting to bother me.
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