My Greatest Fear

I finally got Eric tonight on the phone. I didn't think he was going to pick up since it went past the usual amount of rings. We talked about school and such.  His no longer having band confused me so I kept asking questions about it.  After a while he started to fall apart.  It was the he couldn't understand what I was saying again.  He then copped to the fact that his grandfather had died.  The funeral had been held this week.  We talked about how he was doing, but he is my son.  He was sad, but didn't say too much.  I pried into how he was sleeping and feeling.  He said okay.  I told him he could call me anytime to talk.  It may not be much, but I always want to have that door open for him.  I shared how I had dealt with my Mom this week, but I don't think he wanted to deal.  Before getting off the line I asked him on how his mother was doing.

This is what I've been dreading for the last 20 years.  My ex's father dying.  She's been saying how it would destroy her since I met her and now it's come through.  I'm happy it was a slow decline like my Mother so she could deal with it better.  However she's not right so who know's how its going over there. 

At least I know why Eric hasn't been calling.  He would have pulled back to avoid his Mom plus talking to me would make him have to deal with it all.  I know how I would have acted at his age.  So this brings up a lot of stuff for me.  I feel sad and helpless for my son.  It brings up my losses over the year.  It brings up my fears for the last 20 years with my ex.  So it's a but of a rough night.  I'm doing well hanging with the Comic.  As always she's a good place for insight.