Whimpers From Jello

I was at a loss for a title today so I grabbed a song title off an old Fugs album. Anyway it's been multiple nights now of weird dreams since my friend's dad died. I guess my subconscious is processing how it will be when my Mom dies. Physically it will be a little weird since she wants to be cremated so nothing will happen for 7 days until I get her ashes back. Since I'm the only one down here and everyone is back in NY I'll travel back up there to spread her ashes on the beach which was her wishes. I don't know if I would put a time limit on how long I would do that. The dreams I guess are a reflection of my childhood in a bizarre way. Boundary issues, abuse, and just plain fucked up shit. It's not the nice graceful slide through my usual dreams, but kind of a mucky molasses. It's a slow move through it and it seems to still cling to me once I've awoken.

While I was sitting in my shrink's office this morning I heard a voice I knew, but I couldn't place. It turned out to be a guy I know and have known most of the time since I've lived in VA. Beach. It was nice to know I have changed in good ways from his view. Something I knew, but it's nice to hear. The reason it was good to see him was because here is a person who doesn't take care of himself in any aspect. You could see it in his eyes. I've been there so I know the look and I happy to have a little reminder of it with out having to relive it myself.

Dating seems to be on hiatus for the moment. After writing this entry I realize it is because I am processing things and I normally shy away from it during that time. I was wondering what was going on since I asked someone out Friday or Saturday. Since then I've been interested, but haven't done anything with anyone I've met. Also I was planning on heading over to an old salsa place that I use to go to possible meet someone. However I haven't had the umph to do it all week. Now I know why. Not saying that won't change in the next 24 hours.