I seem to have found myself in a funk and not quite sure how I got here. If I had to pick the top two reasons I would say that one would be the Comics drunken texting. While nothing was weird or abusive. I got song lyrics and how much she cares about me all with a drunken flavor. While friends and loved ones drinking in front of me no longer bother me, drunken behavior still sets something off in me. It's an old tape of when I was young with my Dad. Just needing to separate the past from the present.
The other is one of my friends made some bad decisions over the last few days and he wonders how it's going to affect his wife. This has been coming on for a while and we talked about it. While I know I handled myself well in talking with him I feel a bit affected by it. Whether it again is accessing old tapes or not I can't tell.
Last night was my saying goodbye to a few things. The place where I've been living for the last 5 years and my Mom. I imagined the house like it use to be when the landlord was alive. I'm happy that so much has changed since it really forces me to realize that it will never be the same again. Even with his passing, the want to hold on to the past was still strong. My Mom was easier. I mostly just had a normal conversation, although one sided, with her while I took care of my laundry. The biggest thing I had realized over the last week and vocalized last night is that now with my Mom gone that desire for someone to take care of me is gone. I always knew it was a childhood desire still to be taken care of since I kind of grew up like a feral child taking care of myself. That desire to be taken cared of has lead me down many a bad roads. Hopefully it's fully gone now.
I have to admit I really enjoyed the night by myself and will set up Sunday, Monday, and Thursday as my nights by myself. It was good and refreshing. I'll talk to the Comic about it. I know she'll understand, but not like it. While she has many great qualities, fusion isn't one of them. I know she would be happy for us to be together 24/7. I like her being part of my life, not my life. We've had this conversation before so it will be nothing new.
I'll leave you today with a WTF moment. I got a friend request on Facebook this morning from guess who? Yep Kitcat. 2 months nothing and now this, oye. I ignored it. If we had spoken and then ended it I would have no problem, but now ? I don't think so. My guess is that she wants someone to do stuff with again and I was a nice guy. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Her loss.