Going Sane in a Crazy World

My journey through life and the lessons I learn to help me grow spiritually.

Sane Friends

A Ghost of a Remark

I am truly amazed at how a helpful suggestion pushed me into a 3 hour emotional spin.  Last night the Comic and I were suppose to go on a Ghost walk in the next town over.  They do it once a year just before Halloween.  I had tickets in advance so their would be no troubles.  

However yesterday the Comic's sister fell and hurt herself.  She took her sister to Urgent care to get checked out since she was in a lot of pain and severely swollen.  However it took a long while to get processed.  So the Comic called to suggest that I go by myself so it wouldn't be a total waste of money.  I was going to make the remark that I blew plenty in incidents like this when I was married, but I didn't. I told her that I would pass since I really wanted to go with her.  We then made backup plans for when she was finished.

However I was in a funk after that and I couldn't put my finger on why.  The Comic did call later and say that she was finished and we decided to try to get to a later walk.  We decided to meet up and then go in one car. Since she had the distance to cover I was going to grab food for us.  

Well the event wasn't meant to be for us.  Both tunnels were congested for miles and we decided to just go home.  Actually the Comic suggested on visiting a few places to browse, but I just wasn't in the mood.  I dropped her off at her car so we could drive to my place.  I tried to put names to how I felt.  The biggest being I just wanted to lie down, shut my eyes, and be held.  I felt like I wanted to cry.  My mind felt very muddled. 

When we got everything into my place and got into comfy clothes I just curled up on the bed and closed my eyes.  The Comic and I started to talk and I said I didn't know why, but I had a tail end of it when this started.  Then I remembered the remark I was going to say.

The remark reminded me of how my marriage had been.  Their had been plenty of times when I had gotten tickets for us and my ex had decided not to go at the last minute.  Tickets to the Broadway show Rent and a vacation to Cancun were on the top of the list.  It was just the insanity that I lived in then since there was no rhyme or reason.

The Comic connected my behavior with my ex since she said I had been short with her on the phone with getting something to eat.  She knew it wasn't my normal behavior.  I was happy to have her take my apology in good spirits.  

The weirdest thing was that as soon as I was finished talking about the event, the funk was gone.  It was just an experience that I never fully dealt with emotionally.  Like my old therapist use to say.  You always bury your feelings alive and at some point they will come back to haunt you.  Hey just in time for Halloween.

Speeding By

Wow a whole week without a post.  Keep meaning to do it, but then I was home with no computer.  This week has been busy as hell.  While actual business is up a little it was seminar last weekend that has filled this week up.  I originally wasn't looking forward to the seminar, but it kept my attention for 12 hours.  Mostly through fear.  It was on risk management and documentation.  The speaker started off with malpractice stats down to 1 in 6 doctors are now being sued since it was an easy 35k or at least that's what the attorneys are saying.  So it's a ton more paperwork for you to fill out when you go to your doctor's office.  All my extra time this week is changing forms around and making sure there are no leaks in my business.  The hardest part was vomiting all the information out of my skull so I can comprehend it all.  My brain was sore and full after I left the first day of listening.

It was very interesting when the Comic and I were eating the other night to have her say, "when we get married...".  Honestly it didn't phase me in the least, it was just different.  Mostly because when my ex use to talk about it I would freak.  This time around I'm okay with it.  I'm not looking to get married tomorrow and the Comic has no timetable, but we do really like each other.  Both of us are starting to include the other in long term plans.  So I guess it's a natural extension of the thought process.  Pretty cool though.

I don't think that I mentioned that my ex had Eric call me to say that he didn't want to fly down here during the school year.  I usually can tell where it's coming from when he calls and doesn't get to the point right away.  He avoids it like the plague.  So I guess I'll be driving up for a while longer.  My ex was fast to follow up wondering if I was going to cover Eric with health insurance so she doesn't have to prove how much money she isn't making.  Part of me wants to tell her to go screw herself, but like always it concerns Eric so it will happen.  

Hopefully I will be able to stay more regular again with entries while I make changes here at the office.  I'm trying to keep my blog reader under 100 entries, but it's a battle I'm losing.

Old Tapes a Playing

I'll be sequestered most of this coming weekend behind closed doors for my continuing education credits.  Since I won't be seeing much of the Comic and our relationship time is important to me I decided to take this morning off so we could spend some time together.  We had made a bathroom pit stop on our window shopping expedition.  So while the Comic was using the facilities I was looking at my Facebook and got 2 free tickets to see J. Medicine Hat tonight at the Funny Bone.  When the Comic came out, she asked if I would mind if she left to go see help her cousin who was moving and would be back Saturday.  

I told her I didn't mind, but I pointed out she was doing her usual of putting everyone else first and herself last, something I know well.  We talked for awhile on it and I asked her to go tomorrow so we could spend tonight together like we had planned.  However I was in a bit of a tailspin.  This change of direction of her brought up old feelings.  Whether it is healthy or not, I have a pecking order in my mind.  My Mom use to knock me off it when a man came in her life so I'm extremely sensitive to it.  So the Comic's quick change of who she was doing things with really bothered me.  

At our next stop I told her I was bothered and the reason.  She apologized and said I was important to her, but that she has been alone for so long she sometimes doesn't take the other person into view.  So we both got to talk about how we were feeling and to come closer.  She's going to stay with me tonight and head up to her cousin's for 2 days and be back for a Halloween party Saturday night.

A question for you all.  We went to the movies with the singles last night.  Asp who never comes out, came.  She and others sat someplace else in the theater.  Should I be telling the Comic who I've dated before or after hand these women.  I was going to tell her after wards since Asp is flaky on making it out.  Since we never interacted I didn't say anything.  Views?  

Meanderings of the Mind

The Comic and I went to the Stockley Gardens Art show Saturday to look at all the art and jewelry.  It was the first fall show that hasn't been miserable in a long while.  We both picked up a few items. I originally didn't think I was going to get anything since I wasn't seeing anything I liked.  However I found the artist who I picked up her Guardian Angel pick which I liked last year.  I enjoyed her enchanted tree picture, but her Earth Angel was my decision since it would work well with what I already had on my wall.  So when I was finished paying for it, the Comic asked for her card.  She pointed out that she had Michael the archangel after it. The way she said it hit a chord in me so I went back and got one.  However her husband went to their car to get me a different matted one because she said my favorite color was blue.  She was right, but it was really weird since I didn't mention it nor was I blue boy clothes wise that day.
It was a beautiful day Sunday so I took the Comic to sit out on the water and have some steamed shrimp.  It reminded me of my first few years of life growing up on the water.  Plus the few good memories of my Dad and I which involved fishing and ham sandwiches.  Mostly because he was more involved with me when we were on the boat instead of when we were at his place or bars.  

The Comic and I laid around last night looking at my room with all the new decorations in it.  She brought up things 5 years from now.  So I asked her what her plans were for then.  She was hesitant to say them less she jinx herself.  However we both agreed that we wanted to be together then.  We talked about what kind of place would be nice to live.   It was the first time in a long time I've talked about a future with someone.  It was very nice. 

Working Hard

I tell you trying to work at a higher performance level is mentally tiring. Mostly because I'm pushing the envelope in areas that I try to avoid.  At the least just dip my toes in.  However it did help me generate more money this week which I have to remember to keep doing it.  I also understand why they really push having the time off to regenerate yourself.  I've gotten much better with that over the years, but I really see it now.  I also see that in the coming years I'll need to change my game plan about having someone work for me in the office.  I can still treat 80-100 patients a day like I use to since it's fun and easy.  However money collection, appointments, etc. just drain the shit out of me.  So my goal now is to get a second room going and then cut hours to the the times that I have patients, concentrating when I busy to make it really busy.

Finally catching up on blogs.  I think I have only 50 entries left.  Hey I even commented on my own comments. So I'm getting there.  Starting a new life is always difficult since you need to grieve for the old one.  

Bidding Fun

After a loud commotion one night that nearly gave the Comic a heart attack I decided I needed bookends for my shelf.  I've been looking for a while and nothing caught my eye until I found a pair of brass dragon ones on Craig's List.  The guy wanted $4 for them.  I had my doubts, but I trudged down to the southern part of the city the other night to get them.  I knocked on the door to be greeted by an older Chinese lady.  I told her what I was there for and she looked at me strange.  Than she called out to Julian to see if he knew what I was talking about.  So I'm thinking it's her son.  When this short, old Chinese man shows up I was proven wrong.  After about 10 minutes of me standing around he informs me he can't find them. Ugh.  I tell him to email me if he does find them. One day later I'm the proud owner of pretty cool bookends.  

I usually keep an eye open for items that I would like if the price is right.  I was surprised to find a Motoko Kusanagi figure for only $1.75 on Ebay yesterday.  The auction would end that night and no one had bid high.  I figured I would have a good shot at getting it for a cheap price.  The Comic has very little history with Ebay so she wanted to sit with me in the last few minutes to see if I won it.  She was cute and wanted to do a 10 second count down.  However in the last 5 seconds the price jumped $25.  Boy you should have seen her.   She was angry and brooding after wards like she had lost.  It was pretty funny.  She was surprised that I didn't bid more, but like I told her.  Everything has a price for me plus I know what is more important that I need to do with my money.  Oh well I'll keep looking.

Birthday Plans

As the Comic joked, I unclenched my ass and pulled out a few coins.  I'm not a cheap person by nature, but I do have prices in my mind for everything.  Plus I know what I need to pay for in the coming future which will be a visit to see Eric next month.  However since it's my birthday next month I always try to get myself something special.  I'm not much a material guy so most things I want are small like a DVD or book.  I know doesn't seem exciting, but I enjoy them.  The stuff I really enjoy is doing stuff which can't be packaged.  

So anyway, the other day on my Facebook page I saw that ad for the Ultramarine movie and I was like WTF?  I'm a big Games Workshop fan even though I haven't played the games for years I still enjoy their books to read.  Anyway they made a movie which is really cool  Yes I'm geeking out so don't judge me.  The speed bump was that it's $40 for a movie which just doesn't work for me in my value system.  However I know that Games Workshop is the only one that will put it out and being British doesn't help.  So I forked the money over much to the Comics laughter.  It should be here around my birthday which will work out great.    

Stolen Innocence

Being at a milestone in my relationship with the Comic did one thing for me, push me away from her.  While I kept myself tethered to her over the last few days doing all my normal stuff that I would do in a relationship.  I didn't feel the connection like I had been.   
It came up last night when we were talking about my stuff in my room.  Some parts of it still don't feel like mine, while others I've owned.  The Comic pointed out that so much of my life was ripped away from me that I would feel apprehensive about enjoying my stuff again.  And their it was.  Why I was feeling unconnected to her?  The Comic is important to me and I love her very much.  So there is a lot of chance to be hurt if I lose her like I've loss things and people before.  So as usual, I started backing out the door a little.  Not fully out, but I was making sure I was protected if everything was pulled away.  Health?  Sane?  No.  I know that, but it's reflexive.  It was nice to talk to her about it and have her accept it.  Plus having her reaffirm to me how much I mean to her was very helpful.  I have to admit that is her best quality.  The Comic always affirms where I am in her life which is a good thing for me. 

Bit tired today.  I went over early to see the Comic and family in the hospital since her mom is having surgery today.  I've come to know her mom pretty well since we end up talking twice a week when she comes in for treatment.  I still find it weird to have an adopted family that I cherish more than my blood one. 

Full Steam Ahead

Sorry I haven't been around in a few days. The weekends are now a pretty much no blog zone since the Comic and I are out someplace doing something.  However I couldn't pass up the good news that today marks 4 months with the Comic.  Applause please.  4 months is my record which was held with the Planner 2 years ago.  Actually this is about the time we broke up.  Anyhow like OVDC pointed out I really don't have any complaints or concerns with the Comic so we are still full steam ahead.

Anyhow about not blogging as much.  I'm trying to concentrate my energy at work to be on work.  Yes I know shockingI'm going through Facebook and Google reader withdrawal.  However I'm getting more done which is important in making more money which is my goal.  Reviewing my stats showed me I'm down 30% in new patients this year which is huge and the reason I'm making less money this year.  I'm really feeling the loss of those extra dollars since I don't have much excess yet.  So I'm cutting out the fat and doing my recreational Internet activities after hours.  Tonight I didn't feel like bringing the laptop home so I'm doing this before I shoot out of here.  

I have to admit I did "slip" a few times and do some surfing, but it was minimal.  I'll be starting a 12 step group on it by the end of the week.  Besides celebrating 4 months today the best thing that happened was that I walked out of my business meeting today with no responsibilities.  Well I still have some since I hold a minor position, but it was so nice to be talk to him, that's his job now.    

Reached My Limit

This year I'll be 44 and while I feel great physically, I'm starting to see my mental capacity starting to decline.  I'm having a hard time accepting my lack of ability to multitask like I use to.  3 things going on at once is now my limit if not one toke over the line.  I'm so use to being able to do so much that now to have a limit is really difficult for me.  

Yesterday was the perfect example.  We had our Fire fighter appreciation day here without any fire fighter showing up for any free stuff.  I asked the secretaries if they wanted and free 10 minute massage since we had the time and they left heel marks on my forehead as they ran in the office.  Anyway just trying to keep track of my stuff, the massage therapists, and then the office really knocked me for a loop.  At the end of the day when the Comic came by to go to dinner I was forgetting to the lock the door.  Having a hard time finishing thoughts.  It was embarrassing.

The highlight of the day was when I was examining a new patient.  I was checking muscle strength and both my arms were in use when I felt something in my nose.  I could feel it was one of those dry flakes hanging in there.  So my plan was to just wipe my nose as soon as I had use of my hands.  Well it had another plan.  It just dropped right out.  I don't think the patient noticed, but I was mortified to say the least.  At least it wasn't as bad as the doctor drooling on Larry David in Curb your Enthusiasm.  This didn't touch anyone.   

The Games People Play

As any person knows there are plenty of people out there trying to separate you from your money.  I know I'm on several mailing lists of outed rulers of foreign countries needing my help with their finances.  My being a helpful guy must be getting around.  

A few weeks ago I got a message from a guy from Britain wanting to get care for his employees while they were here for a month.  Naturally I'm suspicious of this kind of stuff, but I do hold a grain of salt to all of them.  Why you might ask?  Well a few months back I got one of these suspicious emails in my box from someone in Korea wanting treatment while they were here visiting.  Like crazy people if you give them enough time they show their true faces.  Hey I've been in enough relationships to see this happen.  Anyway the lady from Korea was truthful, believe me I was shocked to when she showed up for treatment.  

However my boys from across the pond are the usual scam type.  There's the promise of a lot of business, but payment is through this long convuluted way which you would need a PhD in metaphysics to understand.  Oh well I'll miss my pen pal from the water.

The last one is a true pain in the ass.  My answering service seems to be milking me and me with out boobs makes it quite painful.  Since my bill doubled last month I asked for a breakdown of the calls.  How someone talked 15 minutes to leave a message is beyond me.  So my service could be ending soon if they can't correct this problem.  

In My Dreams - Mariska

Does anyone remember Mariska Hargitay in Seinfeld?  She applied for the role of Elaine in the Jerry Pilot.  She had long hair and looked smoking hot. When Law & Order SVU (I always want to say SUV) came on years later she still looked good, but I do miss the long hair.  If she grows that hair back out I may find myself down on one knee.

I'm Turning Japanese

Since the weather has finally started to cool off here I went to my storage unit to finish purging stuff.  I still have boxes of stuff from 6 years ago when I was still married.  The Comic helped me out greatly.  She'll just say she stood around while I did all the heavy stuff.  However just like I'm color blind and can't tell certain things the same goes for tossing stuff out.  

I've moved a lot in life and have gotten so use to stuff being tossed out that it's hard for me to determine what should stay and what should go.  I usually go with how hard is it to decide to keep or not. Hence having stuff in their for 6 years.  

Anyway I was going through one box and I found a fantasy knife I had bought almost 10 years ago.  I had thought it very cool, but my ex didn't and it ended up in a box.  So when I saw it Saturday I handed it to the Comic to give to her son since I knew he would like it.  The Comic took one look at it and feel in love with it and told me I had to keep it since it was way cool.

So I took a step out on a limb and showed her all my Japanese anime stuff I had stored.  I've always loved it, but never really found a woman who did.  So again it was packed away.  The Comic had me take this out too and we ran around yesterday looking for a display for them all.  We finally when with a media cabinet and spent an hour or so putting it together and placing everything.  Plus I had to give background on everything which was fun.

It was nice re-attaching parts of myself that I had either loss or just shunned for so long.  Also to have someone I care about want me to and want to share it with me was the best.

Boomerang Women

It seems its old flame week here in my region.  Don't think its a full moon so I'm not quite sure what's causing it all.  Maybe it's all the rain in the area and people are thinking Noah's ark and need to shack up with someone in the end.

My ex called me the other night an emotional mess.  I didn't pick up since I always want to evaluate where she's at before I go putting my hand in that food processor.  She wanted to talk to someone who would understand why her father's death would be so great to her.  Her best friend and myself seem to be it since the rest of the family doesn't care as much.  Like the old days, I gave her some options on different grief groups that she could look into since the one she went for her mom worked well.  It just wasn't available anymore.  It was a very weird conversation to say the least.  The best part of it was I got to find out how Eric was doing through all this from someone else.  She said he was still angry over the death and that he was trying to make her happy.  He's so my son.  She did end with apologizing for everything she "might" have done over the years. I love the term might.  Takes the whole responsibility right out of there. 

Saturday morning I awoke with a voice mail done at 7:40 am.  Who the hell are these people that are awake this early?  I know it's not me.  Anyway I listen and its a woman named Karen who knows me from a while ago and wants to know if I'm working that day.  I don't know any Karen's except for a patient that was just in the night before.  Plus she called me Mike.  So I'm trying to think through my dating history.  It takes several listen throughs before I realize its Kitcat.  She kept my number?  Then she text the same question.  After a while I just text her back that no I wasn't working and to call the office Monday for an appointment.  After her acknowledgment she asked how I was doing. I didn't answer that part.  I'll be happy to take her money, but that is it.  So we'll see.  I probably should pass her on to someone else. 

A Letter to My Son

Hey Eric,

How are you doing?  I was very saddened to hear about your grandfather dying.  I know that you were very close to him. 

I’ve had several people who I was close to die over the years.  It’s never easy even though I know that death is a part of life.  For most of them like my Mom and my grandmother it was easier.  They had lived a full life and at the end they were suffering.  Even though I would miss them I didn’t want them to suffer just too still be with me which I thought as being selfish. 

One thing I learned from Grandma Aleja was that to give people their roses while they were alive and not when they were dead.  This meant do what you need to do when the people you care about are alive.  Tell them that you love them and enjoy your time with them.  You can’t do that once they’re gone. 

The hardest death I’ve had to deal with was a friend of mine named Linda who died in her thirties due to cancer.  She died young and we had lost communication between us the year or two before she died.  That was hard for me since I didn’t get to say anything before she died. 

I can imagine that you’re world has been tossed upside down at the moment.  I also know that your mom has taken this death very hard.  Please know that your mom and I will still take care of you even with me so far away. 

The biggest thing is always saying goodbye to the person and how to memorialize them.  For the people that were close to me there was always something of theirs that connected me to them.  Like my grandmother had a plaque on her kitchen wall always made me think of her.  So I asked for it when she died.  You may want to think about what makes you think of your grandfather and ask your mom for that so you can stay connected to him.

On saying goodbye, I have a good prayer that may help you.

Grandpa or Jim (whatever works for you) thank you for all you have given me.  You have impacted my life with your love, your caring and your wisdom.  Now that you are gone, I will carry all your love and everything I learned fro you within me.  The essence of who you were as a person will live within me and within others.  You will continue to give the world as we pass on to others what we learned from you.  I will miss you, but will have joy in remembering all you meant to me.  Each thing you touched will bring you to mind.  Your laugh, your smile, your words will resound in my mind and heart.  Good bye dear one (or you can use his name). 

I hope this helps you as you grieve over him.  Also remember everyone needs to grieve and at their own pace.  Just as you are sad so is your mom.  You won’t be able to cheer her up nor will it be your job.  She just needs to go through her grieving too.

As always you can call or write me anytime.

I love you Cheeky and I always will no matter what.

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