Talk to the Back of the Hand

Talking with Server guy last night about relationships had me thinking about the Planner this morning when I awoke. I realized I'm still looking to give my heart to someone. While I know that in itself isn't a bad thing I think I try to move things a long to fast. I want to get to that safe point. It wasn't safe growing up so I'm still looking for it.

I tell you I want to give the back of my hand to the person who said life would be easy. I don't know who told it to me when I was young, but I know I believe it in some sense. So someone had to tell me and that person deserves an ass kicking. I'll start interviewing people tomorrow to find out who it was.

It's a quite day here today. I did my usual get up, read the paper, have a cup of tea, and then go back to bed. So I feel nice and rested today for the week. So today has been a day of errands and now I'm at Starbucks getting all my pregnancy stuff done for the office. Since I don't use my extra room much for massage I'm going to add some stuff so new mom's can breast feed in there or change there baby. It won't be so hard so why not. It'll be a nice addition to the office.

Lastly, in this economy I can't believe how restaurants react when I walk in and want to schedule a happy hour for 20 people. I would think they would be getting me a blow job in the back room. It's a lot of people that will be spending money. It's earlier in the evening before the bigger crowds come in. Like my coach always say, "I don't know how businesses stay in business."

Picnics & BBQs

I had some more awareness today of what my business coach points out to me. Since this was the end of the month I finished up my stats and May was the 2nd busiest month of this year which is really good. However it didn't feel that way since my collections were not where I wanted them to be. Last month was a crap month for visits, but collections were excellent so I felt like it was a good month. My emotions drive me and all the work that I did this month that paid off I'm not feeling it. So it's easier for me to lag off and then I start on the up and down roller coaster again.

My weight loss patient came back today which I was happy to see. I was also happy to be able to use all my addiction training to help her with her stuff to help get her back on her wagon. It's a good feeling.

Then I was off to our annual BNI picnic. It was a lot of fun. I got to be on the radio again and they gave me a hat for all my hard work which was nice. It's kind of funny. Everyone knows me as this big networking person, however I'm a shy guy. Let me tell you I don't like these events with talking to everyone. I'm good with all the people I know and I know I do very well with the people I don't, but boy is it just a lot of work. The best person I met today was this old guy I thought of looked like Santa. Turns out that's who he is. He's a professional Santa Claus. It was pretty funny. A few people asked about Mt. Trashmore. Yes it was a city dump which they turned into a park. The big mound there is the big pile of trash.

Afterwards I headed over to Server guy's place for a BBQ. We hung out by the pool talking then cooked up some burgers. We talked about life and the different women in the singles group.

Now I'm home and I'm just beat. All the sun and fresh air has relaxed me and I'm ready to drop

Mmmmm BBQ

Well I'm trying to get my dream team going at work. What that would be is people/businesses that would refer to me. When looking over my book of everyone I know I didn't really have anyone which is usually my problem. So I had to dig around today. I found two midwives in the area that want to work together and will meet with the Monday. I need to rev up new patients coming in to get to higher levels with the office. In other words have a paycheck which would be awesome. I'm soooo tired of struggling.

I watched Shrek last night again. I always forget how much I like that movie. It was sort of Eric's first movie. He was 5 months old for Phantom Menace. This at least was something he could enjoy. I remember he really liked the Jimmy Neutron trailer. There were so many of them that he was ready to go by the time the movie started. We never made it that far into the movie. Anyway one of the reasons I forget about this movie is I still have it on VHS. Boy I shouldn't have said that to my friends. They were all over me to go DVD. I had to explain it so many times that I have many DVD's. I just didn't re-buy the stuff I had on VHS. Still have no reason to waste the money until it breaks.

Tomorrow is BBQ day. After work I have the BNI BBQ at Mt. Trashmore. I sold tickets for the event. They just gave me bracelets to give everyone I sold tickets to. Crap, what a pain. Now I have to haul ass after my last patient so people can get into the festivities. It should be fun and hey all you can eat hamburgers and hot dogs. Woohoo! Afterwards I'm off to Server guy's place for another BBQ. He's doing something more up scaled which will be a nice change.

Foot Prints in the Sand

Well the weather held out for L and me on our weekly hike. The clouds scarred most people away so the beach was wide open for us to walk on. Plus the tide had packed the sand down nice and hard which is a pleasure to walk on. We did get to watch a woman's dog try to get a sand crab. It was determined, but it seemed to know what would happen if his nose got too close to those claws. It was very funny to watch.

L is such a NSA woman. Now being on the other side of dating with her I see that. Especially when she talks about the men she sees. She doesn't want flowers or talking after sex. So I see where we parted years ago. I don't know why she still stays on Match. I would think there would be better places for her. As usual I find it interesting when she starts asking me my future plans of living, relationships, etc.

I was telling my friend Paul today that I can't believe I'm going to be writing to my ex tomorrow and sharing some of my struggles financially since it will affect me seeing Eric over the next few months until I finish paying my Mom's bill off. This the woman that would rake me over the coals with my sharing even though she wanted me to. So it's going to be strange. However she's been different for months now. My hope that this will go over well and will help us work together for Eric. She doesn't share with me much of what goes on there end. I usually hear that second hand from Eric. I guess this will be the litmus test to see how much of this "new" her is real.

Thursday Stuff

Well I got the confirmation today from my ex that Eric wouldn't be flying this year. The consensus was that he wasn't ready. His anxiety is better, but still can be problematic. While I see some of it while we're together, I think the bigger problem is not doing it. It will usually happen once a visit or every other. Usually he won't feel good and want to leave whatever we're doing. Personally I take it from life's point of view. It doesn't stop just because you do. So we usually just sit and relax and wait till he feels better which happens in a few minutes. Then he's back off to the races. Fear and anxieties aren't overcome by not doing. For me that just reinforces them. However this change in plans will mean that it will be a weekend visit for me. The double trip of getting and returning him to NY is too much money for me to absorb now.

I see that this week is reschedule or no show week. I haven't had one of these in a while. I forgot how much they suck. Reschedules aren't my favorite, but they're better than just not showing up.

Well hopefully the weather will hold out for a few more hours. It's Thursday and L and mine weekly beach hike. I'm not quite sure our luck will hold out this week.

Sweet Sleep

It's weird. Usually when I sleep with someone I go into a deeper sleep and have "finishing business" dreams. Dreams that I'm back at some point in my life that I made a unhealthy decision or that I was too young to do so. I relive that time in my dreams with me reacting in a more healthy way. It's weird I know.

I say this because last night even though I was alone I was in a deep slumber. I mean Lazarus level. I processed a lot through it, but I'm still not awake today. All of it I think comes from me finally letting go of the Planner. I knew when I was doing it I was jumping to the Photographer to soon and then it was just a circus ride of women. I made the decision then even knowing I was buying a ticket for these fun house rides which I'll end up going from woman to woman.

On other notes I finally got my prize from Singlemommyhood.com. Yes I know it's for single mom's, but I enjoy reading it and I've always enjoyed women more then men. Anyway it's Sweet Seductions. Woohoo! Now I just need to find someone to try these out with.

A Year Later

Okay I know you women out there think you have the monopoly on this, but I'm sad to say you don't. In 3 days it'll be a year since I met the Planner. I have to admit I'm sad. While I know now that we weren't a perfect match and the problems we had. I'm not looking to be back together with her. However besides my ex wife the Planner holds the spot of longest relationship. I know at a measly 4 months it's not much compared to 16 years, but no one has really taken that spot in my heart in the last year. So while I miss her I also miss being in a relationship with someone. I have to admit over the last month I've stopped turning my head when I see a car like hers in the area even though she lives no where around here. So I'm surprised that I still have this sadness all this time later.

Surprised Myself

Eric called me for his school project on the family tree. He had to focus on one country on the tree. His mom's side is all Irish and can easily be tracked. So he asked a few things about my Dad's side which is Italian. I have that tree all written down for myself when I was curious a few years ago as everyone is starting to die off. My Mom's side which is Filipino is more obscure. Her parents were dead before any of us came along. My older brothers knew her half sisters and brother. They were just names that were occasionally mentioned in passing. Honestly I met my first Filipino person when I was in chiropractic college in my twenties.

Anyway Eric was focusing on the Philippines for his project. Jeez I was impressed on how much shit I was able to pull out of my ass on the subject. Since I've been a chiropractor I've met and dealt with a lot of Filipinos. Hey they pervade the medical field. Plus now being in Virginia Beach, I think we have the highest concentration on the east coast, Jersey may have more. So I knew there were over 7000 islands making it up, the Chocolate hills, government, food, etc. The biggest problem was that he wanted names of people which I didn't have. I knew my Mom was named after her grandmother and I believed her last name was Aguilar. However her parents were a blank which he kept asking about. I don't think he could fathom that we didn't know.

Memorial Day

I tell you I can just sleep. I've slept really late the last 2 mornings something I haven't done in a while and it felt good. Too many early meetings lately have left me wanting more. It's funny I may still get my 8 hours, but when I get up earlier than my normal time it leaves me tired. My body is just set for a certain time.

Last night the singles and I met for the Funny Bone comedy club. It was a nice group since most people had never been there and their were many newbies to the group. I have to admit that we had to military women in attendance. No offense to any military woman, but usually not the most feminine looking. However these two were extremely attractive. The comics were great and it's always funny when they get people from the audience that are hilarious. The last comic Steven Burn grabbed 5 guys from the audience to make a boy band named Sausage Factory. 4 of the guys were good, but one guy nicknamed Prison Fuck Toy was soo funny. I thought the comedian was going to fall off the stage from laughing.

With the weather mixed I decided to pick a cheap movie for today. So we're off to see Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

I've Got a Feeling, A Feeling I Can't Hide

Did I ever mention I hate feeling "bad" feelings. I went to visit my Mom today and it was an off day for her. They were going to give her a nap when I got there, but they were like no hurry. So I did her nails and tried calling my brother, but he wasn't around. My Mom was a lump on a log today and not very responsive. So I left there feeling sad which is an appropriate feeling, but I don't like it. I never do and I know that sounds childish, but it's been a life long battle. My psych profile says I'm too sensitive. When I was first told that I was like yeah right. However the explanation that it's because I'm too sensitive and don't know how to handle my feelings is why I avoid them like the plague. I'm better with them, but we're not best buds yet.