Is it Friday Yet?

Shhh I have two invisible followers and I wonder who they are. Actually I do since I'm noisy that way. It's just like the other 30 or so who my stat thingy picks up. Hey I have free time today and I'm wondering. Free time and me don't get along to well. I get all squirrely.

Anyway, never again will I keep a phone number of someone I break up with. I held on to Kitcat's number for 2 weeks out of people pleasing. Having a cell phone means I know who calls. If that information is gone I wouldn't know who was calling. I don't want them to think bad of me. Yes it's a madness all its own. They dump me and I'm still worrying that I make them feel good. I remember when that broke with my ex about a year after we separated. We didn't talk for over a year. Anyway I'm having to go through the whole freaking grieving process all over again. I didn't enjoy it much the first time around. I certainly didn't want to take another trip. Never again.

While business is up from what it was it's still a far cry from what I need it to be. I have too many low paying insurances right now. It always surprises me when this happens. I'm seeing more and doing more and hardly making any more money. Will wonders never cease?

At the moment I'm bouncing back and forth with dating. Deep down I know I could use a small break, but the impatient me isn't buying that.

The Many Moods

Psychiatrist: Well your tests show you're very sensitive.

Me: Bwahahahahaha (well actually I laughed in my head. I think I made the comment of, "yeah right.")

When it was explained to me all those years ago it made sense. Moderation of my internal dialogue of feelings is a rough ride for me. Why? Because I take things to personally. Case in point. Today a new patient called to get some information and then made an appointment to come in. Hooray, I'm happy. Hour later I get the message of cancellation. Now I'm sad. Since I talked to her I take it on the personal side. Dating wise I can understand that it's a numbers game. Business wise I have a harder time. Why, it should be easier. However I guess I put too much of myself out there and when I'm disappointed I look for the problem. Usually I come up with me which isn't always a good thing. Sometimes its like a dog chasing his tail while going down the drain. I have to admit I took it pretty good today than I usually do. However it was a work out and I still have this insane belief that it should come easy.

The new thing in my business group has been people making their presentations like a game show. I have to admit people have done a good job with it. I'm a pretty creative guy, but I have to admit that I'm a bit stumped with this. I can always do a normal presentation, but hey I like a challenge. Now I just need to match a game show with me getting chiropractic information across to them.

I'm really surprised. Tonight is Date Night the movie with the singles. I would have thought we would have had a bigger turnout for the show. At least people usually say they saw it already. I guess the nice weather has everyone thinking about other things.

I was happy to hear that Eric was able to tie a tie. So mission was accomplished. Also Harry Potter has been overthrown by the Percy Jackson books. Honestly I don't care what he reads as long as he is reading. Even as a infant I made sure he always had a bunch of books for him to enjoy. I'm happy that it's paying off as he grows.

The Balancing Carrot

German girl made a point that I had been thinking about over the last few weeks. Am I picking too independent women? When I was younger my Dad was always my bad example. The smoking, drinking, and other personality defects were things that I steered as far away as I could. However as I got older I mellowed my hard line stance with things. People drinking around me no longer bother me for example. When I divorced my ex I wanted nothing to do with her dependant ways. So I think I did the same thing with going to the other extreme. Independence and assertiveness have become very attractive to me. So like many things in my life I need to install a dimmer switch so I can modify how I do things. Not too bright, not too dim. As always a work in progress.

I do want to thank everyone for their views on me talking to Eric about dating. In the past I've not done it since no one ever pasted the 6 month point. However as he does get older he should know for many reasons. One as many you pointed out, he will be dating. The other is that he always has a curiosity when there is a female connection to me. So I will start the conversation up when he visits in a few weeks to lay the ground work. Then I can keep him updated as things happen.

I tell you the one thing I do miss about Kitcat. No it's not sex, but I do miss that too. It's the carrot to do better. When I was with her it was the first time in a long time I wanted to have things better in my life so I could have more time with her. Everyone needs a carrot to motivate them to do things. I tell you I can't do it for myself beyond mediocrity. Eric is not with me anymore and the distance doesn't help. So I now find myself back in the quandary of what do I use as a motivation. A better life for myself just doesn't do it for some reason. Most likely it's my sub standards for myself. Any suggestions? What do you use to motivate yourself to better things?

In My Dreams - Diane

This week in my series of dream wives I'm fantasizing about Diane Lane. An attractive, sexy lady who always seems down to earth. Plus I'm obsessed with her after seeing her in Unfaithful. While not the greatest movie since sliced bread. Her sex scenes in their are very steamy. If you haven't seen the movie, it's worth the price of admission.

The Stashed Bottle

In recovery, alcoholics talk about having stashed bottles around. While they are not used, they are still around and a connection is still maintained. With the weekend temperatures being around 100 here I've stayed mostly indoors. My Battlestar Galactica holds came in and I've been enjoying them. The character Caprica 6 for some reason always reminds me of Kitcat. This has brought on a bit of melancholy feeling which has brought me to my phone. Kitcat's number and all my info on her is there. While I know it's over and I don't really want it anymore. It remains a connection. A whisper of a bitter sweet dream. So I made the decision to delete it and I have to admit it was hard. An admission that it's over deep inside of me. Let the healing begin.

I was supposed to have a date with a woman yesterday. A new one that I haven't blogged about yet. However her ex never picked up their son so the date never happened. All has been quiet today so I think that boat has sailed. One thing I have noticed is that in the world of online dating you run a gauntlet and any deviation ends it. Not really caring about it this time. I didn't think it would work, but I do like to keep my hand in the dating game.

The downstairs AC died yesterday. I 'm so happy the upstairs one died last year so it's running nicely. I live in my room with the bed and TV there. So all I need to use downstairs is the kitchen which can be rough cooking. Since half the house is cool I worry about my perceptions which were always subjected to abuse growing up and in my marriage. Destruction of your perceptions is the way to manipulate people. So even with checking the unit outside and seeing it not work I worry if I'm wrong. I left Tone a message about the problem and we'll see how it goes.

My Manly Duty

Well I got to do my manly duty today and all I needed was a phone, a latex band, and a mirror. Yes I was teaching my son how to tie a tie without any equipment. What made it even harder is that he didn't have a tie in hand either. It's kind of like trying to make fire with 2 pieces of Styrofoam. I know how to tie a tie since I use to do it for work for years, but like breathing I don't think about doing it, I just do. So I had to look around my office for a prop to describe the process. Also without Eric having anything it was a bit rough. I did find some theraband to use and while wrapping it around my neck I was thinking how can people do this for auto eroticism. Anyway I didn't kill myself hence I'm still blogging and hopefully Eric can now tie a tie.

He had questions about the "girl" who answered the phone. Eric has never come into contact with any of the women I've dated. Any woman that seems to come in my orbit he always ask a question. Like when I had a female landlord and he was young he wanted to know if we were married. He's asked about my female friend's voice on my business answering machine. While we've talked about sex, drugs, drinking, and smoking several times and at his desire. We've never talked about dating and especially when it comes to me. I probably should broach the topic with him. Any suggestions?

End of an Era

I was hit with horrible news this morning. My favorite Starbucks will close after this month. I was really shocked when Mike gave me the news this morning as I got the second of my free drinks this week. It was the first in the town center area and now there are 2 others in a 5 block area. The great thing about it is it's big. Plenty of room for people to sit and relax. Most of the others in the area don't have the sitting room and fill up fast. I've spent countless hours relaxing in this one. Many coffee dates as well as business meetings. I'll miss the people there who know me and what I drink. The other, like getting a new person to take care of your hair, will be finding a new place to relax and make my own.

The law enforcement lady who I wasn't expecting much turned about to be a bit more and less than what I thought. She wanted my number the other night to put a voice with my face. She called me from work and honestly I think she only wanted to hear my voice and not talk cause she was ready to get off pretty quickly. I was ready to talk for a bit, but that didn't happen. I guess I didn't pass the voice test since it seems to have died on the telephone line.

Yesterday while L and I were walking we spotted a very attractive woman watering her garden. Ten feet later we found a lost dog. L went down the street to a person she thought was the owner and possible date for her. Garden lady said she would grab her cell phone. She wasn't that chatty with me even with a few comments. Oh well just keeping my hand in it all.

I'll be happy that Tone is going home today. I have to admit having someone around the house is bothersome. Also that she has every light on in the place when she is around. I don't get it.

I see it's going to be feast and famine weekends. This weekend I have nothing going on and I need to find something to keep me occupied so I don't squirrely. Next weekend is pretty nicely scheduled with game night and I'm volunteering to help a friend raise money for diabetes.

Dating So You Don't Have To

It's funny a freaking amazing the things I forget. Reading comments from my last entry I remember some of the strange shit that goes along with dating. I know most women thing its just on their side of the street. Like one of my friends got a request from an online guy for pictures of her feet. However as guys we get our fair share of weird shit to. Although it may just be me since none of my guy friends really say any of this kind of stuff. Since my mind has been jarred I'll try to remember a few gems from the last few years in no particular order.

1. This just happened over the weekend and I forgot about it already. Why? You really need to hit a certain level of weirdness to register on my brain. I had a woman the other day in the midst of our emailing back and forth asked if I like to be spanked. I responded that no I didn't, but I would spank her if she wanted. No date. Can't please everyone.


2. This one woman and I had moved to the point of talking on the phone after a few emails. Personally I hate this long drawn out process since nothing is really known until you meet. Anyway this time the phone did show something. Anyway we're talking about what we do. She was a big VP in a company. As we're talking she ask for my email address so she can send me something. Next thing I know I have a bunch of pictures in my email box. Pictures of her. Pictures of her with toys. Now I'm no prude in any sense of the word, but my brain does a transition time from normalcy to 70's porn music. Honestly I can't remember what I said but it was some kind of spanking joke to kind of balance the weird direction the conversation had taken. She became very offended and hung up on me. Hmm maybe there is a pattern here of me making a spanking comment and not getting a date.


3. Actually this is the one that was sparked by the comments. Still in the email stage of the "relationship". This woman asked would I meet her in a parking lot, allow myself to be blindfolded, tied up, and driven someplace. I should have answered her yes if I wanted my body parts spread out over 5 states. My answer was no, but for the life of me I can't remember my wise ass crack cause this was just too fucked up a second or third email.

Now before you all think I'm a perv and hang out on adult sites. These were from normal places. You'd be surprised who you meet. How about you? Any freaky encounters with dating?

The Wonderful World of Dating

So is it officially hump day when there is only 4 days in the week? Well my date for tonight died in flames. I didn't have high hopes for it or for the woman since I could tell she was not one for saying "no". She would hint and make excuses, but never come out and say I don't want to do this. The funny thing is that when I sense this I'll push. Why? Cause I have nothing to lose. The woman will either say she doesn't want to go out or just disappear which is the usual. We never end up going out so that point becomes moot. The fun of online dating. Truly I always compare it to bomb dismantling. One wrong move and it's over. And your left wondering should I have cut the red or black wire instead? Honestly if that's all it takes to stop the process, good riddance.

Anyway with that being said I think I have a date for the weekend. The woman is in law enforcement so handcuffs maybe involved. I may have to sign a waiver or something. She asked me for my number and will call tonight. Now on the Seinfeld side of life she does one thing that is really weird. She never answers my emails in one email. It's always in two which is really weird. The first one answers my question in a Tweeter type fashion that is part cryptic. The second one ask me a question. This could have train wreck written all over it. But hey I have time over the weekend and I do enjoy meeting women.

OVDC was the last friend I had to tell about Kitcat and I. Her mouth just dropped when I told her the story. She likes my stories and tries to pass them on to her ex who complains about dating. This from a man who's been on 10 dates in his whole life at age 58. I think I did 10 dates last year alone and I took the year off from dating.

Tone is back in town for a few days. With her here it brings to the forefront of my mind that I'll be moving in the next few months. So my anxiety levels have kicked back up even though things are okay. Until things are in the works I know that this is the way it will be. Pre-anxiety jitters are the worse for me. Doing is never a problem.

Thumbs Up in Hong Kong

It's amazing after all these years of divorce my ex becomes my wife again when I'm talking about her, I'm angry, and frustrated with her. Case in point is that she finally texted me back that Eric was finishing school on the 28th which really sucks since it's a Monday. I asked if he needed to go that day and if he did what time would he be finished. She answered that since he was going to a new school next year and that it wouldn't be the best for him to miss it. I sort of understood, but it also meant losing out on 2 days of his visit. He has a half day that Monday so I'll pick him up once he gets out. I leave her a message that I'll let her know if I can swing an extra day or two and that he may make camp late. So far so good.

Then I get the call from Eric. He tells me that he can't miss a day of school, he can't be late to camp, and that if his grandfather dies he may not be able to go or may need to come home right away. I really freaking don't know why I fought for joint custody sometimes when my ex pulls this kind of crap. This reminds me of when we were having problems and she had Eric write a letter to me asking me to leave the house. He was four at the time. So this shit of putting him in the middle continues when it doesn't have to and it pisses me off. I'm sad since we don't see each other that often and our visit is being widdled down from the week (legally I have 2 weeks). My ex knows how I won't push certain issues with Eric.

Middle Child asked me about my spirituality and not being religious. Pretty much asking what the hell are you talking about? For me I grew up with an uneven dose of Roman Catholic. Meaning one week it was important and the next it wasn't. There were a lot of inconsistencies growing up. While I did become very religious for a few years in high school I turned it all in and became a atheist for 15 years. With that I was solid in my beliefs of nothing. However at the lowest in my life 10 years ago I found that I needed something in my life beyond me. This is were the spirituality comes in. I do believe in a god right now. My definition is a bit shaky and it doesn't follow any organized religion which really doesn't work for me. I do agree with Marx that it is the opiate of the people. While I do pray many times a day I don't attend any church, nor do I wish to. If I had to define it then it would be more of a lifestyle of how to act in the world than following some deity. Hope that makes things as clear as mud.

Interesting enough is that I'm starting to get a large following in Hong Kong. Besides the US it is #2, even beating out Canada and UK. Although I have to admit that I think its also where I get all my spam comments from. So as always your statistics may not be worth the paper that's it's not even written on.