Farsight and Hindsight

One thing I realized this week was that my ex might have gotten my Mom's insane and abusive aspects. Asp got her neuroses and her distance. I knew when I first met her that I felt very safe with her and I know that kind of stuff is never a good thing. To have too much intimate knowledge of another person off the bat is always a warning. I've never had the safety warning before so I ignored it. I've had the felt very connected and know the person very well warning. It's always unfinished business alarms and like a proximity alarm I should stay away.

The one thing that keeps playing in my head is that Asp said it already hadn't been working for her. It's this stuff that I don't understand. If she knew than why all the other conversations about being distant and working on getting better. Oh well like many things it's something I'll never know the answer too.

I'm altering my rules about dealing with problem people and my singles group. As you probably know it's a $5 annual fee for the group. I get so many people who want to discuss it, how much money I'm making off it, etc. My new rule is that these emails get deleted. If its going to take this much energy to decide to spend $5 then I don't want you in the group. As this is the first week after all annual dues were due. I'm getting a bunch of these emails. I can't believe so many people waste so much time over the amount.

Since its Superbowl Sunday I figured most places would be dead and that was deal when I stopped to get new front tires for my trip to see Eric next week. I felt bad for a woman who stopped by and had a flat tire and had to get a new tire. A new one on sale was $205. In the waiting room she asked my if that was normal and I told her it was. I should of asked where she was from but didn't since I knew English wasn't her first language. With an SUV type vehicle a tire is big bucks.

While sitting there I was reading all the signs about all the new devices and indicators in the newer vehicles. Looking at all the stuff I think cars are becoming cost prohibited to people.

Now Back to Our Regulary Scheduled Program

Well the deed got done with Asp today. It went well. She was surprised at my turn around, but she admitted she wasn't feeling it anymore either. By her actions I was thinking that. I'm just happy to have it over. We talked a long while afterwards about stuff like we usually do. So I hope she still comes to events. I'll try to stay in touch with text to see how things are going like with her second job. Now life returns to normal.

Today L and I are doing are beach walk. I'm happy that its sunny,but otherwise I'm not looking forward to it since it's about 30 degrees out there. I'll be happier next month when spring arrives.

I'm getting very frustrated with my computer at home. I can't get it to connect with my wifi. It detects it, but connection is a whole other animal. It's a bit of pain to bring my work laptop home to have Internet usage over the weekend.

Today's the Day

Their comes a point in my process where the pain is more than what I'm getting out of it that I finally decide to do something about it. I thought it would be last night, but it seemed that I needed another few hours to get my head right. When I break up with someone I like to have it solid in my head. I've done it in the past where my head wasn't in the right place and it becomes very messy. I don't think Asp will argue about this, but who the hell knows what will happen. I didn't even attempt to call her again last night and haven't heard anything from her still. Now all I have is that nagging feeling that something needs to be done. Their will always be some fear and angst mixed in there, but hey I'm human which I have to admit sometimes. I'll contact her after my last patient. I don't need this stuff affecting my business.

Happy to say so far all the bad weather has been lots of rain and wind. Not the greatest weather, but much better than snow. So I'm happy. Also it shouldn't affect game night tonight with the singles.

Tone let me know last night that she'll be down on the 15th with the landlord's brother and some other family members to get rid of some of the junk that is around the place. Plus they will take many of the vehicles back with them which will be nice.

In My Face

International Networking Night was last night in my area and I worked the door like I did last year. 350 people piling past me. During the 2 open networking times I could give a crap about talking to anyone. Having so many people shoved in my face earlier had burned me out. I did get to see many old faces which was nice. The first speaker I enjoyed very much while I played usher at the auditorium door. Something I hadn't done in 26 years since RKO theaters. The biggest thing I got from him was to think big instead of the incremental steps. By thinking big and then working backwards you would make bigger accomplishments instead of the small steps forward. It's just two different ways of thinking. I can feel this as I'm running around today trying to get this marketing venture off the ground for myself and other business people.

I did stop to see my Mom before I went since it was right down the road from her. She was having dinner so I got to help feed her. She did okay and I was satisfied when she told me she was good. Any initiation of choice is good in my book.

Due to being out the whole night I decided not to call Asp like I usually do every night. Also since 2 out of the 3 nights I couldn't even reach her. I was surprised this morning that she didn't even realize it since she said she went to bed early. I can feel the distance growing between us. In talking with a friend, I decided to ask her to get together tonight. My thought which I didn't vocalize was to see where things were and talk. Asp didn't want to stating she was crabby. I'm happy being friends with her, but anything else has just died.

It's snowing down here again. I'm really hoping I don't have to shovel again tomorrow. Especially since I'm coming here to the office tomorrow.

Another Gift

One of my new patients today came out of treatment and saying that was the best chiropractic treatment she had every had. Since I know her and she's been going to chiropractors regularly for 10 years, I figured she'd be a good person to ask why. She said it was a combination of a massage and chiropractic care plus she didn't feel rushed through the office. At least I have an idea to what people mean when they say this since I'm hearing it more often. However how I get them to tell others is problematic. I think I'm going to have to video tape everyone and put on my website. I already have written testimonials. The video will kick it up a notch.

I finally got back to the gym today after 2 weeks off. I need to get back into a routine again. Not having one isn't good for me nor is the lack of strength training. The stress of dealing with Asp this week has been a good motivator to get back in.

People are Strange

As usual people are scrambling to rejoin my singles group after the termination of so many accounts as of the first of the month. I won't bore you with all their excuses. However I will entertain you with money getting to me. The biggest is the super secret check in the envelope. People it's $5. There is no reason to use a ream of lead lined paper to make sure no one can hold your envelope up to the light to see if there is money in there. Maybe I'm jaded from working in the jewelry industry. One of my duties then was to courier jewelry around NY. I was bonded up to a 100 grand so that was what I was usually running around with. One thing I learned from a jewelry smuggler we use to deal with was that people don't expect you to have anything beyond the norm unless you give them a reason. Only when you're freaking out nervous to you tell people somethings up.

I'm happy to say the snow is finally gone here. However I was amazed the other day with someone driving a Lexus roadster. The only snow they cleaned off was a slit in the front and back. They left 6 inches of snow every place else. I think if you're going to spend all that money on a car you should at least get someone to clean it for you. Either that or get use to it being bashed up.

I called Asp last night to again no response on the phone or text. I was surprised that she did text a explanation later this morning. It's still not first thing and I think she's waiting for me to say good morning which I haven't done till late (about 3-4 hours later) this week. Her explanation of she killed the battery didn't float since I call on one cell phone and text her on another. I feel it falls under the douche bag rule which states that I have to make something up for doing a shitty thing.

The biggest problem I have with break ups is my perception. When I was growing up and for most of my adult life, my perceptions were always abused. If the sun was out I was told it was night and that kind of thing. So anytime when I need to stand up for my perceptions I get shaky since it usually meant having them torn apart and me sent away with tail between my legs. So for me there is a lot of repetition to solidify my perception in my mind. My perceptions are 9/10s of my reality. My feelings here with Asp is that I'm not that important to her which I feel through the absence of her actions. When she does an explanation like this morning always throws me cause then I have to revisit my perceptions up to this point. I feel like a person with OCd having to start over every time something is changed up. Since I have a large business event tonight which starts early and goes late I was passing on calling her tonight. Two out of three times she hasn't picked up this week so I don't really care about tonight. Most likely I'll just end it tomorrow night since we have no plans to see each other still.

Eric called me late last night for help with his homework. However I don't have Internet at the house at the moment. For some reason my older computer isn't connecting to my wifi and I can't figure out why. I felt bad, but also I think he needs to realize I'm not a fairy godfather. When he was young it was kind of like that, but I've been trying to teach him that's not the way it is. Give me some notice and I'll do what I can, but last minute I can't pull a rabbit out of my hat.

Meaty Gifts

I've been a bit on the negative side the last few days. Business being slow and problems with Asp have not helped. The funny thing is that I had a dream with Eric in it the other night where something got dumped on both of us. He was upset since things hadn't turned out like he wanted. I told him that he still didn't know how things would turn out. Then he grew up right in front of my eyes. It was interesting.

Anyway I was trying to get out of this funk today since I was really having a hard time being happy or excited about stuff as I talked to people. One of the people from the small dinner around the corner stopped by with their specials for the day. He was trying to talk me into their T Bone special and that he would deliver if I ordered. Nice, but no thanks. Anyway 20 minutes later he comes back in and says here take it since we have an extra. Free T bone steak with all the fixings. It was nice to have a kind act happen and cheer my spirits up. This combined with the sun finally appearing has done much to make me feel better.

On the real Eric front. I talked to him last night and knew something was bothering him, but he wasn't saying. However before I got off the phone his mom told him to tell me that her dad was back in the hospital and that their schedule might be off for a while. There was my answer. He still didn't have much to say, but I told him to call if he wanted to talk about it. Plus I re-enforced our visit next week.

To avoid boredom in the office today I ran a few errands. Most people will wonder why, but I stopped to pick up a new bulb for Asp's microwave. Stopped at a few businesses to show my face and then a trip to the thrift store. I did score pretty good today with a copy of Apples to Apples for game night this week. Not a big fan of the game, but many people like it.

Bad Math

It was interesting Asp also got an offer for a second job yesterday. It would be good for her if it comes through since it would play with what she likes to do. When she would have free time is beyond me.

I talked to my business coach about my offer since he runs the same organization in other cities. What I thought he pay would be was double the true amount which sucked. Also when we sat down and did the math we couldn't think of how they would be paying for all of it. All we could figure out was a one time sum and then small change if someone else joined. Not my cup of tea.

I find myself in that dead man's zone with Asp. I'm not yet ready to throw in the towel, but I'm not looking to put more energy into it. As friends we seem to do well, but beyond that it's not what it was during our first month. I texted her after our conversation last night to see if she was coming to game night with me Saturday. When I awoke this morning it was still quiet. I had no reason to do my usual "good morning" text. I figured I'd get around to it when I got to the office 3 hours later. About 2 hours she finally responded that she had turned her ringer off last night which I've never seen her do. She said she wasn't up to it this weekend. Asp didn't give any options of us getting together and I don't feel like picking up the slack this time. I know the more time that goes by the less I'll care.

I'm surprised as was OVDC that business hasn't picked up this week with all the snow. The news keeps talking about everyone in the ER with back pain. Why this hasn't translated into new business is weird. I hate slow weeks.

Stop the Ride

I have to admit I'm starting to get tired of the roller coaster ride with Asp. I know all days are not created equal, but I was married for 10 years so I know how to just act "as if" on those days. However these I don't give a fuck days are starting to grow. Little things I notice quickly add up. Like yesterday when I got up and before I left I gave the GF a hug and said how nice it was to see her. My response was silence. Last night when I went to talk to her I got no response to phone or text. I know Asp sometimes falls asleep watching TV which is no big deal. However I expected a response when I awoke this morning. I didn't get anything until I texted her a few hours later.

I'm starting to think that we might be better friends than anything greater. Just going over day to day stuff today it flows. However the deeper stuff doesn't seem to work regularly. I feel myself making a decision sooner than later.

I got offered a part time job today with one of my business groups. It would entail growing their business groups. It's strictly commission basis. Also I can't advertise my business only theirs which would suck if they got another chiropractor in there. I need to talk to my business coach since he wanted to start a group and grow it. That would be a great team up for both of us. I could get the extra money and he would get all the extra business people since I would have the organization behind me to find people.

Buried in Complaints

After my business meeting with my coach Friday it was very evident that the way I'm doing things isn't working out. Like I do with relationships I usually spell everything out cause I know if I hope they just get it their will be a problem. From running bigger offices I know this stuff, but it wasn't the greatest of experiences. However the basics of what was done then is very important to being successful. What do I keep doing is avoiding it for some strange reason. However this weekend was a time or realization of stop hitting myself with a 2x4 in trying to recreate the wheel when I have the training to make it work. My personality will make it different. I see in the small changes I made over the last month that this is correct. Sometimes my black and white thinking works against me.

Pool with the singles yesterday was fun although I was surprised that more people didn't come. I did end up leaving my license there and I was happy that another member called to let me know cause I wouldn't haven't realized until I needed it. Who knows when that would be?

The evening with the GF was fun. It was nice seeing her again. Asp made some chicken fried rice for dinner which was yummy. Afterwards we relaxed while watching TV. One thing I'm still processing her is that we aren't always on the same wave length. The percentage is higher than I'd like and I'm trying to figure out where it lies.

Asp did help me out this morning with her most attractive quality to me. Her ability to complain when something is wrong. While many would shake their heads at this, I have a hard time with this. Hence I'm attracted to people who can do this. I pulled into my business parking lot today to find the whole place unplowed and ice covered sidewalks. This is a business killer. I was complaining and saying I would need to go get a shovel to make it safe for my patients to come in. Asp was like call your landlord and get him to clean it. I knew she was right, but hell if I wanted to do it. However I did pick up the phone and talk to my landlord. He said they were already on their way. It's funny since I don't automatically go here. I go to the place of how can "I" solve it instead of getting the person responsible to do it.