Drained, and Not in a Good Way

I'm just drained today. Talking to my brother today we both checked out how each other was handling it all. Both him and my SIL said that since they aren't physically here they separated from it. For my brother I think he still hasn't resolved all the crazy shit our Mom did with us. I think my ex said it best with "when it all comes down to it, she's still your mom." It's true for me. Her loss will be big for me even with all the stuff that went on. Most of it I dealt with once she got sick since there was no way I could be a caregiver with it all in my head. I think that may be why my brother told our Mom to give me the job.

Honestly only about 40% of how I feel is from the thought of losing her. The other 60%, if not more, is all the paperwork and dealing with everyone. It's phone calls to meet to sign this, notification of change of who's covering insurance, etc. I keep having to shift gears from work to this and it's just taking its toll. At 1 o'clock today I was ready for bed. I was happy to get out of the office and just relax and have some lunch over at Chipolte.

Tonight I'm meeting the singles to see Invictus. I'm completely neutral on seeing the movie, but hey it's a $1 and it'll keep me out of trouble.

Tentatively I have a date tomorrow night with that girl who was moving in to beach. At this point all I can say is that it could go in a million different directions. Sitting down and having some time to talk will tell all. I have a nickname already running in my mind, but I want to see if it survives the acid test tomorrow to start using it.

The Next Step

I got the call this morning that my Mom's breathing keeps stopping. Since I learned my lesson from last week she wasn't going to the hospital since they could do the same thing. However the suggestion was to put her on hospice care. This would bring in extra care to help keep her comfortable. The coordinator will be by today for me to sign the paperwork. I can tell all this is getting to my brother since he's joking a lot every time we talk which is how he deals with his stress. My SIL had informed me a while back that he was having a hard time with it. I find myself having a hard time with it too today. I've wanted her to go for a while now since her quality of life is poor, however she's been hanging in there. My belief hasn't changed, but I do feel the coming of the emotional loss of my Mom.

Whatever phone calls I did this morning will be it for today. Selling will not be for forte for the rest of the day. I can do the nuts and bolts of the job. However I have been finding my mind wandering a bit today with patients. So I've been taking time in between them to make calls to friends and journal. I have a problem with falling apart and its hard for me to do, but I can schedule these down times to try to process it all.

The Next Hurdle

It was nice to finally do a beach walk and not have to wear a jacket. It was still a bit brisk, but very nice. It was good to get out and enjoy nature and the good weather.

Tomorrow starts a lot of phone calls for me for work. I have a new marketing project and I'll need the help of other businesses. It won't cost them anything and should make selling their product easier. Talking to everyone about it has no downside for me except for people saying no. Do I want to do it? No. I always feel uncomfortable doing this. However when I do it I fell better about myself and it can only help me. Still not looking forward to it, but I'll be lighting a fire under my ass tomorrow to start the calls.

I started talking to a woman today that wants to keep talking to me. She's moving back to Virginia Beach from the next city over. She's in the process of doing the move so we didn't get more than some introductions and moving stories. We'll see where it goes. The funny thing is that she reminds me of the Photographer in looks. If it gets off the ground I'll give her a nickname.

The truly funny thing was that a new person joined the singles group today and I thought it was the Planner. It wasn't, but boy is she attractive. Hopefully she'll make it to an event soon.

Photo Scavenger

I tell you I now remember why I don't go into malls. Crowded, busy malls make me anxious. I think it's sensory overload. I've been at networking events that have been so crowded it's like a nightclubs dance floor without a problem. Since dead malls don't bother me I think it's just everything all at once. I guess I'm getting old. Soon I'll be complaining that the kids are playing their music too loud. Anyhow I did my recon for the photo scavenger hunt and posted the event. Now we'll see if anyone comes. I broke the "to do" list into 3 sections. The first was just a list of items to find around the mall. Like a unhappy child, comedy DVD, mall application etc. all being worth 5 points each. The No Guts, No Glory section was that a team member needed to model the item. So I kicked it up a notch. Find a sales person named Mike or Lisa, propose on one knee to a stranger, wear 5 inch heels, etc. This section was worth 10 points each. The last section was the riddle section which was worth 15 points each. Now I'm going to share the riddle with you to tell me what you think. Too easy or hard. If you can think of anything else for specific mall stories or item around the mall I would appreciate it.

• The day has been busy, I feel half-dead. I'm so grateful for my __________.
• It's like seeing a picture of myself only backward.
• Rhymes with coaster and makes a breakfast food.
• What has water, wax, wind, wire, wood, wool and wisdom?
• My life can be measured in hours, I serve by being devoured. Thin, I am quick, Fat, I am slow, Wind is my foe.
• Runs, but cannot walk, sometimes sings but never talks. Lacks arms, has hands; lacks a head but has a face.
• Throughout history, there have been thousands of well-documented cases of horses jumping over towers and landing on clergy and small men, forcing their removal. What am I?"
• Stiff is my spine and my body is pale, but I'm always ready to tell a tale
• I am so simple that I only point; yet I guide men all over the world.

Game night was a success as usual. It does run itself. I might have to limit the amount more on the weekend addition. It gets too unwieldy with too many people. My older members haven't come to break off to a second table which is causing problems. There was only one potential woman their for me. She sat next to me, but I got 3 red flags from her over the night. People don't understand that I pick the games that we do for a reason. Someone pulled a dice game out last night and for a few minutes it was interesting, but the the table went quiet. When people have to open up about themselves in a friendly manner the talking and jokes fly. Scruples usually works best for this. Anyway this woman answered that she wouldn't have a date sleepover with teenagers at home which she has. She also admitted that she was too much of a goodie too shoes. The second was that she admitted to being very emotional. What I have found over the years is that people rarely overestimate how they are. The last was her scent which I think was hers. It wasn't BO so don't worry. Everyone has a personal scent. 80% just fit into the normal category. Another 10% it's like an aphrodisiac, and the last 10% is like pepper spray. I first experienced this with Diane a girl who use to sit next to me in high school. I tried to overcome this with Tech girl, but it's such a reflexive jerk back for me that it's a hurdle I can't jump. We flirted some of the night, but I let it drop at the end when she was pushing the conversation.

Scavenge This

I'm waiting for a possible patient to call. Officially I'm still open for another hour so I don't mind. Usually during this downtime, especially on a Saturday, I stroll around the Internet. Yes I know big surprise. Well actually this morning my intentions were for some different activities for the singles group. I came across a scavenger hunt. Since I know I'll be doing all the work myself and not being able to play I have mixed feelings. However a mall photo scavenger hunt would be pretty easy. I could send them off for an hour and I could grab some Starbucks and relax. Sounds like something you do with your kids.

I think I'll head over to the larger of the two malls here and see if they let you take pictures in the mall. The biggest thing will be trying to come up with riddles for stuff in the mall. I found some examples like

• Watch your step! Pick up your feet, your next clue is by the other white meat. (Chic-Fil-A)Shh!


• Don't tell anyone where I might linger to, for Vicky would get mad if she caught me next to her shoe. (Victoria Secret's thong)

I maybe asking for help so put on your thinking caps. I'll probably charge everyone $5 for prizes. I can grab gift cards and hopefully some business people I know will toss in some stuff to kick it up a notch.

Other than that I feel the dating bug biting me again. The funny thing is that I don't seem to be catching any one's eye like I was when I was with Asp. Oh well. I'll have to make my own luck like usual.

Where Am I Now?

You know, if you want to get me good. Don't kick me in the nads, just hit me in my finances. I tell you a shot their really causes my gut to clench. As many of you know my Mom was in the hospital last week and I had to pay her room rate while she was out of her facility. I got the bill today and holy shit they misquoted me the daily rate by almost a $100 under. I was complaining that I paid over a months rent for her 4 days. Now it's freaking closer to 2 months.

For some bizarre reason I got a $15 refund check from the phone company. I have no clue why, but after the previous paragraph I'll take what I can get.

Work this week has been a downward slide also. Something is happening out there since people are rescheduling more and more time between appointments or just dropping them flat out. Oye.

Since I need a pick me up. I grabbed this from Cary over at List of the Day. It's a geek guys wet dream.

Office Gossip

Well I've gotten my exercise groove on all this week. I lost it somewhere while dating Asp and the landlord's decline. I was still going, but not as frequently as I'd like. The last bastion of what I was missing was cardio. I enjoy my beach walks with L, but I know I could use some more exercise for my heart. I had plenty of time to do so this morning and I had to admit it was a bit of a toss up. However I knew I would feel better afterwards. Although I didn't factor in doing my legs yesterday so the pain factor is affect now.

For most of my adult life I've either worked for myself or had complete autonomy to run a business. So I do forget how other people work like having an office to call your own. One of the most asked questions I get asked is if I've ever had sex in my office. Guys always ask while the women usually just perk their ears up. With my own business I have to admit having fun with Asp and the Planner here. Not at the same time though. Being the only employee has its perks.

However when I use to administrate clinics I use to have staff. Now as anyone who has worked in a office environment knows gossip is the biggest energy booster next to the last chocolate birthday cake they was had for a fellow employee. Anyway at the time I was seeing this woman who was totally infatuated with me. I had seen her around the office a few times and we had talked. I thought she was very attractive, but the conversations never really went anyplace so I didn't think much of it. Until one day she came into the place an asked to see me. I led her into my office and asked her what she wanted. I still remember her looking out my window and asking me if I like her or not. I said yes. At times I still can't believe this happened. She said that was good. She walked over to me, dropped to her knees, and ripped my pants open. That's how our relationship started.

How this relates to office gossip. Well everyone wanted to know if we were having sex or not since she would come to see me 2-3 times a week at work. So every time we were going at it in my office someone would be calling to ask questions, knocking on my door, etc. I tell you I don't enjoy having my sex interrupted.

My staff not to be deterred from my evasion techniques decided to up the ante one day. Again we were going at it on my desk when they knocked liked usual, but instead of needing my attention they needed hers. For some unknown reason she decided to talk to them. So she got dressed and I just hid underneath my desk naked until they were finished. I still laugh at this all these years later. Anyway my staff had their answer since I had left a condom wrapper on the side of my desk. The good thing was they never bothered me again.

The Adjustment Phase

One thing I realized while relaxing last night at home was that I was alone. Yes it was shocking news. However I guess another level of awareness or acceptance that the landlord isn't around and at present I don't have a girlfriend. So I do feel the emptiness of the big ole house during the evening hours. I think I'm a bit more sensitive to it this week since it's a slow week at work and the lower interaction with people is felt. Since I have no employees I don't have anyone stinking the place up with their food in the microwave or 3 month old leftovers in the refrig. However the lack of interpersonal interaction is felt at times.

I remember when I was married. I always knew that I needed either home or work to be a safe haven. Didn't matter which one, but one had to be a saving grace for me. However most of the time it was neither which made it tough. So some kind of balance is needed in my present day life.

Another person I read has gone private in this blogging world of ours. Seems an ex boyfriend found out and after reading about himself wasn't too happy. I get asked frequently when I'm dating do I worry about my dates finding this place. Every time I answer I see that I like to play with fire. This blog isn't linked to anything, but my other blog is and several of my friends are subscribers. I do check every month or so and see where this comes up on a Google search of me. I'm good when it's page 5 or beyond. I guess I treat this blog as if it was my diary/journal as it sort of is. I don't really worry about people finding it and I don't know really why. I can turn a blind eye to consequences. I remember when my ex use to pull out my journal and read it and complain. My answer now is the same as it was then. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. However if you make the choice to read it and get upset that's not really my problem.

Lastly I really want my reader fixed and Google hasn't been any help yet.

I Promise You This, That, and the Other Thing

You're showing your age if you know that line. This morning I retook the vice president position of my business group. Looking at my life I now am in charge of or in leadership of every organization that I'm part of. How does a shy guy end up here is beyond me. Older members were happy since they know I'm the iron fist of justice in keeping people in line. Like in my singles group they know I play no favoritism and that I follow the letter of the rules.

I'm lost without my Google Reader. Trying to catch up on my blogs is a pain in the ass 1 at a time. Another day or two of this and I'm going to need to find a replacement which is something I'm going to hate since I'm not big in the change department.

This slow week at work is slowing down even further with many of my patients out of town. Confirmation calls are finding them all over the US which is no fun. I think I need to go next door and buy some oil and start spreading it around the area to beat up some new business.

I'm setting up my next patient appreciation event for next month. I always team up with another business person to help absorb cost, plus do some cross marketing. One thing I realized last night is that I'm back in a age old place that I don't like. I'm the one doing it all. I somehow always pick people that just don't have it to take charge. I though the person I was working with this time would be up to it, but the had no clue what to do. I'm happy this time it was only 2 phone calls and I was done. However I've learned from my coach that if I have to do all the work I get paid for it. So I have to have some fore thought in the future so that I can build it into the overall cost since my time is valuable.

Jumble Reader

Okay this is day 2 of my reader being totally fucked up. It's always nice to see that the people I follow have written something. Who and what is another story. Only part of the screen is there and I have not been able to adjust it at all. So my belief is that it's on their end and not mine. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. So if one of your lurkers is missing it's probably me.

I visited my Mom today in the hospital. She was sleeping so I just talked to the nurse about making sure she was leaving today. She informed me that was the plan and the doctor would be by later in the morning to make it official. I did get the confirmation call a little while ago. She will go back to the rehab side before heading to her room. I do need to make sure that we won't be billed for that also.

I may seem callus to some, but I don't really care where my Mom is as long as a) she's being taken good care of and b) I'm not footing the bill. As long as these 2 things are met I'm good. The hospital is too much into prolonging her life which I know is their mission, but it's not our wishes. When she starts to go I don't want any interference. It may be all spelled out and black and white, but things can get played with.

I did have a meeting this morning with an old business associate about doing a client appreciation event together. Most people know that I'm on ball with a lot of this stuff which is nice. However trying to find someone to go along with me is always the problem. The one thing that I did realize out of the meeting is that I know the business is doing better this year than last at this time. However since it's not stable or where I want it I don't feel like it's good. So I had to run my numbers to give me the pleasure of knowing what I'm doing is working out. It's nice to see that numbers show it going in the right direction.