Going Sane in a Crazy World

My journey through life and the lessons I learn to help me grow spiritually.

Sane Friends

Knee Deep in a Relationship

Being knee deep in a relationship is a work out let me tell you.  I talked to the Comic about how I was feeling and it went over well.  She explained how much I do mean to her which made me cry.  I did talk to her about seeing her niece any other day would not have been a problem.  However she had made it out to be such a special day for me and then to drop it as soon as someone else came into town bothered me.  What I did say was the example of me sharing the holiday with her yesterday and how much she had been looking forward to it.  Then me saying Wednesday that a friend had come into town and I would just stop over for dessert in the evening.  She got the point there.  The other thing that I explained to her was that while all her words were really nice that actions like these negated them.  

So today I'm working half a day.  The Comic was going to come into the office to help with decorations and with my calendars which she really wanted to do.  After which we are going to see Harry Potter.  This morning she wanted to sleep in which was no problem, but when it was 11:30 and I hadn't heard a response from my text I was getting a bit upset.  For me I don't care if you want to do something or not, however if you say you are going to do it.  I do expect that it happens.  

So I'm trying to drop the fantasy that I'm going to see Harry Potter by myself.  I will do it if I don't hear from her since I don't give up my happiness for anyone. However I do want to be able to detach without any fuck you.  I did the decorations already and will start on the calendars in a few.

I will say it was rough for me opening presents this morning.  It really hasn't happen for me in many years so I'm a bit cool with it.  Mostly it reminds me of how much I've missed over the years and the overflow of emotions this year.  It's hard leaving the edge of the pool to venture into the deep end to get the full experience.  I'm doing it inch by inch and hour by hour, but I will tell you this is a lot of work.  I'm enjoying it all, but I haven't had to work this hard in years.

Phone Calls

I had talked to Eric about having his phone on since I keep calling, but all I ever get is the voice mail which isn't hooked up.  I also broached the subject of the holidays since it would be the first after his grandfather's death.  He did his usual that he was tired and wanted to get off the phone.  However I was ready for him this time and just kept going.  I talked about how it had been for me with my Mom's death.  He took it pretty well.  Anyway that was last week.  It's been a week of daily phone calls and getting his voice mail. 

So today is my birthday and I'll skip trying to call him to see if he calls me to wish me a happy one.  I'm going to have to step up my firmness with him on this issue with the phone.  Especially since my ex is a waste with any help.  It's what I share with others on doing when things are happening, but it seems I need to follow my own advice and not be so soft on the kid.

Brought to You By

Here I am doing something I haven't done in years, sharing Thanksgiving and my birthday with someone I love.  Here I am at 3:30 am freaked out and wanting to be alone before it all starts.  While there is some trepidation on being with a big family for the holiday.  Plus that I'm having to accept another layer of happiness which for me is hard to do.  Like I've said in previous post it's hard for me to look forward to things.  I always expect them to be pulled away from me.  However tonight's insomnia is brought on resentment and a bit of fear.

Friday is my birthday.  For the last few weeks it's been a big thing for her to share it with me.  However 2 days ago it changed in my mind.  The Comic asked if we could visit her mom's after I get out of work to see her niece when she comes down. Now for anyone else this would not bother me, but this is the niece that the Comic will put ahead of everyone else.  Yes even me.  Last month we had plans one night and then they were abruptly changed when her niece called and said she needed help packing.

I talked to her about it then and how I felt the importance that she states I have in her life was not totally true if I could be pushed aside so easily.  She agreed and we had our night together and she left to see her niece the next day. 

Now intellectually I believe this is the Comic's way of getting me to her mom's for a surprise birthday party.  She wants to make my day special.  Emotionally all I'm hearing is that her niece is in town and I'm now second fiddle again.  My Mom use to do this when she was dating.  I was very important in her life then a man would come and I was unimportant, if not in the way.  This has left a large scar on me.  I really don't want to spoil the Comic's plans if she has them, but this is something that is really bothering me and I know I'll need to talk to her about it in the morning.

Band of the Hand

I walked out to my car this morning to find a plastic wrapped envelope stuck to my car.  The contents of it made me cry.  It was a hand made card from the Comic celebrating our 5th month together.  I forget sometimes that she has the art degree.  It was very touching and very nice to have someone do something so sweet for me.  It's been a long time.  

5 months is a record for me in the dating world post divorce.  6 is the Comic's limit.  So we're doing very well and breaking new territory all the time.  We both really care about each other which is great.

I did have my first serious talk with her about something that was bothering me.  I had held off most of the week since the Comic had the flu and I knew it wasn't that appropriate to talk about.  

The Comic had went to visit her niece again last week and came back to me Friday.  This time she was in worse shape than she was last time she went.  It was so bad that she emotionally vomited all over me.  It wasn't pretty.  Something like that hadn't happened to me in a long time and I reflexively shut down to it.  That night was the first time I ever thought seriously that the Comic may not be for me.  However sunrise the next day brought everything back to normal.  

Over the next few days I kept having these little fantasy daydreams of trying to get control with that situation with her niece.  It was always fleeting so I didn't think much of it.  However Monday I stopped myself and looked at it.  Realizing that I felt abused with the emotional vomiting, I was trying to stop being a victim in my head.  

Now talking about a problem is always huge for me.  It never went well for most of my life. Not with my family and definitely not with my wife.  So it was anxiety laden to say the least.  I'm happy to say it went over well.  The Comic apologized for it and we were able to talk everything out in a healthy way that hasn't happened in a relationship before.  

A Train Wreck of a Visit

As many of you may or may not know I was suppose to be visiting my son Eric this weekend.  The problems started last weekend when he called to tell me that I needed to pick him up later than my usual time so he could do his homework.  I was okay with that since get it out of the way so we could concentrate on father-son time.  Then came the list of things needed for the weekend.  He would have lots of homework.  He would need a computer with Internet access.  Plus he would need a printer.  WTF?  I told him I would bring my laptop and we would be set on the whole computer and Internet thing.  I informed him that I wasn't dragging a printer up there for him.  I would bring a memory stick and he could just take it home and print the stuff up.  That was met with I don't think it would work.  So I told him we would take it someplace like Office Max or Kinkos and get it printed up.  This conversation also covered that he had pre-did a bunch of homework so he could go to a birthday party that weekend.  I smelt my ex at work here.  The usual sticking it to me and I need to take it to see our son.  

Then last night I got a call from Eric telling me that the visit is canceled.   WTF again.  He informs me that my ex had a procedure done this week and is still under the weather from it.  He's going to stay with her this weekend.  I told him that we will have to reschedule for a later date.  

We've had visits canceled before, but this one really hit me hard for some reason.  Mostly because it brings up a lot of stuff from the past.  I have a hard time getting excited to see Eric since it's a big thing and I'm use to growing up and having big things derailed at the end.  So when this happened the sadness of the present and the past really collided to make me a very depressed person right now. 

Odds & Ends

One part of my relationship with the Comic I'm still trying to get use to is the sickness.  I work hard to stay healthy so getting a cold is a very rare thing for me.  However since being with the Comic I've had to fight off quite a few.  Have to admit I'm not to happy about it.  I'd rather be using my resources for other things. Now I'm okay with her being sick, although I will point out what brought this on. This episode as well as her back problem have been brought on by visiting her niece who is quite dysfunctional.  I'm happy she has realized this since she came back this time and pretty much emotionally vomited on me for most of Friday night.  It wasn't that fun.

Last night's Game night with the singles was fun as always.  It's very reaffirming to hear people say how much they love it and how they've become close to everyone.  It's nice to have created something thing that has some lasting value.

Lastly I still think Eric is avoiding me on the phone for some reason.  I talked to him Friday night and it ended pretty quickly with him saying he was too tired from doing homework.  This isn't cool.  Since I'll see him next weekend I'll talk to him face to face.  I can never be sure where my ex is when we are talking on the phone. 


I talk to the Comic a lot about her scale for knowing when to be hungry is way off.  Because of that her decisions and beliefs are illogical.  In my journey to be more optimistic I'm finding that I'm the same way.  I have what I want the day to be like.  If it isn't then it sucked which isn't helping me.  All or nothing thinking only makes it worse.  

So I'm working on changing my belief system when it comes to evaluating the day.  Yesterday I didn't want to make the change for the usual reason.  Change sucks.  Even though I know at some level that only good things can come from change.  So I'm trying to say that if half the stuff I wanted to happen happened it was a good day.  Now it's not because I'll accept a half assed job, but because what I want is my goals at the end of a 2-5 year plan.  It's not going to happen overnight even though I may want it to be that way.   

In to the Valley

I'm over the mountain and back in a valley for a while.  It's just getting hard to blog like I use to.  Sorry it's been downgraded on my priority scale since it doesn't positively affect my paycheck.  Usually I remember to do it when I'm finish for the day and I have to decide if I'm leaving or staying later to post.  You can see who's been winning.  Anyway I'll do several post to catch you up since I hate 5 page posts.

It continues to be difficult to talk to Eric.  When I see him next weekend I'm going to need to set up something with him so I can reach him.  However the main thing that is still on my mind is Monday's call.  I finally reached him only to find out that he didn't dress up or go trick or treating.  WTF?  He says he wasn't in the mood this year.  What 11 year old turns down free candy.  The other was that in talking about our next visit to see him he was pretty blase about it.  

My mind instantly went to him being very depressed since it's Casa de Sunshine at my ex's place.  While I deal with minor depression she deals with major.  So I started projecting Eric drinking and doing drugs in a few years.  Not the greatest place to start, but I'm pessimistic so don't judge me.  I talked to my ex who said his pediatrician and school counselor had evaluated him since his grandfather's death.  He was handling it all appropriately.  Plus his grades where still up.  So we'll watch him and see how it goes.  

It did take a life of its own for a few days.  I'll better be able to evaluate him when I see him next weekend. 
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