From the Belly of the Beast

It's been slow here around the office, although I don't seem to be sitting around that much.  I've been planning and implementing marketing for the next few months.  The most difficult thing is the pushing out to a further point than I'm use to.  I remember hearing a story of a young man who increased his sales by four fold.  However it was more than he was comfortable doing.  So when he reached what he was use to doing he would stop working and go and sit in his room with the blinds drawn.  I can relate since there are some days when I walk out of here feeling really uncomfortable.  However I'm trying to tell myself that its a good thing since I'm changing.  This is the point when I always drop back to where I was.  I've been over this ground so many times I know every blade of grass on it.  I tell you it's hard changing years of conditioning.

The Comic and I are coming up on 8 months now.  This being my longest relationship since my ex is getting a bit rough.  Not in a bad way.  Just I'm use to being by myself and doing things my way.  So I'm biting my tongue a lot since I know I don't know everything or the right way for everybody.  However it's a workout.  The Comic has been helping me with marketing.  She wishes she had my speed with the way I do things.  I can't watch her while she's working on my stuff since she does things VERY different than I would.  They work very well for her and I know what she does them, but I want to control when it's a new area.  It makes me feel comfortable.  However it's not the way of a healthy relationship.  So we end up laughing at each others ways.

I still haven't spoken to Eric all month which is the longest since my custody battle years ago.  I was going to call my ex when I realized when I loss a bunch of contacts 2 weeks ago, she was one of them.  This week's weekly letter will be a bit more strongly written for him to call me.  I have a feeling this doesn't bode well.

Mental Health Day

 Well after 7 years of being in business I took a mental health day off.   Over the years I've come in late or left early to relax.  I've taken time off to go see Eric or take care of divorce crap.  However never in those years have I scheduled a day off just for me.  It's part of my taking better care of myself plan.  I have to admit it was nice and I'll schedule one a month.  However next month is a bit tricky since I still have no idea when Eric is celebrating his birthday so I can plan my trip.

Anyway I slept to normal time yesterday which is the norm for me.  I don't even need to set my alarm clock anymore.  I got to blast a lot of music which I haven't done in a while, go to the gym, clean my room up, hit the library, and relax at Barnes and Noble.  All things I haven't done in a while.  It was nice and relaxing. 

Yesterday was also 7 months for me and the Comic.  We went out to dinner to celebrate, but I had to bring her back home after wards since she has been sick for the last week.  However it was nice to spend some time with her.  

Between you, me, and a light post I've started and engagement ring fund.  Hopefully everything will continue to go great.  I'm not buying anything yet, but I never have a large sum of money burning a hole in any part of me.  So if I can stash some money in an envelope every week it will make it much less problematic if I decide to propose to the Comic.  We talk about our future pretty regularly with all aspects covered.  I have to admit I'm very happy.  This is all virgin territory for me.  The only other person I ventured this far was my ex and I was having problems with her already.  So to be happy and smooth sailing is great.  Our biggest attribute so far is our ability to talk everything out when anything has come up.

I did stop by my Mom's old place a few weeks ago. I'm rarely in the area and we happened to be there and I asked the Comic is she minded.  I was feeling a bit emotional and felt the need to stop by.  When I cleaned my Mom's place out it was done in under 30 minutes and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to say goodbye.  I felt the need to fall apart, but I didn't since that can be hard for me to do.  However I was glad I did it.

A Christmas Story

Boy this is like exercising.  You stop for a little while and forget about picking it back up again.  I just downloaded the ability to blog from my phone so I can do it when I'm sitting someplace.

Christmas was a bit of a workout.  Mostly since I have a hard time looking forward to things that are very important to me.  The Comic being one of them.  So while she was jumping all over the place in excitement I was pretty stoic about the whole thing.  Although I started to get a mild case of excitement as the festive day approached.  

It was nice to spend a holiday with someone I loved and cared about again.  Besides spending last year with Asp for the evening before she flew to see her parents it's been a while.  While Asp and I were never emotionally connected it was someone.  However comparing this year and last is like comparing apples and lizards.  So it was a Christmas to spend with someone which hasn't happened since 2003.  Yes it's been a long time and no Starbucks on the holiday.

Both the Comic and I enjoyed the presents we gave each other.  She was very thankful for all the help with Christmas especially being the first without her father.  It was my first one without my Mom, but that barely registered for me.  I talked to my brother and SIL on Christmas and the Comic could see what I always talk about with their machine gun questions that leave me with nothing to ask.  

Eric and I have been talking better on the phone which I've enjoyed.  He is changing and I'll have to change with him.

We had the third heaviest snow here in recorded history.  It made for a white Christmas which is was nice.  I wasn't happy about having to close the office for a day.  You can easily tell who's from here and who is not.  I was like let's go out while the Comic was like we're stuck inside.  It's become a joke of me saying, "I'm from NY."

I have to admit the holiday really brought us closer together. 

When Life Resembles Art

Over the last few weeks I've been using my free time in the car to listen to education sales CD's to help sharpen my game.  I use to save this for my trips to see Eric, but since that didn't happen this time and I'm in the car at least 20 minutes a day I can get through a series in a few weeks.  I learn a lot and it keeps me in a good frame of mind.  

An interesting story on my present series talked about how when you move from one level in your life and move to a higher one ie. better job, more money, etc.  It will make you uncomfortable until you get use to it.  Depending on how big the change will dictate how much discomfort you will experience.  The author's story was about a twenty something farmer who became a sales person. He was making 2 sales a week and making $2000 commission for the sales.  After making the second sale he would go home, draw all the curtains and crawl into a fetal position in his bed.  Getting that much money was too much for him.

In the last 2 months I've gotten the office busier and I've made more money.  Great.  However like I learned from this CD if you are not use to the extra money you will get rid of it in some shape or form.  I spent it on upgrades for the office, some DVD's for me, and dinners out with the Comic.  Now I look at all the money I earned and wonder where it went.  Lesson learned on that area.

The second area is I can get pessimistic when the office doesn't respond the way I want it to.  The Comic is good in helping me see all the positive stuff so I can build myself back up.  I have to admit she did a really good job last night.  Since then I've been torturing myself with every single bill and debt I owe.  Nothing has changed in the last 24 hours.  I'm just having a hard time getting comfortable in a better place.  

I remember when I didn't have all that chaos in my life after divorce.  It felt so strange and I was almost looking for stuff to be back in that pressure just because I was use to it.  The mind is a strange thing, but I do tell my patients that anything done for 2 weeks the body starts to believe is normal.  

"The only person who likes change is the one with the wet diaper."

Writing With Traction

I see I'm getting to blogging one a week now.  How times have changed.  Happy to say I'm busier now and that I don't have time to blog.  While there are many times during the week that something comes up that I would normally blog about has gotten pushed aside to do work.  It's something I'm grateful for since I'm meeting my weekly goals that I've set for myself.  Still stuck in a 30 day cycle, but I'm stretching myself as best as I can to get to a 6 month and then 1 year list of goals.  My true goal is a 5 year plan, but since I've been formally writing my goals down again only 2-3 weeks now I'm not expecting miracles.

The Comic and I are still doing wonderfully.  Our ability to talk through any situation that has come up between us has been our best quality.  I did talk to her this week about cutting back our dining out since it's busting my budget.  It was a big thing for me since bringing something up like this in my past always meant problems.  However it went over well and we set about shopping together so we can cook together when we see each other.  I knew ahead of time that it would be no problem, yet it caused all kinds of anxiety.  It will take many times of this happening in a positive manner for me to have the faith that it will all work out.

My birthday last week turned out great and I really enjoyed my presents from the Comic who has helped me pick up my long lost hobby of modeling and painting.  Once the New Year passes I'll pick up some paints to start painting the figures that she bought me.

The holidays are in full swing for us.  We will be stopping at her mom's tomorrow to decorate the house.  She helped me decorate my room last weekend and it looks great.  All my presents are bought and wrapped.  I'll mail out Eric's stuff Monday so I can avoid most of the holiday rush.  

The funny thing on gift giving is that the Comic wanted this nice ring she had seen.  I told her I would get it for her for Valentine's day.  It arrived yesterday.  I've bought a lot o jewelry over the years especially having worked in the jewelry industry.  This is the second ring I've ever bought.  The first was my ex's engagement ring.  So holding this one brought up some feelings.  Nothing bad though.

At present I'm happy to see my life improving faster than it has in a while.  Having the Comic in my life has helped me want to achieve more which is something big for me.  I've never been able to find many things to inspire me to shoot for higher goals on a consistent basis.  It's been nice and a bit scary to be focused and wanting better for myself.  It's been about 3 months and counting now.  I've got traction under my feet and with that I can achieve a lot.   

Knee Deep in a Relationship

Being knee deep in a relationship is a work out let me tell you.  I talked to the Comic about how I was feeling and it went over well.  She explained how much I do mean to her which made me cry.  I did talk to her about seeing her niece any other day would not have been a problem.  However she had made it out to be such a special day for me and then to drop it as soon as someone else came into town bothered me.  What I did say was the example of me sharing the holiday with her yesterday and how much she had been looking forward to it.  Then me saying Wednesday that a friend had come into town and I would just stop over for dessert in the evening.  She got the point there.  The other thing that I explained to her was that while all her words were really nice that actions like these negated them.  

So today I'm working half a day.  The Comic was going to come into the office to help with decorations and with my calendars which she really wanted to do.  After which we are going to see Harry Potter.  This morning she wanted to sleep in which was no problem, but when it was 11:30 and I hadn't heard a response from my text I was getting a bit upset.  For me I don't care if you want to do something or not, however if you say you are going to do it.  I do expect that it happens.  

So I'm trying to drop the fantasy that I'm going to see Harry Potter by myself.  I will do it if I don't hear from her since I don't give up my happiness for anyone. However I do want to be able to detach without any fuck you.  I did the decorations already and will start on the calendars in a few.

I will say it was rough for me opening presents this morning.  It really hasn't happen for me in many years so I'm a bit cool with it.  Mostly it reminds me of how much I've missed over the years and the overflow of emotions this year.  It's hard leaving the edge of the pool to venture into the deep end to get the full experience.  I'm doing it inch by inch and hour by hour, but I will tell you this is a lot of work.  I'm enjoying it all, but I haven't had to work this hard in years.

Phone Calls

I had talked to Eric about having his phone on since I keep calling, but all I ever get is the voice mail which isn't hooked up.  I also broached the subject of the holidays since it would be the first after his grandfather's death.  He did his usual that he was tired and wanted to get off the phone.  However I was ready for him this time and just kept going.  I talked about how it had been for me with my Mom's death.  He took it pretty well.  Anyway that was last week.  It's been a week of daily phone calls and getting his voice mail. 

So today is my birthday and I'll skip trying to call him to see if he calls me to wish me a happy one.  I'm going to have to step up my firmness with him on this issue with the phone.  Especially since my ex is a waste with any help.  It's what I share with others on doing when things are happening, but it seems I need to follow my own advice and not be so soft on the kid.

Brought to You By

Here I am doing something I haven't done in years, sharing Thanksgiving and my birthday with someone I love.  Here I am at 3:30 am freaked out and wanting to be alone before it all starts.  While there is some trepidation on being with a big family for the holiday.  Plus that I'm having to accept another layer of happiness which for me is hard to do.  Like I've said in previous post it's hard for me to look forward to things.  I always expect them to be pulled away from me.  However tonight's insomnia is brought on resentment and a bit of fear.

Friday is my birthday.  For the last few weeks it's been a big thing for her to share it with me.  However 2 days ago it changed in my mind.  The Comic asked if we could visit her mom's after I get out of work to see her niece when she comes down. Now for anyone else this would not bother me, but this is the niece that the Comic will put ahead of everyone else.  Yes even me.  Last month we had plans one night and then they were abruptly changed when her niece called and said she needed help packing.

I talked to her about it then and how I felt the importance that she states I have in her life was not totally true if I could be pushed aside so easily.  She agreed and we had our night together and she left to see her niece the next day. 

Now intellectually I believe this is the Comic's way of getting me to her mom's for a surprise birthday party.  She wants to make my day special.  Emotionally all I'm hearing is that her niece is in town and I'm now second fiddle again.  My Mom use to do this when she was dating.  I was very important in her life then a man would come and I was unimportant, if not in the way.  This has left a large scar on me.  I really don't want to spoil the Comic's plans if she has them, but this is something that is really bothering me and I know I'll need to talk to her about it in the morning.

Band of the Hand

I walked out to my car this morning to find a plastic wrapped envelope stuck to my car.  The contents of it made me cry.  It was a hand made card from the Comic celebrating our 5th month together.  I forget sometimes that she has the art degree.  It was very touching and very nice to have someone do something so sweet for me.  It's been a long time.  

5 months is a record for me in the dating world post divorce.  6 is the Comic's limit.  So we're doing very well and breaking new territory all the time.  We both really care about each other which is great.

I did have my first serious talk with her about something that was bothering me.  I had held off most of the week since the Comic had the flu and I knew it wasn't that appropriate to talk about.  

The Comic had went to visit her niece again last week and came back to me Friday.  This time she was in worse shape than she was last time she went.  It was so bad that she emotionally vomited all over me.  It wasn't pretty.  Something like that hadn't happened to me in a long time and I reflexively shut down to it.  That night was the first time I ever thought seriously that the Comic may not be for me.  However sunrise the next day brought everything back to normal.  

Over the next few days I kept having these little fantasy daydreams of trying to get control with that situation with her niece.  It was always fleeting so I didn't think much of it.  However Monday I stopped myself and looked at it.  Realizing that I felt abused with the emotional vomiting, I was trying to stop being a victim in my head.  

Now talking about a problem is always huge for me.  It never went well for most of my life. Not with my family and definitely not with my wife.  So it was anxiety laden to say the least.  I'm happy to say it went over well.  The Comic apologized for it and we were able to talk everything out in a healthy way that hasn't happened in a relationship before.  

A Train Wreck of a Visit

As many of you may or may not know I was suppose to be visiting my son Eric this weekend.  The problems started last weekend when he called to tell me that I needed to pick him up later than my usual time so he could do his homework.  I was okay with that since get it out of the way so we could concentrate on father-son time.  Then came the list of things needed for the weekend.  He would have lots of homework.  He would need a computer with Internet access.  Plus he would need a printer.  WTF?  I told him I would bring my laptop and we would be set on the whole computer and Internet thing.  I informed him that I wasn't dragging a printer up there for him.  I would bring a memory stick and he could just take it home and print the stuff up.  That was met with I don't think it would work.  So I told him we would take it someplace like Office Max or Kinkos and get it printed up.  This conversation also covered that he had pre-did a bunch of homework so he could go to a birthday party that weekend.  I smelt my ex at work here.  The usual sticking it to me and I need to take it to see our son.  

Then last night I got a call from Eric telling me that the visit is canceled.   WTF again.  He informs me that my ex had a procedure done this week and is still under the weather from it.  He's going to stay with her this weekend.  I told him that we will have to reschedule for a later date.  


We've had visits canceled before, but this one really hit me hard for some reason.  Mostly because it brings up a lot of stuff from the past.  I have a hard time getting excited to see Eric since it's a big thing and I'm use to growing up and having big things derailed at the end.  So when this happened the sadness of the present and the past really collided to make me a very depressed person right now.