Over the past 6 months I've become the most social I've ever been in my life. However since it ended with the Planner I've felt the most alone which is really weird for me. I've always been alone. I grew up that way and it has pervaded my adult life. So to feel alone and not accept it as my friend is really weird. Usually when my Landlord goes away I'm like a pig in shit with the place to myself. Not this time. It really bothered me. It bothered me to the point that I think that I don't think I could handle living by myself again. WTF! Who the hell is this person.
Over the past few weeks I've increased my singles events to cover my empty times. During the day it doesn't affect me. While at times I do miss the camaraderie of coworkers I do prefer to work alone. I have my patients that come in and out of my day that bridge the gaps.
My problem. After every singles event I'm hit with a heavy wave of loneliness. I don't want to rely on others for my happiness. I hate crutches. And that's where I sort of left of last night although this is more from my brain than my heart.
So as I sat around last night looking over my feelings and why they were so strong. I remembered that I usually feel deprived. Having grown up under the care of whimsical adults who had no direction except what thrilled them that day. I still deep down feel like a leaf in the wind. When I started to make real changes in my life 8 years ago this is what I wanted gone from my life. I didn't care that I was homicidal, suicidal, or in an affair. I wanted to own my life so that I could be happy.
Over the years I've found that my solution is to make choices. The big point is remembering to do this. So I remembered that I'm not dating by choice since I want to be in a healthy spot to start again. That I do have the singles which I can plan an event to have company like seeing Wall-E today.
So I awoke today to a new sunny day. I had one of my "finishing business" dreams with my ex. Where I told her she had the keys to her happiness, Eric's, and mine. However she chose not to do the work. I'm glad I did mine.
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Too Much Swag and Sadness
3 months ago
1 people had cathartic therapy:
You know I'm so glad your waiting to date. No, wait before you object...I want you to have someone and be happy. But from my own experience and what you have said here, you need more time to get to that place. The fact your uncomfortable by yourself speaks volumes. When you find that comfort zone again, the one where alone is reversed to just quiest serenity and your ok with it...then you will be ready to have someone else in your life.
I know it's not an easy concept. I think the older we get the harder it becomes to find that place.
Although I have a great relationship with Paul. We still have some set boundaries on space and time for ourselves that doesn't include the other one. I think it's healthy and makes you appreciate them and the time you do have with them more. As always...
Just MY humble opinion. (Hugs)Indigo
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