That's How I Fall

The week started out all planned and packed with patients and events. Wow, let me tell you how fast that house of cards fell yesterday. My 3 day health fair was rescheduled and I wasn't informed which left this gaping hole in my schedule during the middle of the week. Then my record day of 11 patients ended leaving only 3 after the dust had settled. I do have to admit that the good thing through it all was that I was didn't take it personally and keep myself from dropping into the hole of pessimism. I tell you a woman can turn me down and it doesn't phase me, but with work it's hard not to take it personally. So the week is still a good week and I'm using the holes to good use with marketing.

One of the women that was a roommate back when I lived with the landlord came in yesterday for treatment. I'm sure I had a nickname for her, but for the life of me I can't figure which one if any. Anyhow it was good talking to her. Honestly I was surprised to hell to see her. However pain will make people do many strange things. We got to talk about the landlord and I was surprised that she was still pretty upset with his death. However it was her first close death which did explain a lot.

Speaking of death. I'm going to try to spread my Mom's ashes either tonight or tomorrow. They're starting to become a permanent fixture in my trunk and too easy to make a joke about. Not that I don't mind the jokes, but it's just starting to take too long to get it done. So I packed everything in the car this morning. Not quite sure what I'll say, but I'll do fine.

I'm going to try and track down Eric tonight and talk to him. I want to see if there is some reason for their being a problem every time we talk. The first hurdle will be getting him on the phone. I doubt if I'll get an answer, but I have to try. I can't expect him to get over his fears if I can't do the same.

In a Funk

I seem to have found myself in a funk and not quite sure how I got here. If I had to pick the top two reasons I would say that one would be the Comics drunken texting. While nothing was weird or abusive. I got song lyrics and how much she cares about me all with a drunken flavor. While friends and loved ones drinking in front of me no longer bother me, drunken behavior still sets something off in me. It's an old tape of when I was young with my Dad. Just needing to separate the past from the present.

The other is one of my friends made some bad decisions over the last few days and he wonders how it's going to affect his wife. This has been coming on for a while and we talked about it. While I know I handled myself well in talking with him I feel a bit affected by it. Whether it again is accessing old tapes or not I can't tell.

Last night was my saying goodbye to a few things. The place where I've been living for the last 5 years and my Mom. I imagined the house like it use to be when the landlord was alive. I'm happy that so much has changed since it really forces me to realize that it will never be the same again. Even with his passing, the want to hold on to the past was still strong. My Mom was easier. I mostly just had a normal conversation, although one sided, with her while I took care of my laundry. The biggest thing I had realized over the last week and vocalized last night is that now with my Mom gone that desire for someone to take care of me is gone. I always knew it was a childhood desire still to be taken care of since I kind of grew up like a feral child taking care of myself. That desire to be taken cared of has lead me down many a bad roads. Hopefully it's fully gone now.

I have to admit I really enjoyed the night by myself and will set up Sunday, Monday, and Thursday as my nights by myself. It was good and refreshing. I'll talk to the Comic about it. I know she'll understand, but not like it. While she has many great qualities, fusion isn't one of them. I know she would be happy for us to be together 24/7. I like her being part of my life, not my life. We've had this conversation before so it will be nothing new.

I'll leave you today with a WTF moment. I got a friend request on Facebook this morning from guess who? Yep Kitcat. 2 months nothing and now this, oye. I ignored it. If we had spoken and then ended it I would have no problem, but now ? I don't think so. My guess is that she wants someone to do stuff with again and I was a nice guy. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Her loss.

Dating in Pictures

Tone is here for a few days trying to hire someone to take care of the lawn and stuff. She let me know she was trying to have the place ready to rent for August, but she knew it would probably be later than that. The good thing is that L's friend has a condo which has extra space for rent that would be ready in September which would work out well. She no longer wants to rent to women since she's gone a lot as a flight attendant and her clothes seem to disappear. I gave up cross dressing in another life so I have no problems. The nice thing is that it would be close to the water. I'm glad that I'll be able to switch over unless something changes. I just hate change to begin with.

Tone gave me the web address for the landlord's pictures of his burial at Arlington National Cemetery. It looked like a nice ceremony, but I have to admit it made me sad looking at them.

Kitcat made me very happy last night by calling to chat before she went to bed. Little things like that make my day. We chatted a little while. I'll see her tonight, but I have a feeling I won't be staying at her place. We're meeting down at Town Center after her meeting ends and she has 3 tests tomorrow. Jeez that's just abusive since she only has 1 teacher. I do want to talk to her setting up some system to better plan us getting together. The other point I almost feel weird doing since I take it for granted. It's the exclusivity talk. It's the way I am, but there is something for making a point with it. The last time I did this talk was with Law girl which I have to admit was one of my healthier relationships even though it didn't go very far. However I do remember her saying that I did everything right.

Yesterday may have been the bomb at work, but today it's a fart. I only had one patient on the books and he rescheduled. So I was happy to have someone else come in to take his place. Tomorrow again is a nice packed day. With everyone coming in all in a small block which will be nice. I will tell you it was strange to have free time today. I have to admit I really haven't goofed around either. Phone calls, marketing, and basis admin stuff has been the flavor of the day. I'm just about finished with everything I need to get done today and I'll take a break and watch some MI 5 which I got out the library. I was very happy to get it quickly since they just got it in. I guess me checking regularly for stuff is paying off.

Office Gossip

Well I've gotten my exercise groove on all this week. I lost it somewhere while dating Asp and the landlord's decline. I was still going, but not as frequently as I'd like. The last bastion of what I was missing was cardio. I enjoy my beach walks with L, but I know I could use some more exercise for my heart. I had plenty of time to do so this morning and I had to admit it was a bit of a toss up. However I knew I would feel better afterwards. Although I didn't factor in doing my legs yesterday so the pain factor is affect now.

For most of my adult life I've either worked for myself or had complete autonomy to run a business. So I do forget how other people work like having an office to call your own. One of the most asked questions I get asked is if I've ever had sex in my office. Guys always ask while the women usually just perk their ears up. With my own business I have to admit having fun with Asp and the Planner here. Not at the same time though. Being the only employee has its perks.

However when I use to administrate clinics I use to have staff. Now as anyone who has worked in a office environment knows gossip is the biggest energy booster next to the last chocolate birthday cake they was had for a fellow employee. Anyway at the time I was seeing this woman who was totally infatuated with me. I had seen her around the office a few times and we had talked. I thought she was very attractive, but the conversations never really went anyplace so I didn't think much of it. Until one day she came into the place an asked to see me. I led her into my office and asked her what she wanted. I still remember her looking out my window and asking me if I like her or not. I said yes. At times I still can't believe this happened. She said that was good. She walked over to me, dropped to her knees, and ripped my pants open. That's how our relationship started.

How this relates to office gossip. Well everyone wanted to know if we were having sex or not since she would come to see me 2-3 times a week at work. So every time we were going at it in my office someone would be calling to ask questions, knocking on my door, etc. I tell you I don't enjoy having my sex interrupted.

My staff not to be deterred from my evasion techniques decided to up the ante one day. Again we were going at it on my desk when they knocked liked usual, but instead of needing my attention they needed hers. For some unknown reason she decided to talk to them. So she got dressed and I just hid underneath my desk naked until they were finished. I still laugh at this all these years later. Anyway my staff had their answer since I had left a condom wrapper on the side of my desk. The good thing was they never bothered me again.

The Adjustment Phase

One thing I realized while relaxing last night at home was that I was alone. Yes it was shocking news. However I guess another level of awareness or acceptance that the landlord isn't around and at present I don't have a girlfriend. So I do feel the emptiness of the big ole house during the evening hours. I think I'm a bit more sensitive to it this week since it's a slow week at work and the lower interaction with people is felt. Since I have no employees I don't have anyone stinking the place up with their food in the microwave or 3 month old leftovers in the refrig. However the lack of interpersonal interaction is felt at times.

I remember when I was married. I always knew that I needed either home or work to be a safe haven. Didn't matter which one, but one had to be a saving grace for me. However most of the time it was neither which made it tough. So some kind of balance is needed in my present day life.

Another person I read has gone private in this blogging world of ours. Seems an ex boyfriend found out and after reading about himself wasn't too happy. I get asked frequently when I'm dating do I worry about my dates finding this place. Every time I answer I see that I like to play with fire. This blog isn't linked to anything, but my other blog is and several of my friends are subscribers. I do check every month or so and see where this comes up on a Google search of me. I'm good when it's page 5 or beyond. I guess I treat this blog as if it was my diary/journal as it sort of is. I don't really worry about people finding it and I don't know really why. I can turn a blind eye to consequences. I remember when my ex use to pull out my journal and read it and complain. My answer now is the same as it was then. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. However if you make the choice to read it and get upset that's not really my problem.

Lastly I really want my reader fixed and Google hasn't been any help yet.

I Made This

I get a proud feeling when I open my pantry closet. I know I'm strange, but it's mine and makes me happy. No this is not a picture of mine. Like I was telling L yesterday, this is the first time I really lived on my own. College was the only other time which truly isn't living on your own when its dorm life. I don't mind cleaning the place up when it's my mess. I use to get this feeling when the landlord use to go on his trips and I'd be here for a few weeks by myself. However since he's not coming back this time and he's presence in the house is long gone, I've come to feel like this is my domain. Once I get all my debt out of the way I would like to move into my own place whether it be an official apartment or something that is truly my own. Looking at it with hindsight I see this progression of growing with places.

Tonight's Funny Bone event was fun. Even better since I wasn't hosting. However everyone showed up late, even the guest host. Since we had to be there early to pick up the free tickets it worked out. We were right next to the stage and I and one other member got picked on. I made out better than she did. All he wanted to know is if I ever get stopped by airport security. He asked her if she liked jizz on her face. Yeah the last comedian was a bit over the top.

Out of the Loop

It's been in the book for months. I've been gathering everything up for it. I've called for advice on how to get the most out of it. I packed the car up with a ton of stuff today and went there. No one was there. I guess somewhere along the line I got out of the loop of today's health fair. I'm grateful I didn't cancel any appointments for it, but I was looking forward to the event. Usually I don't verify these things since they are a large to-do and involve so many facets that once scheduled it happens unless the world ends. I left a message and we'll see what happens.

Today's gripe is still from last night. This week was a high "no show" week. Some had good excuses like the patient that lost her job that day. Hey life happens. Another was someone I reminded 2 days prior and he still forgot. So I'm fully instituting as of March first a $25 charge for no shows. Since I don't double book to keep wait times down I really get screwed when someone doesn't show. I have to admit it's usually the same people over and over so if I lose them it's not really a loss.

It was nice to come home last night and cook dinner which I hadn't done in over a week with Tone and family in the house. I did some mild straightening up and I'll vacuum the place tonight. I'm always amazed at how much I desire stability in my home life. I guess never having it for most of my life has left me with that. I moved some of the stuff they left lying around to places that were out of my way. Most of the house I don't care too much about, but I do like the breakfast nook, kitchen, and my bathroom kept neat. The other 4 bed rooms I could care less about since I can always close the doors. However I would like it to be nice to look into. When I start having guests over I'll do something with the living room since its still partially personalized to the landlord.

Today marks the first Saturday in a month with no snow which I can't believe is a stat here. It actually is a very nice day and I'm doing my weekly beach walk with L today.

Today's the Day

Their comes a point in my process where the pain is more than what I'm getting out of it that I finally decide to do something about it. I thought it would be last night, but it seemed that I needed another few hours to get my head right. When I break up with someone I like to have it solid in my head. I've done it in the past where my head wasn't in the right place and it becomes very messy. I don't think Asp will argue about this, but who the hell knows what will happen. I didn't even attempt to call her again last night and haven't heard anything from her still. Now all I have is that nagging feeling that something needs to be done. Their will always be some fear and angst mixed in there, but hey I'm human which I have to admit sometimes. I'll contact her after my last patient. I don't need this stuff affecting my business.

Happy to say so far all the bad weather has been lots of rain and wind. Not the greatest weather, but much better than snow. So I'm happy. Also it shouldn't affect game night tonight with the singles.

Tone let me know last night that she'll be down on the 15th with the landlord's brother and some other family members to get rid of some of the junk that is around the place. Plus they will take many of the vehicles back with them which will be nice.

Oh it be alright

It was nice last night with the GF checking to see if I would have my car all repaired before I headed to NY so that I would be safe. She's still not good at accepting gratitude from me when she does something nice. Asp isn't use to having nice things done for her.

We were chatting this morning about Aunt Flow being in town and what she was doing to feel better. I was explaining that I was changing decorations in the office. Even though its still cold outside, winter was over for the office and hearts had taken over. Valentine's had officially come to the office. The GF really made my jaw drop with her next statement. She didn't like hearts and thought the holiday was stupid. A girl thinking Valentine's day was stupid? I didn't think that was possible. She had some weird reason about it not being based on anything and just a commercial holiday. We passed it back and forth and I just let it go after a while. I kind of wanted to say, "so do you want me to take your presents back?" However I knew that was a wise ass remark so I passed. Again like the last paragraph I don't think she has any good memories of the holiday. I could be wrong and I'll see how it goes.

Paperwork, phone calls, and marketing are starting to get to me. I'm starting to get some bites on my cross marketing which is good, but it does make more work for myself. The big difference in the work load now is that it needs to be done today. I can push it off, but then nothing happens which makes all the previous work moot. I still need to prepare for a 10 minute talk tomorrow night. I already know what I want to say, but since it's brand spanking new I know I should have it outlined and practiced. However I don't want to. Hey I can be 3 when I want to.

Don't hate me, but I have a really hard time gaining weight. I can lose weight at the drop of the hat, but the other way is a uphill struggle. So I'm always amazed at how much people can gain in a week or two. I haven't seen MK lady for 2 weeks since she went away for training. Even when she was pregnant she didn't gain any excess weight. I saw her yesterday and I felt like saying, "are you having an allergic reaction to something?" Cause she had puffed up that fast. I've never seen her like that in the 3 years I've known her.

I'm really needing to schedule ever thing I do. From working out to dusting the house. As time gets tighter and tighter I have to make sure I use my free time to the best I can. On a side note it was funny when I got home last night. All the baby pines in the front yard were gone. I have to admit the landlord had the yard like a botany experiment with everything just growing wild. Sapling litter the yard and most of the green on the land is moss. What makes all this very strange is that this is a wealthy neighborhood and the yard really stands out. I was talking to the neighbor who is helping keep the place nice last night. He was so happy to have those pines gone. I agree the place looks a lot better with them gone.

I've Got a Feeling Deep Inside

Ever since Asp slept over at my place Saturday night I've felt like things have been a bit different. Like she's a little more distant. I have no definitive proof just little stuff. From not really caring if I stayed the night Sunday to her not remembering I usually come over on Tuesday night. I know I'm hypersensitive to changes in people. Whether what she's going through is connected to me is unknown. We're texting today, better than we did yesterday. However she hasn't really asked about my day and stuff like she usually does. I'll talk to her tonight to see if anything is up.

I did talk to Tone last night and found out that the landlord is having another service up in Chicago today which would explain the lack of family at the service here. She'll be back in a few weeks and we'll talk more then. She wants to make sure I'm not paying for all of the utilities and stuff.

I can't wait till the end of the week and warmer weather. It dropped back to being very frigid again today and I'm not liking it.

Dog Gone Spirits

Well it was my annual reading day at the elementary school for the SPCA. I guess seniority has its privileges. They use to just give me a rabbit or guinea pig. Now they ask me what I want which is very cool. I go for the dogs. I was very surprised when they gave me this little cutie this morning. She was a 9 week old Jack Russel Terrier. Betsy didn't want to venture far from me nor did she want to leave my lap. The world was a very big place for her and all the happening tired her out quickly. I was hoping to play with her during the down time between readings, but she was just too young. The classes I had to read to were small this year. The biggest being 17 kids. I was surprised with this since I usually do 2-3 classes at a time. So I had a lot of free time between readings.

This will be the first time I'm going over to Asp that she won't cooking for me. They have a lot of pizza left over and since I can't eat it I told her I'd get something for myself. I was going to eat out, relax, and then go over. However she wants me to come over as soon as possible so I guess I'll get some Chipolte's to go.

Since it's Game night for the singles tomorrow night. I asked Asp if she was having her son sleep over someplace or just hang out while we were out. She said she didn't know. So I asked if she wanted she could sleep at my place to give her a change of scenery. I got a very weird answer that I would never have guessed in a million years. She said it would be too weird with the landlord just dying. Asp asked if I thought his spirit was still in the house since he died there. I told her I didn't feel anything. I really don't know if this was for real or is she like L who likes guys to come to there place so their is a level of control. Oh well time will tell. I would like her to see my place. Whether she sleeps over or not I'm okay with.

Catching Up

Well as the New Year arrived I loss free Internet service at the office park. So I debated on whether to get just add it to my phone service or get a broadband card. I decided to go with the card so that I can now have hi-speed at the house instead of dial up. Yes, yes, I'm still a dinosaur is some areas. I do all my work at the office so I have no need for hi-speed at home especially since my Blackberry gets all my emails. Now I'll offset the price by getting rid of my paid AOL. So if you haven't seen me stop by your blog for a day or two you now know why.

I was the cook last night at Asp. I made stir fry ginger chicken and broccoli. It's been awhile since I made it. Everyone liked it which was good. Asp pointed out last night that since we started having sex we've always had it when we get together. I asked if that was a problem. She said no that it was just an observation and that we should continue.

I flipped her mattress the other day and oh what a difference. A lot less achy pain for both of us. I'm glad I awoke this morning since she forgot to set her alarm. We didn't get any snuggle time in the morning which was missed. Just running out of the house didn't sit well with either of us.

I see why the landlord's sister said eat the food. They bought so much cold cuts for the after service that I could feed and army. At least my breakfast and lunches will be covered for a while.

I called Eric last night and got my ex who was double parked for some reason. She said she would have Eric call me later. Afterwards I was pissed since she is obviously out and still can't get him to the airport to see me. I did inform Eric of the landlord's passing. He didn't say anything about it, but I expect questions later. However my ex did text to send her condolences plus to ask if I needed any help which she stated was weird. I really felt like saying to her to just get Eric to the airport and it'll be okay.

Tonight is Wine and Jazz at the Art museum with the singles.

Behind the Door

I wasn't quite sure who was still at the house when I got home last night. There weren't any cars in the driveway, but some lights were on in the house. Stuff was left around the place. Just before I fell asleep I heard someone come in. When I was leaving this morning I ran into the landlord's sister who was the only person there. We talked a little, but mostly she was like eat all the food since it would go to waste. It will be nice to have the place to myself for a while again. I'm not quite sure when Tone will be back in town. With the place back to mine again I have to make sure to go home after a night at Asp to grab the mail and check on things. I guess in this whole thing I feel like I was closer to the landlord than most of his family was over the years.

I was happy Asp went back to the doctor's today. Her sinus infection from last week was still hanging around and I didn't want it to get as bad as it was then. I was duly impressed that she did her 30 minutes last night on Wii fit. I had suggested it, but she had wanted to wait till I was there to motivate her. I then suggested she do it with her son who is at that competitive age. It would be a fun bonding thing, but she didn't want to. So I was happy when she told me that she had done so.

Tonight I'm cooking some chicken stir fry over at Asp which will be fun to make again. Over the next few nights I'll have to inventory what's at the place so that I can plan out my meals for when I'm home.

Tonight when I talk to Eric I'll tell him about the landlord's death. With everyone sick in his part of the world I didn't want to add to it, but I've never wanted to baby him. He knows the landlord and has sent "hellos" and stuff over the years.

Let's Spend the Night

Well it was 3 nights and 2 days over at Asp place. It went really well and it was good to see her again. Since we're both physical people it works very well. Our sexapades over the weekend were pretty vanilla, but still very enjoyable. One of the biggest reasons was trying to get her son back on a normal sleeping schedule. We took down all her holiday stuff and I did some home repairs for her. Some of the stuff Asp had done herself and it just needed some adjustments to make it stay better like shelves and holders. Asp was overjoyed with the shelving I put in her cabinets and the new thermostat. On her end she made some very good meals to eat. The only downside of the weekend was bringing my car to the mechanic. I don't have a high end car but jeez all the parts are expensive. I dropped 700 into it and still have another 8-900 to put into it. I knew it was all stuff I needed, but even he agreed that they couldn't just put new parts back in. They had to replace everything with my Chrysler. I'm happy to say it is driving better which I'm happy I can at least feel.

I had to call the landlord's ex who I'll nickname Tone over the weekend. I really didn't want to do it and it's because she's tied to his death in my mind. I got the service information and it brought a lot of the feelings of grief back up again. I was happy for the service today since it helped close a lot of things. I did meet some more of his family and friends. It was a nice service. I feel more closure now that it has happened.

Happy to say that the office is very busy today. I'm working on keeping it that way which is one of my resolutions. Other than that I'm working on Asp's Valentine's gifts. She likes silver and she has few earrings. So I'm buying her a bunch and I'll get her a gift certificate to Victoria Secret so she can get a few more bras that she wants.

The End of the Year

Asp sent me a picture of herself today. I had missed her and I felt it more so when I saw her pic. I was surprised she sent me one since she's not one to have her picture taken. She's still on the mend from her cold and I hope she doesn't have a rough time with flying.

New Years is not my holiday. It never has been. I'm not a partier or resolution person. I never liked paying 3x the amount for something just because of the holiday. For me when I find something I need to change I just do. Waiting for a certain time or bundling them up together is just asking for failure for me. So I'll just cook dinner and relax with a DVD or 2. I want to re watch Kung Fu Hustle so that will be on deck. The landlord's ex will return tomorrow with her daughter and grandson. The rest of the family will follow for his service over the weekend. So I'm going to stay at Asp's the weekend and come back home Sunday night. It'll be nice to have the extended stay and we're planning on hanging in bed most of the day Saturday. Her son will be there so I'm not quite sure what we'll be doing.

Today I find myself working again on my under earning. If I don't watch myself I undercut myself with the business. I'm tired of just getting by since the business does walk through my door, but I don't fully get what I need to from each person. I started again with enforcing this with myself and as always it works. Now I just need to keep doing it.

Conclusions

It's been a bit of a rough month here. The announcement of the landlord's terminal illness and his quick death has changed my home life. I'm happy that I'm still in the same place and I like that the care taking status is no longer mine. I'm just a tenant like I've always been. Mentioning problems as I see them. Like the landlord said you spotted the last 2 leaks. I know it's going to take some time for his family to sort through all his belongings. There's just so much stuff. However I'll be happy to have the place to mine again. It's taking some getting use to with 5 bedrooms in the place making some strange noises at night.

Asp's introduction into my life has opened a lot of things that have been closed for a while. The first is someone to spend the holidays with even though its modified. She was gone my birthday and Thanksgiving and will be gone New Years Eve. However holiday decorations and parties with someone is a big difference than I've had since my marriage 6 years ago. Even then it wasn't the best of situations. So this was a joyous holiday season for me.

Asp herself fact wise is a lot like my ex. The astigmatism, panic attacks, love of Elton John, etc. It was worrisome in the beginning, but I've found out that she is different which I do have to remind myself from time to time. My basis for women are my Mom and my ex which are two very toxic people however that's what I bring to the table. I've worked on a lot of that stuff over the years, but as I know some things you can only work on in. So I heal a lot with Asp since I expect these bad reactions that I use to get and when they don't I can let them go and move on. Realizations that I'm accepted for who I am and that fear can be let go of.

The last on the list is Asp's son and the landlord's grandson. I've had to deal a lot with these 2 kids. One is 11 and the other is almost 2. Opposite ends of the spectrum. Both of them have made me open that fatherhood door that I keep closed a lot so I don't lose my mind. I don't get to do any of it with Eric. It's a rare time when he comes to me with a problem so all the work and knowledge I've developed over the years just sits there. So it's nice to be able to use this information, but with it comes a great sadness that it's not with my son.

All Our Yesterdays

Well the structuring of my storage unit went faster than I thought it would. While most everything is on a shelf I still have a few boxes on the floor, but the bikes fit in nicely and I can get most anything with relative ease. I still need to organize all the office decoration boxes, but I'll do that after I switch to the winter theme in the office tomorrow. I was happy to find my cook books and my high school year book.

Now you might ask why my HS year book. Well being on FB I get a lot of request from people from my HS who I have no freaking clue who they are. They look totally different than they did in school 25 years ago so I need the original picture to even have a clue. I forgot HS was like an episode of the Sopranos. It was a VERY Italian village so at least 90% of every one's name ended in a vowel. We had 5 black kids in the whole school. So looking through the book is like a funny blast from the past.

I moved around to much as a kid especially in HS school so I didn't know many people besides by name and face. However it did all come back just looking at it all. So I'm going to take sometime of FB seeing how people changed.

Asp isn't doing to well on her trip to visit her mom. We can't tell if its a nerve in her tooth or a bad sinus attack. So far with decreasing her sinus pressure her tooth pain is receding. For me all of this puts me on edge. This is so something that would happen to my ex. From this she would spiral down and it would always get ugly with me having a target on my head. So I've been a bit edgy all today. However Asp is handling it well and is okay with me. I see that someone caring about her is new and she doesn't quite know how to handle my caring. Her mother informed her that I was a keeper.

Well tonight I broke out the pots and pans and started cooking in the kitchen. Tonight was chili which I haven't made in many years. It was nice to cook again. I don't like having all my stuff stuck on the side of the kitchen, but once the landlord's food supplies dwindle down, room will appear.

I'm making a few changes in my room to give myself a bit more useful space. I have a desk in there which I'm not quite sure if I'm going to keep in there. I have a big shelf in storage, but it's totally the wrong color for the room. I really don't want to buy another one. So I'm restructuring the hutch on top for now for my books. If I can find something in one of the thrift stores that I like I'll get it, but if not I'll make due for now.

Habits

Driving down the highway today it hit me that I was starting to feel normal again. I'm a creature of habit. Not saying that I have to wake up on the same side of the bed every morning at the same time although it does help. Gym, meditation, eating, prayer, etc. It's all been disrupted this last month since the landlord was diagnosed as terminal. Having Asp in the mix only increased it. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I do many things to keep myself healthy physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually. These last 30 days have been a bit of a disruption for me. It was nice to feel my old self coming back into place.

So to keep this up I've downloaded some of my stuff to my Blackberry so when I'm at Asp I have access to my prayers, affirmations, and meditations. I need to go back to scheduling the gym again so that it's happening. Today I started buying more food for the house and more balanced diet. With the landlord's ex still coming back for an extended period I have to make sure to get certain places in the refrigerator for myself. I tell you it was nice to make pasta again tonight. I haven't made it just for myself in years. Usually when I'm with Eric I make it since it reminds him of when we all use to live together. So every time we're together I make it.

The pool game with the singles was excellent. It was nice to have so many people I'm close with together to have fun with. Also to catch up and joke with each other. It did a lot for me.

So my shelves are in my car and it will be a trip to my storage unit tomorrow to straighten it up. I'm hoping to be able to get the shelves up and at least half the place straightened up. I know after a while of being there I get tired of it all. The problem is that I can't walk away with everything all over the place like I would do at home where I could take a break and go back to it. Wish me luck.

The Holiday Withdrawl

I only worked a half day yesterday and then went over to Asp's place. We celebrated Christmas with her son so he could play with his stuff before we went out. Her son liked the Wimpy Kid book I got him and Asp liked Lied to Me season 1. She went over board with presents for me, but as she explained and I saw she likes people to have a lot of stuff to open. I'm a quality over quantity person myself, but I did find out other things she does like.

We then went over Saturn girl's daughter's house for dinner. We all brought stuff and it was a nice time. Saturn girl and her daughter are very bossy people I found out. It's been a long time since I've had Christmas with a lot of people I know. Afterwards it was back to Asp's place to help her finish packing for her trip.

A few things came up that we talked about. The first thing was physical punishment with her son. I was never a fan of it and we talked of other ways to help make him a responsible adult. She was on board with it, but it will mean change for her which in the long run will help us. Since how she handles her relationship with her son will tell how she handles ours.

We talked about relationships in general and ours. I stated that we people are attracted to others who have something we lack. Those people are of the same coin, just opposite sides. She asked what I was attracted to her about. For me it's an age old attraction. Asp has things she's passionate about and she stands up and fights for them. I'm laid back with my beliefs and my passions are mostly moderate.

The last thing was that Asp has anxiety which is brought on by negative self talk. My Mom and ex had it and I wondered when I first met Asp if my high comfort with her was similarities to them. With the anxiety comes some grumpiness which she apologized for. I answered in my old way of "no problem" which I don't like. I don't want to condone the behavior even though I understand where it comes from. So I have to find another response.

Like always I measure what positive things each relationship brings to me against the negative. I have to make sure I stay aware and voice my concerns as they come up. First to myself and then to Asp if they are appropriate.

Today has been a quiet one. I grabbed 4 more hours of sleep after I dropped Asp off at the airport. Then I went for a hike with L and then off to visit my Mom. I left a message for Eric and was sad that I didn't talk to him. Hopefully he will call later tonight. Having a lot of people around to almost no one is taking a little getting use to today. I was planning on continuing the Landlord's tradition of us going to Chinese buffet tonight, but I have so many leftovers from last night that I'm good. With the rain tonight I'm happy of it.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

Blessed Silence

So I had the house all to myself last night and it was great. Somethings were moved around and I know the landlord's ex will be here for awhile when she comes back. I'll need to come up with a nickname for her since she will probably be gracing these pages for a while. The landlord has a lot of stuff that needs to be processed. He was very organized which was good, but a lot of the stuff is expensive like all the Hummels. So it's going to take a while. The week long vacation from anyone in the house corresponds to Asp's trip so I'm going to fully enjoy it.

The office today will be a joke probably, but I'm here for a few hours to see if anyone needs any last minute treatment before the go away which is the norm. At the least I'll get a few more things done around here.

With the extra space I'm getting back to my normal state. I scheduled several events for the singles over the next month. It had gotten a little sparse over the holidays which I don't like. I've always kept the group very active and I schedule the most events. As the old saying go, "since I'm the one in charge, I'm the one that steers the ship."

The most interesting thing that differs this year is that so many more people care about my life and well-being which is new and nice. It's something I've never had so it's a great feeling.