0 - 3

I got a lot of answers yesterday. While at the health fair yesterday there was a children's display and I picked up a bunch of stuff for my new moms in the office. One of the themes was that what you teach a child from 0 - 3 is what will be the most important to them their entire lives. It made sense to me and the reason Eric is so bonded to me. When he was young I taught him how to use utensils, write, climb, etc. I'd get him ready in the morning and bathe and get him ready for sleep at night. I was the one that took care of him through out the night when he needed someone. I was there for a lot of the important stuff and I see it continuing now even though we are far away by what he ask me for help with.

I spent a lot of time last night thinking about this thing with women being attracted to me and why it screws with my head. I came full circle with it when I remembered the 0 -3 thing. I can remember as far back as age 2. All my memories of my early childhood are of me being alone. It truly was lord of the flies lifestyle for me. I remember being in therapy one day talking to my therapist about this. I was alone. I had free run of a very large house, but I can't believe someone wasn't someplace in the house. My therapist said it didn't matter. My perception was that I was alone and that was my reality back then. What this sparked in me is that I never felt wanted by my father, mother, and brother. Those first 3 years were insane years in the family. My Dad kicked us out of the house after a few year brutal marriage. He was a person I never bonded to in my life. My parents ended up getting divorced, however for most of my early childhood my Mom was trying to get back together with him. Those early years we were dirt poor and food was never a guarantee, we lived in a home on the water with no insulation for those cold New York winters. I know my Mom, when things are "normal" she can make rational decisions, but when things are stressed she's a nutty a fruit cake. At the time my brother was finishing high school, doing drugs, stealing, and getting over my father's abuse of him. I was not a priority to these people and that has followed me my entire life. That I was not wanted and I therefore have no worth.

So when a woman shows interest to me, I'm seeing myself as a drowning man and some one's throwing me a life preserver. I'm just all over it like white on rice and I don't like reacting like some Pavlovian dog. I'm excited that women want me, but I would like to have control over my reactions.