Hungry Heart

As most of you know or don't know I don't handle strong emotions very well. After the incident with my ex today going from toe curling fear to tear felt happiness was a roller coaster for me. Emotions at the extreme ends take a while to filter through me, like sand going through a small funnel. During this lag time I usually want to do something to calm me down faster than is happening normally. Today I hit Starbucks. With money tight I haven't been going that often, but felt like I owed it to myself today. It turned out to be my lucky day when they gave me a grande when I ordered a tall. While a good book and a hot drink was nice it didn't do the trick. So a few hours later when I was hugging L goodbye and she's giving me one of her full body hugs my mind clicked into, "hey sex would be nice." However I kept my sanity and hightailed it out of there like normal. I know L wouldn't turn down the offer for sex, but I enjoy our walks and it's not where I want the relationship to head. I will tell you a 4-5 mile walk in soft sand with a 15 mph headwind is freaking tiring. I'm ready to drop tonight.

An interesting side note was that I ran into the Photographer and her new BF on the beach hike. It was weird since I'm so use to people knowing L that someone kind of signalling me was weird.

Like most everyone that has heard my story about my ex today, I still have no explanation. I've done double takes with her new attitude over the last 6 months many times. I have no complaints mind you, but this is just such weird behavior from her. Yes this nice stuff towards me from her is very alien. And yes that's how our marriage was. So while you may be taking double takes I think I'm developing a tic with this about face of 16+ years of conditioning.