Weird Christmas Music
(Yes their real, but not really spectacular)
1. Hung for the Holidays (William Hung) - The American Idol contestant gave warring families everywhere an invaluable gift with this 2004 Christmas album. After all, why spend Christmas dinner arguing about politics, religion or Dad’s gambling addiction, when you can debate whether William Hung is a savvy self-promoter or talentless hack instead?
2. Jingle Bermuda Tree Frogs - “You know what would really spice up these vaguely lilting versions of ‘Deck The Halls,’ ‘Silent Night,’ ‘The First Noel’ and many other holiday favorites? Bermuda tree frogs!”
3. Christmas at Luke’s Sex Shop – (Luke) - If the hilariously foul raps of “Ho Hoe Hoes,” “2 Live Christmas” and “Christmas F-ckin’ Day” don’t turn your grandma’s face beet-red, she probably needs a new battery in her hearing aid. And don’t miss “Jesus Is Black.”
4. N2K Nutcracker 2000 - Because there’s nothing wrong with the immortal The Nutcracker Suite that a buttload of synthesizers, disco beats and new songs can’t fix, Nutcracker 2000 drags Tchaikovsky’s Christmas ballet masterpiece — kicking and screaming — into the new millennium. This album was originally recorded to accompany a Cirque du Soleil-type acrobatic dance troupe, which makes perfect sense; your classical music-loving uncle will certainly contort himself into astounding shapes whenever you slap “Party Time (March),” “Sugar Plum Scary” or “Techno House of the Snow Ho’s” on the family stereo!
5. Christmas Bash (Pokemon) - delivers plenty of weirdness, like the version of “The Christmas Song” with various Pokémon characters (collect ‘em all!) trading lines in “We Are The World” fashion, or the creepy, voyeuristic-pedophilic overtones of “I’m Giving Santa a Pikachu This Christmas.”
6. A Twisted Christmas (Twisted Sister) - Christmas Eve won’t be a silent night if these long hair-metal guys have anything to say about it. With their amps on eleven and their tongues firmly in cheek — check out the snippets of “We’re Not Gonna Take It” and “Hava Nagila” in “Oh Come All Ye Faithful”.
7. The American Song-Poem Christmas: Daddy is Santa Really Six Foot Four? (Various Artist) - How difficult could it be to write a Christmas hit? The words for these twenty-one attempts at holiday immortality were penned by amateur lyricists, then sent to bogus “record companies” who charged the wordsmiths a fee for setting their lyrics to music. Check out the Sisterhood’s “The Rocking Disco Santa Claus.”
8. Mr. Cork's Totally Off the Wall Whacked Out Christmas Songs! (Mr. Cork) - Who is this Mr. Cork? And who let him into a recording studio? Actually, judging from the Casio-quality keyboards and drums on Dr. Demento-worthy tracks like the self-explanatory “Roll Me A Big Ass Joint For Christmas” and the drug-deal-gone-wrong saga of “Santa Claus Got Busted!”, this has all the hallmarks of a home-brew job. The guy’s sure got a professional way with a hook, though: “Diarrhea on Christmas Day” is as relentlessly catchy — and nearly as nauseating — as a bad case of stomach flu.
9. A Colt 45 Christmas (Afroman) - It’s Christmas time in the ‘hood, and Afroman’s lighting up a J, cracking open a cold forty of Billy Dee Williams’ favorite malt beverage, and putting his own distinctively blunted spin on the songs of the season. Thus, “O Christmas Tree” becomes “O Chronic Tree,” “Feliz Navidad” becomes “Police Blow My Wad,” and “Deck The Halls” becomes, er, “Deck My Balls”. “A Strainj Poem” reveals the shocking news that “Miss Claus in court/Filin’ child support,” “Jack Frost is on the pipe,” and sitting on Santa’s sleazy lap may get you more than what’s on your Christmas wish list.
10. Silent Night Christmas Music for Cat Lovers (Christmas Carol Cats) - Despite the group name and album title, only one track on this EP — the opening “Silent Night” — actually seems to feature anything resembling cat voices; the rest are just new age-y synth instrumentals. In any case, be careful about actually playing “Silent Night” around your own cats, because it may well be sending them secret messages. Last year, I’m pretty sure they told my friend’s cats to knock the ornaments off the Christmas tree and pee on the presents, and they seemed more than happy to comply.
11. Britney Spears Christmas (Doctor Peyote’s Shaq All-Stars) - Most celebrity stalkers tend to limit their obsession to one particular target, but rapper Dr. Peyote — perhaps trying to increase his hook-up odds — pledges his undying love to Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Simpson, Carmen Electra, Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton on this deeply strange Christmas record.
12. How You Doin'? Yanks & The 12 Days of a Guido Christmas – (How You Doin’ Boys) - The perfect present for the New York Yankees fan and/or unrepentant “Guido” on your Christmas list. It also has a Sopranos-worthy version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” that includes such choice gifts as “seven Piazza jerseys,” “five pinkie rings,” and “four fresh cannolis.” A Merry Christmas? Fuhgeddaboudit!
13. Sorry to say I couldn’t find another really bad Christmas album. I know coal in my stocking. Any suggestions?
(Yes their real, but not really spectacular)
1. Hung for the Holidays (William Hung) - The American Idol contestant gave warring families everywhere an invaluable gift with this 2004 Christmas album. After all, why spend Christmas dinner arguing about politics, religion or Dad’s gambling addiction, when you can debate whether William Hung is a savvy self-promoter or talentless hack instead?
2. Jingle Bermuda Tree Frogs - “You know what would really spice up these vaguely lilting versions of ‘Deck The Halls,’ ‘Silent Night,’ ‘The First Noel’ and many other holiday favorites? Bermuda tree frogs!”
3. Christmas at Luke’s Sex Shop – (Luke) - If the hilariously foul raps of “Ho Hoe Hoes,” “2 Live Christmas” and “Christmas F-ckin’ Day” don’t turn your grandma’s face beet-red, she probably needs a new battery in her hearing aid. And don’t miss “Jesus Is Black.”
4. N2K Nutcracker 2000 - Because there’s nothing wrong with the immortal The Nutcracker Suite that a buttload of synthesizers, disco beats and new songs can’t fix, Nutcracker 2000 drags Tchaikovsky’s Christmas ballet masterpiece — kicking and screaming — into the new millennium. This album was originally recorded to accompany a Cirque du Soleil-type acrobatic dance troupe, which makes perfect sense; your classical music-loving uncle will certainly contort himself into astounding shapes whenever you slap “Party Time (March),” “Sugar Plum Scary” or “Techno House of the Snow Ho’s” on the family stereo!5. Christmas Bash (Pokemon) - delivers plenty of weirdness, like the version of “The Christmas Song” with various Pokémon characters (collect ‘em all!) trading lines in “We Are The World” fashion, or the creepy, voyeuristic-pedophilic overtones of “I’m Giving Santa a Pikachu This Christmas.”
6. A Twisted Christmas (Twisted Sister) - Christmas Eve won’t be a silent night if these long hair-metal guys have anything to say about it. With their amps on eleven and their tongues firmly in cheek — check out the snippets of “We’re Not Gonna Take It” and “Hava Nagila” in “Oh Come All Ye Faithful”.
7. The American Song-Poem Christmas: Daddy is Santa Really Six Foot Four? (Various Artist) - How difficult could it be to write a Christmas hit? The words for these twenty-one attempts at holiday immortality were penned by amateur lyricists, then sent to bogus “record companies” who charged the wordsmiths a fee for setting their lyrics to music. Check out the Sisterhood’s “The Rocking Disco Santa Claus.”8. Mr. Cork's Totally Off the Wall Whacked Out Christmas Songs! (Mr. Cork) - Who is this Mr. Cork? And who let him into a recording studio? Actually, judging from the Casio-quality keyboards and drums on Dr. Demento-worthy tracks like the self-explanatory “Roll Me A Big Ass Joint For Christmas” and the drug-deal-gone-wrong saga of “Santa Claus Got Busted!”, this has all the hallmarks of a home-brew job. The guy’s sure got a professional way with a hook, though: “Diarrhea on Christmas Day” is as relentlessly catchy — and nearly as nauseating — as a bad case of stomach flu.
9. A Colt 45 Christmas (Afroman) - It’s Christmas time in the ‘hood, and Afroman’s lighting up a J, cracking open a cold forty of Billy Dee Williams’ favorite malt beverage, and putting his own distinctively blunted spin on the songs of the season. Thus, “O Christmas Tree” becomes “O Chronic Tree,” “Feliz Navidad” becomes “Police Blow My Wad,” and “Deck The Halls” becomes, er, “Deck My Balls”. “A Strainj Poem” reveals the shocking news that “Miss Claus in court/Filin’ child support,” “Jack Frost is on the pipe,” and sitting on Santa’s sleazy lap may get you more than what’s on your Christmas wish list.
10. Silent Night Christmas Music for Cat Lovers (Christmas Carol Cats) - Despite the group name and album title, only one track on this EP — the opening “Silent Night” — actually seems to feature anything resembling cat voices; the rest are just new age-y synth instrumentals. In any case, be careful about actually playing “Silent Night” around your own cats, because it may well be sending them secret messages. Last year, I’m pretty sure they told my friend’s cats to knock the ornaments off the Christmas tree and pee on the presents, and they seemed more than happy to comply.11. Britney Spears Christmas (Doctor Peyote’s Shaq All-Stars) - Most celebrity stalkers tend to limit their obsession to one particular target, but rapper Dr. Peyote — perhaps trying to increase his hook-up odds — pledges his undying love to Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Simpson, Carmen Electra, Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton on this deeply strange Christmas record.
12. How You Doin'? Yanks & The 12 Days of a Guido Christmas – (How You Doin’ Boys) - The perfect present for the New York Yankees fan and/or unrepentant “Guido” on your Christmas list. It also has a Sopranos-worthy version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” that includes such choice gifts as “seven Piazza jerseys,” “five pinkie rings,” and “four fresh cannolis.” A Merry Christmas? Fuhgeddaboudit!
13. Sorry to say I couldn’t find another really bad Christmas album. I know coal in my stocking. Any suggestions?
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2 people had cathartic therapy:
Where's the damn barking dogs thing?? You know "ruff..ruff.ruff... ruff. ruff..ruff... ruff,ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!!" augh.. drives me batty... dogs barking jingle bells.. augh!!!
Oh...and I kid you not.. at my company Christmas party they had "A Heavy Metal Christmas" playing in the background. I about died when I heard Kiss singing "Silent Night" and Poison singing "Winter Wonderland".. umm...does Poison *really* count as "heavy metal"??
I don't think the dogs had a full album just a 45. Figure the logistics of trying to get a pack of dogs to sing one song then trying to do a full album. You would have to hire someone just to clean up all the shit.
Yeah Poison falls into those long haired metal bands.
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