Anytime I talk about my religious views someone always ask how I did a 360. Senorita asked this time. I've told this story enough times that I don't mind retelling it. The big thing is trying to get to what happened without writing War and Peace.
As most of you know I didn't have a happy marriage. It wasn't even a happy 6 year dating period before then. However we still got married and had lots of problems. When our son came along things just got infinitely worse. My ex and I had a long list of problems on each side of the street that made our house and insane asylum, pretty much just like we both grew up. After many years of trying to make it better and not knowing how to, I just pulled back inside myself. I remember watching a video of that time. You would see me doing all this stuff, but I was just an empty shell. I wasn't interacting and I find it disturbing to go back and watch.
I would say about year 4 of marriage I became suicidal and homicidal which no one knew about. Everyone at work always thought I was joking when I asked someone just to kill me, but I meant it. I excelled at working in the South Bronx since I didn't care if I lived. I pretty much daily wanted to kill my office manager (which is a story in itself). It was another asylum and I was bookend at home and at work.
In year 5 of marriage my ex told me she no longer loved me. I still remember that cloudy August day sitting on the couch in the living room. Its' weird the little things you remember. What little I had left in me shattered that day and I felt myself fall down a hole.
Two months later I would find myself in affair. Something I never thought I would ever do. It was another line I had crossed and I lost another piece of myself that day. It's hard to explain how the world looked after that. The person I was interacting with would be in focus, but everything else was like a speeding blur. For a month I was truly insane until Halloween of when it all came crumbling down on me. I was such a broken man at that point that I finally wanted to do something about it. I got help and it was suggested then that I believe in something. Coming from being an atheist for so long it's taken a long time to get a grip on something I believe in. Even after 8 years it still changes and flows. I couldn't define it if you asked me, but what little I have works for me.
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Too Much Swag and Sadness
3 months ago
5 people had cathartic therapy:
Thanks for sharing. It's usually people that act as the comedians or people that smile and joke like that, who are sad inside. I am speaking from personal experience.
I'm sorry that your ex flat out told you that she didn't love you anymore, but it seems like it was a blessing in disguise. It gave you a reason to get out of that marriage, and now you are in a position to find the love of your life.
Reading this struck a chord with me. I haven't had the same experiences as you, they were different and more wierd, but for some reason I can definitely relate to the feelings you describe. I wish I had the guts to write about it.
I've talked about this so much Senorita I can laugh at some of the stuff. Just find a safe place where you can share it so you get it out.
Oh yes it all was a blessing and even the 5 more years of marriage after this incident. I'm the happy person I am today because of all that.
I didn't mean to imply that you are sad inside NOW, I meant to refer to back then. Oopsie, my mistake.
That was a lot to share, so thank you for opening your heart up like that.
A lot can be said about a person and their character by how they grow and learn from shitty experiences. The ones who can let go of anger and bitterness usually see the happiness flow out evern stronger. It seems like you have done that. To me, that says a lot about the kind of man you are.
Have a beautiful weekend.
~vk~
~vk~
This was an amazing glimpse into someone's life. And also, very rare in today's ADD world.
I am drawn towards your honesty. Probably because I see alot of myself in YOUR own words.
Thank you, sir.
{{BIG HUG}}
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