Here I am doing something I haven't done in years, sharing Thanksgiving and my birthday with someone I love. Here I am at 3:30 am freaked out and wanting to be alone before it all starts. While there is some trepidation on being with a big family for the holiday. Plus that I'm having to accept another layer of happiness which for me is hard to do. Like I've said in previous post it's hard for me to look forward to things. I always expect them to be pulled away from me. However tonight's insomnia is brought on resentment and a bit of fear.
Friday is my birthday. For the last few weeks it's been a big thing for her to share it with me. However 2 days ago it changed in my mind. The Comic asked if we could visit her mom's after I get out of work to see her niece when she comes down. Now for anyone else this would not bother me, but this is the niece that the Comic will put ahead of everyone else. Yes even me. Last month we had plans one night and then they were abruptly changed when her niece called and said she needed help packing.
I talked to her about it then and how I felt the importance that she states I have in her life was not totally true if I could be pushed aside so easily. She agreed and we had our night together and she left to see her niece the next day.
Now intellectually I believe this is the Comic's way of getting me to her mom's for a surprise birthday party. She wants to make my day special. Emotionally all I'm hearing is that her niece is in town and I'm now second fiddle again. My Mom use to do this when she was dating. I was very important in her life then a man would come and I was unimportant, if not in the way. This has left a large scar on me. I really don't want to spoil the Comic's plans if she has them, but this is something that is really bothering me and I know I'll need to talk to her about it in the morning.
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